Dear Crabby

Squares, I've heard your pleas for help all the way from here. We've got some toughies this week, so let's not waste any time with clever intro paragraphs!

Dear Crabby,

I just spent a crazy amount of time trying to find a couple good pictures of me to put on my new match.com account. I hate the way I look in EVERY SINGLE ONE, though! My eyes are half-closed, I'm making a weird smile, or I've got a big double chin. How can I take a good picture?!

Thanks,
PhotOh No!

Hey Photoh-no,

Here's a secret. I'm completely incapable of taking a normal picture. My eyes either disappear or bug out of my face like a cartoon. Or I hate the way my neck looks, or any number of nit-picky things. My solution? I never just normally smile in pictures. I open my mouth up wide and give an obnoxious wink. I'm what you call a Face-Maker. Once, I went through a "smizing" phase - you know, smiling with your eyes? (Thanks, Miss Tyra!) But that ended poorly, with lots of angry, confused Pharon's staring back at me. To be honest, lady? I don't know how to take a good picture. I've heard to push your shoulders back, tilt your head either up or down, bug out your eyes, squint, never smile too big, always smile enormously. It would seem that in most professional photos, the subjects never look TOO stoked to be there, so maybe try looking "mildly amused" and see if that works? I don't know. I guess you should should practice in front of the mirror, and drag one of your friends in there with you to give you some honest feedback. Whatever you do, go ahead and send us one of your best shots when you're done! Then WE'LL find you a date!

Dear Crabby,

Oh. Mah. Gah! Long story short, I went out with my co-workers this weekend. We ended up drinking a lot, and then I decided it was a great idea to sing a very NC-17 song at karaoke. I have NO idea what to do in terms of damage control. No one has mentioned it at work, yet, except to ask me if I was hungover on Saturday, so I don't know if I need to apologize or say anything. Help!

Thanks loads, Crabby!
-Sungover

Oh dear, Sungover,

There's nothing like making an idiot out of yourself in front of the people you're supposed to be all mature and put-together around. I would guess that most people have done something at a Happy Hour that they'd prefer not show up on their annual reviews. In terms of damage control, though? I don't know, lady. I would say that you just need to pull yourself together, and move on. Unless you did something super bad or unforgivable, I would just really work to move on. Admit that yes, you were hungover the next day, because you are not used to drinking that much or something. And if it's appropriate, maybe make a joke out of it and start humming that same NC-17 song while heating up your lunch or something. That could ease the tension! It'll blow over, I'm sure. One big thing, though: What SONG did you karaoke?! I gotta know!

Dear Crabby,

E. MER. GEN.CY!!! BAD DYE JOB! TRIED GOING "DUSTY SUNSET" AND ENDED UP WITH "HAIR ON FIRE"!! WHAT DO I DO!?

AAAAAAAARGHHH!!
-SEND HELP

First off, Send Help?

My ears are bleeding from all that yelling. Let's just calm down here, shall we? I'm sure your hair isn't that bad. And if it is? It'll come as good news to you then that it is Hat Season. After you calm yourself down, though, get thee to a salon. The only thing that'll fix a bad dye job is a good dye job. Pull your pennies together, and get it fixed by a professional. If you don't have time or money for that, I guess you just have to do what you'd do if you were painting over a color in your bedroom. Choose something darker, and then just cover it up. (Note: This method does not work if you dye your hair "JET BLACK". Sure the box SAYS it's "non-permanent" but that was a huge lie and my mom got SUPER mad at me. Errr....anywaaaaaay...)

Well I Am Beat. Good questions, guys! Did I miss anything? Get anything wrong? Slap your advice in the comments if you think you can do better! And, as usual, email me your problemas at pharonsquare@gmail.com if you need my help, which I'm sure you probably do.