Dear Crabby

After a lovely Skype date with my bff Madeline tonight, my spirits have been lifted considerably. Yay for great friends! Anyway, on our Skype date, she casually mentioned "I'm so glad we are having this Skype date! I just hope you don't ask me for help with your Hello Crabby thing." Well fine, lady. No help needed this week...I've got all the answers.

Dear Crabby,
I've been invited to go on a trip with a friend of mine. Well, "friend" is maybe too strong. We know each other through another friend. Anyway, I really need a vacay, but I'm not sure I want to spend one with a girl I barely know. What do you think I should do?

Thank you!
-To Get Away (or Get Away From Me)

Hey HEY Hey, Get Away!
I personally wouldn't spend my hard-earned vacation days basking in the sun with someone I don't know or love. Unless there are lots of margaritas involved, in which case I could probably handle anything. I suppose you could try and get another pal to join you to break up any tension that may arise, too. My advice, though, is if you aren't pumped about a vacation, it may not be worth taking. Unless, again, there is endless access to delicious margaritas.

Dear Crabby,
Who do you think would win in a fight between Angelina Jolie and Nicolas Cage?

Discuss,
-Lesser of Two Evils

Well, Lesser of Two Evils, there are a number of issues that one must address here. One: In the fight, can Angelina use her mystic vampire powers to drain the life's blood from her competition? Can Nicolas Cage use the glare from the sun off his bald spot to blind his? Also: What is the fight graded on? If it's based purely on my contempt for them, I fear it would be a tie. Same for if it's based on horrible accents in movies. I guess if it's based purely on on strength and physical prowess, I'd put my money on Cage winning that match. Jolie may get exhausted too quickly because she's malnourished and underfed, and would probably get distracted by trying to buy a local baby.

Dear Crabby,
Did you try the VO5?? Did it work? You've piqued my curiosity and now I'm considering trying it out too! Thanks heaps, friend!

Gracias,
Very Optimistic at 5 pm.

Hello VO5, (I caught on to your moniker quite quickly, but it doesn't make any sense, and I fear you spent too much time working on it. Sorry, it's not working...)
No, I never tried it. From the feedback on my Facebook page, I learned that it can make your hair all greasy and gross. Also, you have to travel back in time to the 80s to find it. Oh, and then you like heat it up on a stove. A STOVE! Sorry, I prefer my hair care to take place in the bathroom. So no, I haven't tried it. I am now on the hunt for a similar product that isn't quite so, uh, complicated. Anyone who has ideas should let me know.

If you want to help me fix my hair, or feel the need to fix my advice, slap your comments in the Comments. I'll be sure to read them and then berate them behind your back. Meanwhile, anyone with questions or concerns that can only be answered by a blogger should email pharonsquare@gmail.com and pour your heart out. Holla back, y'all...(Madeline, that one was for you.)