Ever since I was little, I have been a giggler. My family LOVES to remind me that all it would take to make me blush and giggle when I was young was the mere mention of the two words: Toilet Paper. Someone would say that, and I'd just laugh and laugh and laugh. I thought it was so...naughty. It was something you used only behind closed doors. Something that you flushed into a TOILET. It was all so...tawdry.
Anyway, now there are terrible commercials on for Charmin that are trying to make the thing that you wipe your butt with then throw away seem cute. Those stupid, animated bears? The one where there are chunks of toilet paper stuck to that one bear's butt? GROSS! Geez, Charmin. I was pretty sure anything animated was fun, but not this.
Not this, Charmin.
Toilet paper is not something to be discussed over dinner. It's something to secretly giggle about while you hide under the kitchen table. Even now, as I read that back, I am blushing.
I remember the first time I had to buy toilet paper for the bathroom Geo and I shared before we started dating. I was STRESSED. That's, like, a very intimate purchase that could have really made me look silly.
If I got the Super Strength kind where the commercials show someone dropping marbles or something on wet t.p. (um, gross! Is that supposed to represent waste?!) he'd think I was, like, a man or a robot whose butt was made out of steel wool.
If I got generic, I'd be a cheapo who treats hygiene like a waste of time (no pun intended).
If I got super thick, soft 12-ply stuff, I'd be way high-maintenance and likely spend an hour a day unclogging the toilet, all while pretending to be brushing my teeth.
It was really stressful, guys. So, I chose what I thought was a happy medium. It was only years later that Geo told me "Man, you spend a lot of money on toilet paper." Turns out my Happy Medium kind was crazy expensive. Probably because it IS the only kind men and women can share without judgment. I was too busy over-thinking the purchase that money became, apparently, no object.
I had to go to the store tonight for lots of things, including toilet paper. I started giggling almost immediately when I saw the words "Bath Tissue" over the aisle, because - hello! - it's really just toilet paper! Hehehehehehehehe! So I'm standing there, trying to figure out what kind to buy. Not the stupid bear commercial kind, that's for sure. Did I want cheap? Quantity? Quality? So many decisions! Stupid (yet still hilarious) toilet paper! There was a good deal on this giant 24-pack, but I just couldn't bring myself to drop that huge thing in my cart (so...many...puns...). People would be like "Whoa! Someone's got big plans for the week." I just couldn't. I'm still a lady, you guys.
I think I'm going to start buying toilet paper online from a store that delivers it to me in a discreet brown package (once again, no pun intended) so I don't have to go through a red-faced giggling fit while others check out my grocery items and make their own deductions.
Throughout the course of this post, I have been giggling non-stop. All the puns and dirty words that have come to mind, which I have NOT written down, have me doubled over in fits of laughter while Claire has been trying to watch TV in the same room. She is quite annoyed and just gave me one of the meanest stink-eyes ever. Pun INTENDED! ZANGA!