SQUEEEEE! So, guess what everyone. Geo's coming home tonight! I'm so excited to see him, I can't even think straight! That outta go well for writing a blog...but I'm still going to tell you something tonight because it's that important. I'm pretty sure it's hush-hush, so keep your trap shut.
Okay. Between you and me? I'm pretty sure the U.S. Postal Service is up to something. Something...sinister. First stamp prices are still going up. And is it just a coincidence that Junk Mail is apparently increasing in volume? Oh, and the carriers vans are getting downright NICE. And they're cutting (or cut?) a whole day out of their delivery schedule? Something is definitely going on. And after what happened today, I think this goes further than anyone knows. MUCH FURTHER.
And remember: Because I don't know what kind of security clearance you guys have, we have to keep this on the D.L.
I had to send out 52 different items to different people. I had to send it through the mail, because UPS was too big of a P in my A to deal with when it came to that many shipments. Anyhoozle, I stuff the letters, drop in the little doohickie I was sending, and seal up all 52 envelopes. I drop them all in the mail, and never gave it another thought.
That's when it happened. It started, like all the most sinister plans, with a phone call. "Pharon, I got your letter, but there was no doohickie in there. But the little pouch that the doohickie was IN was still in the envelope, and there was a taped-up rip along the bottom of the envelope." Hmm. That's wacky, I thought. Anyway, moving on...
But then the phone rang again. And again. And before I knew it, about 10 people received envelopes in the same condition. I was scared. Could it be true that SOMEONE was messing with my mail? No. It couldn't be. The USPS is one of the most trusted, honorable organizations in the country! It how communication was...uh...communicated before computers! It couldn't be their fault, could it?!
It could! I dug deeper, you guys. MUCH deeper. Well, technically, I just looked at their website. And I asked the questions no one wanted me to ask. "Some of my mail was tampered with. Do you think there's any chance it could have been done on purpose?" DRAAAMMMAAA! I sent a complaint email, and SOMEONE must not have liked me poking around so much. I got a PHONE call from an actual Postal Office Supervisor. I told him that the damaged/stolen mail was coming in from all points of the country. I think the phones were tapped because all he said was "Okay, we'll look into this." What was he hiding?!
At this point there is no conclusion. YET. The "Supervisor" is getting back to me after some investigation. But like I said, I have the feeling that this goes all the way to the top. The President of Mail must surely be a part of this. How else do you explain the seemingly randomness - and precision - with which my mail was poked, prodded, and pilfered? Someone is pulling these strings, and I won't let them get away with it! If someone is stealing from my envelopes - which, as I mentioned, were sealed. With SPIT. Virtually impenetrable! - they could do it to you too! When will their greed stop!? First the stamp prices, the new outfits (err...uniforms), fancy dog-mace spray, flat-rate mailing of boxes no matter the weight, and now this?
No sirs, I will not roll over and be a victim to this senseless crime. I will not let you get away with robbing me! How am I ever going to feel safe when I mail something again? How will I know that no one has taken a peek at the fan letters I send to Conan O'Brien? I can't live this way, people! I WON'T live this way!!
The truth is out there, people, and I'm going to find it. You can count on me.
Now don't go calling me a hero, you guys. I'm just your average, normal, totally awesome, crime-fighting wonder woman is all. But if you MUST make a big deal about this, I can't stop you. When you get the plaque engraved, just remember it's "Pharon" with a P.H.