Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Team Demon Baby

Out of all the movies playing in the theaters right now, Geo and I made the genius decision to see Twilight tonight. Truth be told, I suggested it. He and I have seen the other two, so I figured why not? Neither of the other two movies were good. Seriously. They were entertaining, to be sure, and Geo and I laughed and laughed and laughed all the way through them. What's that? They aren't supposed to be comedies? Whoops.

At any rate, we decide to see this movie because they other movies were either too late, too long, or too serious. Plus, I heard there's loads of gratuitous melodrama, and I'm all about that.

I won't give away too many spoilers. To be fair, if any of you care at all about this movie, you would have seen it already, so if you really are that crazy about the movie and don't want to hear any of the bloody details, you better stop reading.

And now...a Pharon Square production...A Review of Twilight: The Greatest Terrible Movie Ever

There's approximately 45 minutes of us just staring at crusty Kristin Stewart's sour face. Is she going to vurp (vomit+burp)? Is she suffering from a serious migraine? Is her Aunt Flo in town? Oh, no. She's just, uh, I think she's supposed to be happy? The range that girl has...

Anyway, she's "happy" because she's marrying a vampire.

Snooze your way through the wedding scene, because it lasts for 4 1/2 days. Cut to the juicy stuff. The honeymoon. Bow chicka bow wow! Oh, just more snarly-faced K-Stew? Relax, girlfriend! You're 18-years-old and married to a man who has no heartbeat and watches you while you sleep! What more could a girl ask for?!

Whoops. Look who's going to be the next star of Teen Mom! Looks like our fair heroine is preggers! What a miracle! The joys of motherhood...she's all glowy and happy. Just like a typical pregnant mortal.

Cue Edward's freak out: That "thing" inside of his betrothed is an evil demon spawn. It's growing at an incredible (for some reason). Maybe before he freaks out he should make sure it's not a food baby, because that happens to me all the time. Anyway, Edward's so conflicted, y'all! His wifey wants to keep the baby, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST, PEOPLE!?

Blah blah blah, lots happens. Werewolves are everywhere. Jacob is angry at Edward for sticking that devil bun in her oven, and everyone in the theater is mad at me. I'm laughing too hard, too loudly. Psht. Whatever. (Bonus insight to those of you who have seen the flick: E.J.? For a name? That was rich...)

Then there's just like 2 1/2 hours straight of us having to stare at the bony, malnourished, rotting-from-the-inside, pregnant K-Stew. She's seriously toe-up. She looks gross. Why do we have to keep looking at her? WE didn't marry her! GROSS. Oh, all K-Stew needs to do is drink blood to satiate the baby and keep it from eating her from the inside out? Cool! That TOTALLY doesn't make me want to puke.

Then comes the bloodbath. Birthin' vampires is a bloody business. Spoiler alert: There will be blood. Loads of blood. Blech.

Oh! There's one line - and out of context you may not understand my reaction, but whatevs - Edward the vampire is reading Jacob the werewolves mind (of course). I can only guess that Jacob peed on the baby or something because all of a sudden, all the wolves who wanted to eat that baby are all like "Oh no! We can't eat that baby NOW! Jacob claimed her!" The actual line is something like "Jacob peed imprinted on her, so we have to leave her alone. That's our most absolute law. I laughed so hard I almost imprinted on myself.

So the movie mercifully ends. Geo and I start strolling out, our sides sore from laughing, and the movie usher dude is like YELLING at people: "Y'all! The movie ain't over! Don't leave, TWI-HARDS!" First of all, broseph? I'm no Twi-Hard. Second? Don't yell at me using terrible grammar. Still, we stand there, staring at the credits. Then comes some quick little stupid prologue scene that takes about 45 seconds and is so annoying and dumb I almost go all Werewolf on the usher guy. As we walked out I said loudly "That was horrible. I wish we wouldn't have had to stay for that crap." Bazinga, dude.

Anyway, it was trrrrrible. I mean, it was exactly what I expected, and I was thoroughly entertained. Probably not in the way the director WANTED me to be entertained, but still. Go see it if you haven't already. Or, well, maybe just don't turn the channel if it comes on cable in the next few months.

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