Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Dear Crabby

Well color me excited! It's time for Dear Crabby! And awaaaaaaay we go!

Dear Crabby,

I've been a hard-working chump for my whole adult life, and still live within the bounds of a pretty strict budget. But I have a friend who doesn't work and throws money around like it's super fun glittery confetti. She's always trying to get me to come out for dinners, and cocktails, and diamond-shoe shopping, but I have to say no because I just haven't built it into my budget. I feel bad, though. I kind of judge her because she's so free with her money, and it makes me feel stingy. What can I do even our playing fields?

Thanks mucho,
Hard-Working Chump


Oh Chump,

I'm sorry that your friend is so unimaginative and boring. Just because she has money doesn't mean she's any more fun than you are! I personally think that people who have to count their pennies are more exciting. Wanna make a fun game out of a dirty sock, three pennies, and an ace of spades? DONE! I'm betting that it's way more fun than paying $45 for a cocktail while sitting at some shishi (French for "fancy") club waiting for someone to compliment me on my diamond tiara. The point is: You just straight up shouldn't compare yourselves. So she's rich. Big whoop! You're probably awesome and funny. I'd call it a toss up. The best thing you can do to "even the playing field" is to invite her to a backyard BBQ and night of card games. It won't matter how much money she has, and it will free you both to have fun. Until she complains that the steaks are not filet mignons. Then you can go ahead and punch her in the throat.

Dear Crabby,

I've got a problem. I like your blog (that's NOT my problem, BTW), and I appreciate your candor, so I'm giving this whole "advice column" thing a shot. Here's the sticky. I don't know what has happened lately, but my friends have kind of decided I'm their dumping ground. Everyone yells at me and blames me for things that are like, so totally dumb. Like "I ask too many questions when I'm nervous". What!? What kind of dumb criticism is THAT?! Anyway, then they'll go through this phase where they ignore me one minute and the next they are telling me that I'm a bad person for any number of reasons. It's like they all got together and decided to collectively point out all my flaws - but only after just pretending I don't exist for a few days. I used to be very straight-forward and brash and aggressive with them, but now I don't KNOW what's happened! Am I pathetic? I'm not saying these people are right, so what can I do to shut them all up?!

Thank you, Crabby,
Dumping Ground


Oh Dumping Ground,

My guess is that your friends are honing in on an insecurity that already exists. If you are the straight-forward, straight-talking kind of girl you think you are, they'd never get away with all their crazy, misdirected bull$hit. If there is a little crack in your Awesome Armor, it sounds like, for whatever reason, your "friends" have flooded that little crack with a giant load of their own crap. I'll tell you this, my lovely Square, they are dumb, and you are not. Somewhere inside of you there is an awesome, butt-kicking girl that is very tired of being ignored. Don't let these jerkwads take THAT away from you. My advice? The next time you experience one of your "friend"'s berating tirades, come back at them, guns blazing. Maybe it'll teach them that they shouldn't dish that which they can't take. Also, maybe then punch them in the throat. That's always helpful, and very therapeutic. Finally, if you don't want to throw them away altogether - which is another good solution - suggest to them that they should check themselves, lest they wreck themselves.

Dear Crabby,

Umm....so, I hate my boyfriend's name. Is that bad? It's a really, really bad name though! Chip! His name is CHIP! As in "chocolate CHIP cookies"! That's bad, isn't it?! I mean, listen. I'm not, like, totally shallow. He's hot, and has a good job, and he tans like nobody's business. But I just can't bring myself to call him "Chip". What can I do?!

Thanks!
XOXOX,
Chip For Brains


Dear Chip for Brains,

Uh, yeah. You are pretty shallow, and should maybe be punched in the throatish region. That is all.

So? SO??!?!?! How'd I do? Do you have better advice than this? If so, holla back in the comments. If you've got some more questions for the Queen of all Questions (a.k.a. ME!) shoot 'em my way to pharonsquare@gmail.com. I'll either fix or ruin your life. Care to take a chance?!

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