The Big Screen Test

Yeah, yeah, yeah...go ahead. Complain about me totes phoning it in last night. I couldn't help it. I spent a long afternoon in the sun drinking beer, watching football (SKOL VIKINGS!) and only barely made it home in time to watch my newest badassest show, Breaking Amish. So yeah. I was tired and very unfocused on writing. But whatevs! Today is a new day!

Tonight, I had a great work outing with my fellow bloggers to the Twins game! Hooray! I ate a hot a dog, drank a beer, and then ate ice cream out of a mini Twins helmet. Also, there was some kind of baseball game going on, apparently.

So, there I was, scarfing down my helmet ice cream sittin' next to Rachel. We were chatting, staring up at the Jumbotron in between innings and mouthfuls of ice cream. All of a sudden, I'm all "Hey, who's that nerd sitting next to Rachel on the Jumbotron?"

It was me and Rachel. Lookin' like nerds on the giant screen in front of hundreds of people. We froze. As Rachel would lament later, "You just never know how you'll react to fame."

I have never wanted to be on the Jumbotron. I know that I will just freeze and laugh like a mental patient. Which is exactly what happened tonight. But I'm not the kind of person who seeks out the camera guy with some sign or weird choreographed dance.

In fact, I have gone out of my way to fly below the radar at sports games. Seating assignments at games are done purposely, to avoid any awkward Kiss Cam moments. I don't sing along to the sing-along songs. I barely muster up the courage to stand up during the wave. When most people hold up signs so Bert can circle them, I duck behind them and shove the rest of that hot dog in my face hole in privacy.


Oh, and ALSO? NO ONE EVER KNOWS WHERE TO LOOK WHEN THEY GET ON THE JUMBOTRON. People stare at themselves on the screen, and therefore away from the camera. I used to make fun of the n00bs who didn't look into the camera, but realized tonight that I am, in fact, one of those people who suddenly didn't understand how cameras worked. I stared at the screen, wondering how I could be up THERE when I was down HERE. I mean, first you have to get the attention of the person sitting next to you so you can both look up at the screen together. But then, unless you're cool, you just sit there, looking at yourself, wondering what you'll do next.


Anyway, tonight they found me. Maybe the camera guy just couldn't resist the way that I completely did not want to be on the screen, or maybe he has some depth perception issues, because the dudes behind us were way more entertaining.

Whatever it was, I hope it never happens again. I'm simply not ready for that level of fame.