Dear Crabby

Well what a wonderful coincidence! It's time for Dear Crabby and I'm so cranky from starting a diet. I'm so hungry I could eat brown rice. Okay, not really...but still. I'm hungry and cold and cranky. With that said, let's answer some dumb questions.

Dear Crabby,

How do I tell my girlfriend that she makes our dog look like an idiot when she puts a sweater on him? I mean, yes, it's cold. But he's a lab. And a DOG. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but he HATES it. He squirms when she puts it on, he's always itching at it, and I could swear that last time he even shed a tear. Every time she puts that fuzzy sweater on him, I feel so bad for him that I really think I should say something. Suggestions?

Thanks,
Person for Ethical and Tasteful Attire

Hey PETA,
I'm with you 100%. Listen, I love dogs as much as the next guy. And SURE I'll want to have photo sessions for my teacup piglet when I get one, but I will be entirely aware that my pet is not a person. Dogs are not people. Do people not understand that? A dog is not a baby. They eat their own puke and poop out plastic bags and crayons. Unless you also have to change a pet's diaper, you should not dress them. Oh, wait, unless it's one of those tiny dogs that shivers all the time. They very well may need an extra layer. I say that you hire a coworker or someone she doesn't know and have them come over and pretend they are a dog whisperer. They can be all "Oh, no. He's just not happy. He clearly is upset with patronizing way you seem to treat him less than the fierce killing machine he so wants to believe he is. The sweaters are hurting his spirit." Chicks love crap like that. Then voila! You're not the bad guy, and your poor pupper will gain back some self respect.

Dear Crabby,
So, the other day I was using my boyfriend's computer. I literally accidentally clicked into his email and saw these emails from some girl he works with. I read them and didn't see anything too incriminating, but I'm worried about him emailing her so much. Most of the emails were about work, but then there were some about Happy Hours and stuff. Oh, AND he never even mentioned me ONCE in the emails! I'm really worried. Should I be?

Thanks!
Snoopy

Hey Snoopy,
Um, okay, see this is why I password-protect my stuff. I don't need Geo seeing that I spent hours looking at jewelry porn at Tiffany.com or put a picture of myself on a makeover site to see what I'd look like 20 pounds lighter with Kate Beckinsale's hair style. My guess is you snooped and now you're paying the price. I noticed you said that not only were the emails totally innocent, but you seem more upset that he didn't talk about you. Women are vain. We enjoy knowing that the world revolves around us. Any evidence to the contrary disappoints us wholly. I'm NOT a snooper. I refuse to learn Geo's passwords (although I suspect I know some of them). It's not that I'm afraid I'll see something I'll misinterpret, it's more that I believe I WON'T FIND ONE THING ABOUT ME. I like to assume he Facebook-stalks me and chats about how awesome I am incessantly. I like to imagine there are entire email archives just bragging about me and his entire history is full of websites he's visited searching for presents for me. But guess what, lady. NONE OF THAT IS THERE. And I don't feel like being disappointed by confirming my suspicions. My point is: STOP SNOOPING! If you're worried about him cheating on you, do what any red-blooded woman would do and hire a private detective to spy on him in person. Sheesh.

Dear Crabby,
What's the difference between making small talk and flirting? Just curious.

Thank you,
Chatty Cathy

Sup Chatty,
The difference between small talk and flirting is almost nothing. Both should be non-offensive. Both usually happen in a bar or in a bus shelter or some similarly glamorous setting. Both take a special skill set that horribly awkward people do not possess. And neither of them should involve the story about your short stint in jail when you got caught peeing in the dumpster behind the library after you drank a whole bottle of peppermint schnapps. Other than that, I think it's essentially the same. Why??

Okay, that's it. Go ahead and tell me where I've missed the mark (if I have, which I totally haven't, jerks). For next week, let's switch it up. I think we should theme-it-up. Send me only your questions about...hmm...hygiene. Yeah. Let's try that. Send your dirty, ugly, stinky questions to pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll be sure to help you out.