Hot Oil for a Hot Mess

Add this to the list of Days Where I Reach New Lows. I woke up cranky and threw myself into work. It felt better. On my way home, however, I remembered that after 3 weeks of dining out with Geo, I had seriously neglected my grocery shopping. I almost drove into a pole to avoid having to run to Target. So I needed to focus on buying something dumb, random and fun while I was there.

Okay, VO5 Hot Oil, today is your day.

I absent-mindedly threw a bunch of healthy food that will surely go bad before I actually eat it into my cart. I was delaying the weird purchase to build suspense. I strolled through the cereal aisle twirling my dry, burned hair. Sorry, Mom, I know how much you HATE that habit of mine. "Pharon, it makes you look silly."

See, a couple weeks ago I tried to look pretty and straighten my hair. As usual, my attempt at beauty failed miserably. Guess what! My straightening iron is either broken or the devil. As I pulled it through my rats-nesty hair, I smelled something, um, not so pretty.

I had burned the front section of my hair. It instantly spiraled up in coarse little spindly strands that hung angrily in my face.

Thus the need for the VO5. To be clear, I actually have no idea what this alleged "hot oil" is or does. All I know is that on the commercials, hair looks really pretty and shiny and I want that. Plus, the product has been on The Price is Right for, like, evs so you know it's got some clout.

Finally, I pushed my cart to the hair aisle. I still had on my giant, full-length down jacket that is typically reserved for frigid nights only. But, the sad dowdiness of it seemed appropriate for my melodramatic mood today.

So I was already sweating in the stupid coat. One woman was blocking the exact part of the aisle I needed to get to to find the VO5. So I'm sweating, bobbing and weaving around World's Most Irritating Woman searching wildly for anything resembling hot oil. Never in my life have I been so angry to not see a stupid product I have never used before on the shelf at Target. I couldn't find it anywhere. I nearly screamed "I JUST WANT THE HOT OIL! I DON'T WANT 'LEAVE-IN' ANYTHING! WHERE'S THE STUPID MIRACLE OIL THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT ACTUALLY DOES?!"

I left. VO5-less. I came home, singed hair hanging limply in my face. I decided to just curl up with my new InStyle magazine and zone out in front of the TV.

I have seen 3 commercials for VO5. I still have no idea what it does but I'm certain it would have solved all my problems today.