Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dear Crabby

Alright, kiddies. Gather 'round Dear Aunt Crabby for some lovely bedtime tales of advice and neurosis. We'll hear about Prince Charming, cautionary tales of selfish little girls and, of course, the Big Bad Boss. Snuggle in, munchkins and let's get started!

Dear Crabby,
Against my better judgment, I agreed to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend. I set expectations low, scheduled an "emergency call" from my other friend in case the date was going poorly, and spent a total of 8 minutes getting ready. Turns out, when he showed up, he was GORGEOUS. He was charming and funny and great. But I looked like crap and was ill-prepared! I haven't head from him after our date over a week again, but I want another chance! What can I do to re-make a first impression?

Dear Cinderugly,
I have two thoughts. One: Maybe he's not calling because you just didn't yank his proverbial crank. Simple as that. Two: Maybe you just looked terrible and he was like "Blech. It looks like she took less than 10 minutes to get ready." There's nothing you can do if he's not calling because of reason 1. If it's reason 2, there's only one way to find out. Schedule a time to "accidentally" run into him when you're looking bangin'. Get your friend to help set it up and try to not be such a loser. Hopefully he'll give you another shot and you guys will ride off in a pumpkin full of mice or whatever.

Dear Crabby,
I am SOOOOO mad! My bff just got engaged, and I'm like totally happy for her, but she's NO FUN anymore. Even worse? Her #*%&@*! wedding is ON MY BIRTHDAY. She never even asked if I minded or offered to change it so that we wouldn't have to share the date. Can I say something to her? What can I do so that she doesn't ruin my day?
Gratefully yours,
Bday Blues

Dear Bday Blues,
Holy bonkers. You are RUUUUUDE. Listen, I am ALL ABOUT forcing others to celebrate my birthday with me. But as I've mentioned before, picking a wedding date is freakin' HARD. And sometimes you just have to take what you can get. So my first piece of advice is to GET OVER YOURSELF. I know, it sucks that your friend has stolen away your day and has made it her new anniversary day. But for that one day, her wedding day, your birthday will blow. After that, no one cares about other people's anniversaries because they are too hard to remember. Plus, they could totally get divorced. But your birthday will always be your birthday. So suck it up for one year then throw epic parties every year afterwards and bask in the fact that you'll be stealing HER thunder every year. But don't be a baby this year. She may not realize what she has done, so sure you can say something, but be ready for her to not care because setting a date is hard, and she probably was so relieved to figure that out that she didn't care that it fell on someone else's birthday. And hey, if you're still feeling low during the wedding and crave some bday love, just go ahead and steal a wedding present to bring home.

Dear Crabby,
OMG. I hate my boss. Even though I'm not his assistant, he makes me fax stuff for him and print out screenshots of all these webpages he likes. I ended up working late last week because he wasted half my morning complaining to me about politics and I had to finish a project. When I was done working, I was scrolling through Facebook on my phone and he walked by me (I didn't even know he was still in the office) and told me that I should "fool around online" on my own time. I was so irate and frustrated that I just teared up and left the office. I want to quit, but I love every other part of my job. What do I do?
Work Jerk

Oh Work Jerk,
I've been there. I say: If your boss isn't going anywhere anytime soon, get outta there. If you don't, that place will eat your soul. If you can't find another job, just start farting around him every time he asks you to do something or complains about politics. That could also work.

The moral of the story, kids, is that people have problems. And I can SOLVE those problems with manipulation, extravagant parties and farting. Have a problem that can be fixed with those genius solutions? Send 'em my way at and I'll figure out a way to solve them.

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