Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dear Crabby

What up, what up, what up?! Let's get crackin' with this week's Dear Crabby questions, because they are juicy!

Dear Crabby,

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up like 6 months ago. It wasn't on very good terms, and I never really got the closure I wanted. So, I found out he and his guy friends were going out one night to this bar by my house. I decided I'd "bump into" him and see if we could talk this out. (He has ignored my calls and emails ever since we broke up.) When he wasn't all that excited to see me, I decided to get him alone - you know, away from the guys. So I followed him to the bathroom. Instead of just talking it out, though, he started yelling at me and calling me a psycho. ME! So one thing led to another, and I got so mad that I punched him. Next thing I know, he's served me with a restraining order and I can't get within 500 feet of him. As if I'd WANT to! How can I make this go away? It's humiliating!

Thank you!
-Showing Restraint


Dear Showing Restraint,

You are not well. Getting served with a restraining order is like getting awarded a certificate for being crazy. Meaning: It's official. You're insane. You can't just stalk someone and then punch them because you didn't get "closure". Whatever he did, or didn't do, he doesn't like you anymore. Chances are, he's AFRAID of you because you sound - and this is putting it nicely - unbalanced. Seek professional help. And above all else, leave the poor guy alone and maybe just work on, you know, not being a psycho-punching-stalker. (Hold up. You don't know where I live, do you?!)

Dear Crabby,

I'm broke. Like...really broke. I'm no fun anymore because I'm constantly stressing about money. The real problem, though, is that I'm OBSESSED with buying those little Russian Nesting Dolls. I seek them out on eBay, Craigslist, garage sales...everywhere. And no matter how broke I am, I can always justify buying one of them. Last I counted, I had 87 of them. I don't know why I'm so obsessed, but there's something about buying them that makes me feel like, I don't know, fun. What do you think??

Thanks, Crabby!
Love,
Nest Obsessed


Hey, Nest Obsessed,

I'll keep it real with you. We all have our vices. Some people splurge on fancy dinners, furniture, or action figures. Personally, I go for shoes and stationary. I don't know why, but I can always convince myself that money is not a factor when the purchases make me feel happy. But it sounds like you're getting into trouble. First off, the Nesting Dolls thing is, uh, creepy. All you can do with them is look at them, and maybe hide things in them, or set up a little grifting situation on the street corner (you know, like people do with a ball and three cups?). Outside of that, the dolls are just kind of useless. I say you pick like 5 or 10 of your favorite ones, and sell the rest. Then you can pay your bills, start buying groceries again, and maybe you'll be able to afford a Happy Hour or two. 'Cause then you could meet some super cool guy, have a great time, and you won't have to worry about freaking him out with your doll collection. It's going to be tough, but the economy is in the sewer, and we all need to tighten our bootstraps or whatever. Once you're all old and senile, you can pick up the doll obsession again because then it'll be charming instead of freaky. Now THAT'S a financial plan...good luck, lady!

Dear Crabby,

I'll get right to the point. I'm a guy. I've lived with my girlfriend for almost a year now, and for the most part, everything is great. We get along real well, and have a great time. Recently, though, I've noticed her UNDOING or REDOING things I've done around the house. If I clean the bathroom, she'll come home from work and like REclean it. If I go to the grocery store, she'll make a second trip to get "the right" milk. And without getting too detailed, I'll just say that it's starting to affect our intimate relationship. It's just kind of like I can't do things right, so I don't want to do them at all. What can I do about this? Am I being too, like, "chick" about this?

-Please Dont' Give Me a Cheesy Nickname


Dear Boy Who Doesn't Want a Cheesy Nickname (a.k.a. Fun Hater),

(First of all, don't say things like "Am I being too, like 'chick' about this". Being a chick is not some sort of malady. Get over it.) Anyhoozle, this is a toughie. Here's a general rule I live by: If someone is SO unhappy with how you do something, stop doing it. Or? Always do it, all the time. Sound confusing? It is. Listen, You're going to have to pull yourself together here. I get that adjusting to living with a girl can be tough. And it sounds like this chick needs to lighten up a bit. But, the only behavior you can change is your own. She won't change. If she doesn't like the milk you buy? Buy separate groceries. She hates the way you fold laundry? Stop washing her stuff. Or shove it all in the bottom of the drawers...then she'll appreciate the half-a$$ed way you USED to do things. The point is you guys live TOGETHER now. And with that comes compromise. You won't like every random candle she puts in every single room, and she won't like the Godfather movie poster you have framed and insist on hanging in the bathroom. Talk it out. Pick you battles. And above all else, don't let all the drama seep into the, eh hem, boudoir. That's something I'm going to trust that you can fix yourself. But overall, remind her - and yourself - that compromises HAVE to be made. And remind her that while she might not enjoy the fact that you fix everything with duct tape, she'll certainly appreciate your creative problem solving when the plumbing goes all haywire. Stay strong, though. You guys will get through this! Or, you know, you'll break up. I don't know. But good luck!

Eeeee! I LOVE juicy/weird/psycho questions like these! Have one of your own? (You do.) Email me at pharonsquare@gmail.com and dish, sister!!

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