Monday, January 30, 2012

Heart Attcat

To say that last night's sleep was bad would be an enormous understatement. Allow me to paint you a picture:

[Scene: My (still very clean) Bedroom. Players: Me. Lighting: Subtle glow from a television tuned to Friends rerun.]
Yawn! Well, I've taken my contacts out, pretended to brush my teeth, and slipped in to my sexiest fleece pants and paint-splattered sorority shirt. Looks like it's time to crawl into my lovely Kate Spade sheets for a few winks.

Don't forget to turn the sleep timer on the TV on. Don't want to be awoken from my dreamy slumber to the sound of that infomercial that I can't help but watch every time I see it. Of COURSE I have anxiety! And YES I will call that 800 number to get my free brochure in the mail!

Aaaaannnd....Zzzzzz...

Holy balls I'm cold! Why is it so cold up here?! Doesn't heat rise? Check the thermostat on my alarm clock. Oh, really? It's 53.4 degrees in here? No wonder I'm so cold! Ugh! I've been sleeping with my door to the downstairs floor open so that the heat can come up, so what gives?

I'll check the door. Okay, it's open, and my high-tech cat gate is safely protecting my room from the two cats we are taking care of.

[Evidence]

Hmm. Everything appears to be in order. But I'm soooo coooooold! Ooh! I'll just plug this space heater in next to my bed! Ahhh...there we go. I can feel my toes getting warmer.

[10 minutes later]
I gotta turn this space heater off. Don't these things start fires, like, ALL THE TIME?! Aw man! But I'm still so cold. Well, I'll just throw on another layer of fleece and get back to the business of sleep. Okay...back...to....Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Hmmm. Something's weird. I haven't opened my eyes yet, but I feel like, I don't know. I feel like someone's watching me or something.

Let me just slowly open my eyes. OH GOOD GOD! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?! THERE IS A CAT SLEEPING ON MY PILLOW NEXT TO MY FACE! HELP! HELP ME! SOMEONE ALERT FEMA! CLEARLY MY IMPENETRABLE CAT GATE HAS BEEN DESTROYED!

(Allow me to remind you good folks that my intense fear of cats stems from childhood. I had my first sleepover at CLAIRE'S HOUSE when I was about 6 years old. I woke up because I couldn't breathe only to discover her cat was sleeping ON MY FACE. When I freaked out, so did the cat. He hissed and screeched at me. I've been afraid of cats stealing my soul ever since.)

Okay, Pharon. Try to not wet the bed from your panicked crying. Calm down. Breathe. HEY CAT! GET OFF MY PILLOW!

The cat jumps off the bed and runs under my bed. I fumble around in the dark, blind from no contacts, and swing my cute new zebra-print mini broom lightly under the bed. The cat runs out. Hops back on my bed. I start sobbing. GET OFF MY BED! PLEASE, DEVIL CAT, JUST GET OFF MY BED.

Finally, I chase the cat downstairs and watch as he effortlessly leaps over my carefully-constructed gate. I run downstairs after the cat, and slam the door closed behind it. No more cats tonight. I'll put on my winter jacket if I have to.

Finally, back to sleep....Zzzz...

BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! Oh great, time to wake up. Okay, let's just rub my eyes, stretch, and then slowly adjust to the light in my room. Ahhh, there we g...WTF?! THE OTHER CAT IS IN MY ROOM. Clearly, the cats have developed the ability to open door handles.

So I started the day with a good ol' fashioned cry in the shower while I tried to scrub off the feeling that I have grown cat hair overnight and attempt to come to terms with the fact that I have somehow become the Leader of the Cats. Meeeyowza.

Someone get me that infomercial 800 number...

2 comments:

Madeline Solien said...

While I have tried to convince myself that this is in the same vein as me waking up to snakes in my bed, I can't do it. Cats have cute faces and clearly thought you were a good person to snuggle with...now i'm just sad you didn't let the cat sleep with you for the rest of the night.

Blogger said...

If you want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (no matter why you broke up) you need to watch this video
right away...

(VIDEO) Want your ex CRAWLING back to you...?