Thursday, September 8, 2011

Shot of SmEARnoff Vodka, Please

Well, that seals it. I'm a lost cause. Not five minutes ago, I was standing in the basement, swabbing my ear with vodka. It's not normal adult behavior, I know. But I've got an excuse. Kind of.

It all started when I cheaped out and bought $5 earrings at a Claire's-esque store, instead of either 1) Not buying any earrings or 2) Seeking out a pair with sterling silver posts. But I was whim-shopping. You know. Just buying stuff to buy stuff. I didn't want it to make a big dent in my wallet, so I just got a few super inexpensive things to quell my Shopping Appetite. So, la la la, I take them out of their package and stick 'em right in my ears. Did I take the time to disinfect them? No. Did I consider that any number of grimy little fingers have touched them? Double no. They were cute, they matched my outfit, and I was probably running late.

Cut to this morning. I kept tugging on my earlobe. It hurt a little and I could feel the tiniest little bump in there. It was annoying. I figured I slept on it wrong. Wait, Pharon, did you say that you thought you SLEPT ON YOUR EAR WRONG?! Yes. Yes I did. So all day I'm tugging on it. Poking it. Pinching it. Squeezing it. And after a good 6 hours of this, it hit me. Ugh. Stupid cheap, dirty earrings. My desire to accessorize my ear dangly bits with subpar metals has angered my lobes.

It happens to me quite a bit. My ears, just like my feelings (not), are sensitive and get all uppity at the slightest little annoyance and then my lobes get infected. Not like gross, gnarly infected. Just annoying and kind of itchy for a day or two.

I apparently couldn't be bothered to wait a couple days for it to go away, so I just kept messing with it. Now I've got one normal, adorable ear lobe, and another that looks like it's pregnant or something. It's all big and swollen. I briefly remembered my mom telling me over and over and over as a kid to "just stop picking at it" before I continued to pull and pinch my ear.

Claire and Andrew came home from dinner, and I asked "Claire, do you have any rubbing alcohol?" Before she could ask why, she was all "Whoa. Your right ear is all red and big." I replied "Thanks, Sherlock. Now, about that rubbing alcohol...?" She didn't have any, because we're not doctors or whatever, so she said "Put some vodka on it."

I wasn't too sure about this, so I googled it, and according to a large number of nameless people on many unfamiliar websites, vodka is totally the same thing as rubbing alcohol. So, there I was. Dumping vodka (and, intermittently, drinking vodka)onto a cotton ball and rubbing it on my ear lobe. Will it work? I have no idea. I hope so though.

I asked Claire what made her think of using vodka, and she replied "Well, that's what they did in the old-timey days, so I figured it was okay." Not quite the scientifically-based answer I was hoping for. I said "Yeah, well, old-timey people also put leeches on burn victims and drowned witches." Her boyfriend Andrew said "And they still died from things like the dreaded Splinter." Claire shrugged and was unwaivering, so I can't help but completely trust her.

What about you? Did you ever have to use something weird to cure what ailed you? Or is your go-to cure-all something that isn't exactly FDA approved? Chris Rock had his Robitussin and the dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding used Windex. Is vodka MY new thing now? I mean, I guess I hope so, because otherwise, I'm going to have a seriously drunk ear lobe that still doesn't look or feel any better.

On that note, go out and have nice screwdriver in honor of my ear this weekend. And if this works, I'll let you all know! Have a great weekend!


JessiferSeabs said...

When I was a kid, I was playing on the swingset in my cousins back yard with my cousin and some neighbor kids... and the older girl picked a weed and some milky white stuff came out of it, and she told me it was the "old timey" version of Oil of Olay.

So, being the smart kid that I was, I smeared it all over my face. And when I woke up the next morning, my whoel face was swollen like jabba the hut! My mom totally freaked out! It was fine after a quick trip to the dermatologist and I assume loads of benadryl, but I'll never forget it!

Pharon Square said...

OHMYGAH, Jess - that's HILARIOUS! Kids do the darndest things, amiright? What IS that white stuff anyway?

On a sort-of-related note, I used to eat the white tree bark because I thought it would make me strong/give me curly hair. Also, I ate ants. For no reason. Nature can be such a beyotch. A tasty, itchy beyotch.

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