Monday, September 26, 2011

Baby, Baby, Baby, OH!

Impromptu girls night. We had fabulous intentions of watching Bridesmaids, which is a seriously awesome movie, but Kim, Liz, and I ended up totally NOT watching a movie and instead we ate low-fat ziti, drank wine, and talked about very important things.

One of the things we discussed was our friends who are new parents. Sorry for whatever offensive things come out now, but I'm three glasses of wine in, and truly fed up with friends who aren't friends anymore, but simply new parents.

Dear everyone with kids - stop being lame. Please go back to being friends with us. You are fun and clever and interesting. You know what's NOT fun and clever and interesting? Stories about babies pooping. Unless they poop a golden egg. Then by all means, let's discuss at length.

I am getting to the age wherein my friends are popping babies out of their bodies, and then acting like it's totally not DISGUSTING at all. No, now they are Miracles. And sure, babies are miracles. I get that. But what SHOULDN'T be a miracle is you showing up for the occasional Happy Hour.

Babies change people. I know that. I've seen that in my own family. You have to be all responsible and caring about another whole entire human being. I GET IT. That's heavy. But that doesn't give you a license to be completely boring. Try hanging out with adults every once in a while. We are fun too, trust me!

This is, in reality, just a vent. I just want people - a.k.a. new parents - to realize that your fun life doesn't end when your child's life begins. Kids don't remember ANYthing for like the first 10 years of our lives. Up until that point, you've got a free pass to wild out. Sure babies enjoy staring at blobby figures of you, but trust that they won't be all distraught if, every once in a while, your blob is replaced by someone else's blob.

The point is, new parents? Listen, we love your babies. And we think you are amazing for expelling that thing from you body, and we respect everything you have to do in order to raise that thing so that they aren't serial killers. We get it. But maybe stop treating us non-baby-having-folk like we couldn't possibly understand your new life. I get you have a baby, but try and not forget that one time you drank way too much and did a dance to Britney Spears on the pool table at our favorite bar. You are still THAT person, too. You just have to be more responsible now. And us "non-kid-having" people understand that, and we'll give you a bunch of leeway, because kids are awesome. But don't forget that you are ALSO awesome, new parents. You were fun, and you can be fun again. Stop fighting it, and come join the rest of the adult race and have a beer while heckling the woman in the tapered jeans and mullet. You know you want to.

I know that someday, when I'm freakishly smothering a newborn and letting my adult life pass me by because I just love my new human that I'm totally in charge of, I will look back at this post and be all "Babies change everything, you couldn't possibly understand this emotion". But if and when I do that, I fully expect YOU, fellow Squares, to call me out on that and be all "You used to be fun, now you have a baby" (best quote ever, taken from and I will proceed to eat my words.

Until then? New mommies and daddies? STOP IT and come hang out with your grown up friends for awhile. I promise you, your child will not write a book someday about how once every few weeks, you went and had dinner with your friends while the child sat staring at random black-and-white images in the distance. Give yourselves a break, and give us your attention for an hour. I PROMISE that you won't regret it.

This offcially ends this public service announcement.