Thursday, September 6, 2012

Pregnant Pause (NOT ME)

Hey, Friends...STOP GROWING UP WITHOUT ME. Sorry. That's just a little sumthin' sumthin' I needed to get off my chest. My friends are very awesome, but they keep doing very mature and grownup things without me. I'm still TOTALLY into Demi Lovato and NOT having babies.

Uh, yeah. So I hung out with Lana and Valerie tonight. The conversation of baby names came up. It was NOT for my benefit, so don't get it twisted. Anyhoozle, we were talking about baby names because people my age are now starting to shoot humans out of their hoo-hahs. I was offering my opinion like it was going out of style.

"Lydia sounds like 'chlamydia'."
"Clarence?! Who names their baby CLARENCE?! Is he born as a 40-year-old man?"
"Ugh. I went to high school with a Krissy. She sucked. Don't use that."

I was a wealth of suuuuuper helpful naming tips. I, PHARON, was all "Don't name a baby something weird. They'll turn out weird and be, like, a serial killer." 


Needless to say, my pals were taking my thoughts with an enormous grain of salt. I was all "Listen, I've heard some crazy names before. Padrin? Prinna? Perek? There is nothing crazier than a made-up name!"

Lana and Valerie protested "But Pharon, don't you LIKE those names?" I was all "Well, YEAH! I mean, you definitely can't COPY them. But they are soooooooooooo weird." Then they dropped a few bombs on me.

Did you know that there is a human girl person named A-a? That is a REAL NAME. It's pronounced "Adasha". An actual person has a very real dash in their name and we are expected to know how to say it.

I told them that I would name my child "#baby". It would be pronounced "Hashtagbaby". As Valerie pointed out, "It will ALWAYS be trending!" What's to stop a person from naming their kid "Beatr!ce"? (Isn't it OBVIOUS that her name is beatexclamationpointice?!) Then I also thought about naming an innocent little newborn N@talia. It's pronounced "Nattalia". That kid will punch me while I sleep.

Basically, we decided that probably the most important thing in the world is assigning a name to a human. You are essentially assigning that not-quite-human thing a personality. A nickname. A reason for kids to bully them. A profession as a stripper. An entire life that the kid can't even SEE yet. 

No pressure, pregnant friends. NO PRESSURE.

1 comment:

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