Dear Crabby

Okay, so I have spent all night shopping. For jeans. SKINNY JEANS. It did not go well. But more on that tomorrow. Tonight it's all about you! Here's what's got you stumped this week.

Dear Crabby,

I have not been able to sleep lately. And none of that warm milk, soothing music mumbo jumbo stuff works. I am getting VERY cranky because I'm not getting enough sleep. What can I do?

Thanks,
Sleepless in Seattle (okay, not really...actually I'm in Minneapolis)

Hello Sleepless,

I go through bouts of sleeplessness myself. Usually it's because I'm frustrated or stressed or watching a Family Guy all night marathon or something. But in my insomnia, I'll do insane things like pluck my eyebrows (poorly) at 3 a.m. or try different braiding styles in my hair, or just sit and worry. I HATE it. You can't solve anything in that state. So, unless your problem is medical (wait it's not, is it?) I'll give you some tips. I like to sit and try and think of all the capitols in the country. In alphabetical order. I try and remember all the letters in the Greek alphabet. Or I add everyone's birthday to my planner that I never use. The point is, I focus on very boring things and eventually I nod off. If I get out of bed, though, I may as well drink a Red Bull because all that does is wake me up completely. Stay put, under the covers, and obsess about something mundane and bore yourself back to sleep. If that doesn't work, at least get up and get something productive done. Like laundry or the dishes or dyeing your hair. Whatevs. Then at least you'll be getting stuff done! But I say give the Bore Yourself to Sleep thing a shot, and let me know if that works. Sweet Dreams!

Dear Crabby,

I am officially one of those girls. I have too many shoes, and they are starting to completely take over my closet. I still love them, but some are kind of worn, and I know I have to consolidate, but I just don't wanna!! Do I need to buy garbage bags to toss the shoes in, or shelves to store all the shoes??

-Shoe In

'Sup Shoe In,

Okay, I'll be blunt. Throw away anything ugly. Then throw away any shoes that smell like the inside of a baby's diaper. Then throw away anything that doesn't fit. When you have your remaining shoes, just store the out-of-season shoes somewhere else. Oh, and you know those stilettos that are probably a little too worn on the heel? GREAT NEWS! You don't have to throw them away. Get yourself some new heel tips and you've got yourself a brand new pair! So, uh, I guess basically I say keep as many as you still love and wear or just enjoy looking at. It's not a CRIME to have too many shoes, is it? NO! Also, who decides how many are too many? The President of Shoes? No. Keep all the shoes you want, lady. Just keep them looking (and smelling) fresh.

Dear Crabby,

I'm going to my first big time tailgate this weekend with my very new boyfriend and his friends. I'm supposed to bring something to share, but I have a feeling the guys won't be to excited to dig in to my homemade hummus and gluten-free chips. I really don't want to embarrass my new man, so you got any tips??

Love your blog! Please help!
-Failgate

Okay, Failgate,

I'll help you, but you have GOT to trust me. Fight the urge to "healthify" anything I am about to list. When it comes to men and their tailgates, no one cares about calories, so if you want to make a good impression, let your hair down and add some good ol' fat to the mix. Here's what would be appropriate to bring: spicy buffalo wings, a case of moderately-priced beer, meatballs slathered in BBQ sauce, taco dip, fixins for grilled cheese sandwiches (only if there's a grill), a salsa and Velveeta cheese dip with chips, a few steaks or hamburger meat (again, only if there is a grill), artichoke dip with lots of cheese and gooeyness, a Costco-sized barrel of cheese balls or peanuts, one of those giant hoagies that feed 10, chocolate chip cookies, a big ol' bag of trail mix (don't get stingy with the M&Ms), or just a bottle of liquor. Anything'll do. Stick with one of those things, and you'll be totally fine. And when you get there, just relax, indulge in some awesome food and good friends and you'll be a tailGREATer! OMG, I wish there was someway I could unsay that. Like a backspace key or something. If only...

Aight, twerps and twerpettes. Go ahead and critique my advice if you must, but only if you have something better! And when you finally decide to get that help everyone's been telling you get, hit me up at pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll make it all better!!