Thursday, September 22, 2011

Jean Queen

I maaaaay or may not nod off during this post. I spent the night babysitting my nieces and nephew, and suffice it to say: the constant sugar I fed the kids somehow backfired, and oddly enough I ended up to be one crashing HARD. So let's get to it. As I mentioned yesterday, last night I went shopping with my friend Kim. I was on a mission for new jeans. Not just any jeans, though. I needed SKINNY jeans. I wondered briefly if they made skinny jeans in "not so skinny" sizes. Lucky for me (unlucky for everyone around me) they do!

Here's how it all started. I grabbed like 63 different styles and sizes and waist measurements and lengths and washes and ventured into a dressing room. Side note: Why is it just SOOO important for fitting room attendants to know my name? Why do they they need to write it in chalk on my door? It's really unnecessary. I'm not making reservations. I'm not waiting on a cup of coffee at Caribou. I'm just getting naked in a room by myself. So after the third woman was all "How do you spell FALRON?" I had had it. Kim was all "Just tell them your name is Sarah for crying out loud." Annoysville.)

So I'm in the fitting room. I squeegee myself into the first pair, and let out a big ol "GAH!!" And Kim calls out from her fitting room "OH NO! I forgot to tell you! NEVER LOOK DOWN WHEN YOU'RE TRYING ON SKINNY JEANS! NEVER!" Within 30 seconds, I had ruined everything. Staring downward when you are wearing skinny jeans is apparently the equivalent of staring directly into the sun.

After my first panic attack, I decided it would be super awesome to try on a pair of black pleather legging pants. Because apparently I didn't feel bad enough about myself yet. I got them on and almost ripped them open from busting a gut laughing. I looked like someone had stuffed two Labradors into a Hefty garbage bag. Nothing "skinny" about those.

Okay, so we try another store. Then another. Then I wandered into Claire's accessory store and almost bought fake hair extensions for $2.99 because, duh, that's a steal! I put them back, though, in a very brief moment of clarity. Meaning: Four 13 year-olds came in and made fun of those same extensions. #Fail.

Anyway, we try one more store in the mall. Or as I call it "Rock Bottom". I actually put on...I can't believe I'm writing this...jeggings. I called back to Kim over my fitting room door that I would never forgive myself if I got jeggings. It goes against my belief system, I reminded her. Some nosey Nelly in the fitting room next to me audibly giggled and offered "Jeggings are great! Way better than skinny jeans because they don't HURT as much!" I wanted to yell back "I think you're wearing your pants wrong if they HURT!" But I didn't. Instead I pathetically laughed back and waited in my own little private cage until I heard her leave, and wriggled my way out of the disgusting pants. As if to prove a point, I left them balled up in the corner of the fitting room instead of helpfully folding them back up. Stupid jeggings.

Last ditch effort, we go to Target to get some food and other non-essentials. We found ourselves in the denim department, and lo and behold - Skinny jeans! I tried some on, and walked out with 2 pairs. Mostly because they were like $20 and I didn't want to try any more on. I was feeling bad enough. Then Kim was all "You should bring them home and try them on with your boots anyway." MY BOOTS! Duh! I'm not going to be walking AROUND in these skin-tight monstrosities. I'd have BOOTS up to my KNEES. An anchor, if you will (and you will). So I tried them on in the comfort of my own bedroom, and I liked them! They are way too long, and already a little looser than I would have hoped, but they are skinny! Huzzah!

So as soon as I finally embraced (or gave up fighting against) the concept of skinny jeans, I READ THIS:

J Brand –"Our big story is wide-leg for fall – it's really about a '70s silhouette. They come in different fits for all body types, so everyone can wear them!"

7 for all Mankind – "Our big story for fall is 'boot and beyond' – the boot cut is our original fit and put us on the map, and it's super flattering and leg-lengthening on all body types.

Joe's Jeans – "For fall we developed some awesome new fabrications – everything from cashmere blends, to sexy animal prints, to lightweight coated pieces. We have a wide-leg trouser for fall that is in a super soft cashmere denim, and we also have a new micro-flare, which is a skinny fit throughout the leg, but it pops out right above the ankle."

WTF? RUDE. I guess the good news is that I already have these kinds of jeans, so no more horrifyingly depressing trips to the fitting rooms (I can hear Kim cheering from here)! The bad news is, the jeans I just bought last night are apparently already going out of style. Whoops. I guess I kind of missed that boat. But to me, the Skinny Jeans boat was the Titanic, so I am just fine missing out on that.

Alright, I'm taking my skinny jeans-wearing butt to bed. I'm exhausted and I think the jeans have cut off the circulation to my feet, so I should probably check in on them. Have a great weekend, everyone!

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