Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Dear Crabby

Wazzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuppppp! Aw, I miss that ad campaign. I'm going to bring that back. ANYways, let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?

Dear Crabby,
My friends dared me to streak at the next Twins game. I'm a pretty spontaneous dude, but I'm a little worried about, eh hem, exposing myself to all the possibly eligible chicks at the game. Will they judge me?
We're Going Streaking!

We're Going Streaking!
Yes, they will judge you. Not just because of your unimpressive goods, but because you are lame enough to streak a baseball game. That was pretty funny in, like, the 90s when the first person ever did it. Now it's just annoying because it slows down an already very long game. Don't do it. Seriously. No one will think it's funny unless one of the players beans you in the head with a ball. THEN it'll generate some laughs. But then you'll have to deal with medical bills, and that's no good. Otherwise, it's just a pathetic cry for attention. Also, the fact that you're thinking about this in advance means you are NOT spontaneous. Duh.

Dear Crabby,
My kids are FINALLY back in school and I've got nothing but time on my hands! Do you have any fun project ideas I can do this fall??
Muchas gracias!
All Play and No Work

Hey there, APNW,
Here's a fun project! GET A JOB! That, or stop BRAGGING about having "too much" free time! That's straight up rude. I'm sorry your fabulous life is leaving you with too much time and not enough to do. Bitterness aside, here are some project ideas: Learn to knit, learn a new language, watch every episode of Lost, build a Pac-man machine, redecorate your house every week, spy on your neighbors, develop a bread-only diet (and share it with me immediately), brew your own beer, read books, volunteer, research volunteer opportunities and then take a nap, map the Internet, get a degree from the University of Phoenix, recarpet your house, orrrrrr maybe you could start a blog.

Dear Crabby,
What did you think of the DNC and RNC? Which one do you think was better?
Just curious,
Politically Correct

Politically Correct,
Nunya. As in "nunya damn business." Politics, as far as I'm concerned, are more annoying to discuss than to listen to. So many idiots. So, I guess my answer is that both of the conventions fully satisfied each party they were designed to please. Ugh. I can't even think of anything even remotely interesting to say about politics because whatever I write will enrage some extremist fanatic who is insane. So instead, I'll just say that politics is not even remotely interesting to write about. Sars, yo. Just get on Facebook and then you can see all the annoying, unsolicited soapbox speeches you clearly are looking for. Probaly just so you can snap back with your own opinion. Ugh. SNOOZE.

And that does it! Another day, another life changed thanks to yours truly. So, you're WELCOME, everyone! If you've got 99 problems and need me to solve one, send an email to me at Cool? COOL.

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