Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Dear Crabby

Sup dude?! So, I was all stressed and anxious today, and I responded to a text from Geo asking me a question and I said "I don't know. I just don't know. The one thing I DO know is that I'm going to dye my hair tonight." He didn't know what to do about that, and just went with it. So, I dyed my hair tonight. I had a fleeting thought in the hair color aisle, as I picked up the "Brown Black" color I was going for. In the back of my head, I heard my mom say "Don't EVER color your hair with anything even REMOTELY black again! No 'Ebony'. No 'Midnight'. Nothing referencing Medusa." But, I bought it anyway (sorry Mom!) and came home to dye my hair. Spoiler alert: Apparently, my hair is ALREADY "brown black" because there is no change in color. Dumb. Anyhoozle, let's move on to this week's questions!

Dear Crabby,
I know you've addressed Facebook etiquette before, but this is a little more specific. I have friend who is not a mother who shares EVERY LITTLE THING going on her life. Last week, she described - IN DETAIL - her latest, uh, bathroom event. She checks in everywhere, always is tagging people, and posts some of the most pointless status updates EVER! "Lost another sock in the wash. What is UP with that?!" Seriously, that's a real "status". That's not a STATUS, that's a brief, fleeting thought. I'm too good of friends with her to block her or hide her. Periodically, she'll address me specifically in a post, so I know she knows I'm there. What can I do? She's making me not want to check FB anymore!

Thanks for the help, lady!
-Wall of Shame

Hey Wall of Shame,
That's a touchy subject, yo. Clearly you are good enough friends with her that she references you on a frequent basis, but not good enough to pull her aside, buy her a shot and say "Hey, lay off posting the Worst Posts Ever on Facebook. You're ruining it and making me think seriously about cancelling my account." I say the next time she posts some lame-o comment, you fight fire with fire. If she loses a sock in the wash, you comment that you found hair in your drain. She talks about her bathroom habits? You comment with a very lengthy description of how blisters form and break. You'll become the star of HER Facebook page. Eventually people will tune in to her page to hear your comments, and then you've won. Make it a game. She'll either totally not get it, thereby giving you permission to keep doing it, or she'll get mad and you can be like "Sorry, dude! Just trying to spice up your posts a little!" It'll all work out. Or, just hack into her account and spam the crap out of people and her account will be deleted. Best of luck!

Dear Crabby,
I think I have a piece of glass stuck in my foot! I stepped on a broken glass like WEEKS ago, and my foot still hurts! What should I do?

With Sincere Gratitude,
Trouble's afoot

Hello TA,
First? I would not ask ME about anything involving feet. GROSS. My gut reaction would be to just chop your foot off now and call it a day. I guess, though, you're looking for a less horrific solution. Hmm...I asked Geo what he would do and he said "Scrape it with a tweezer or something until she can see the glass and then pull it out. If that doesn't work, leave it alone. Her body will probably reject it." I asked "And what if it doesn't?" And he said "I don't know, hopefully she's up-to-date on her shots, I guess." Helpful. I say: Go to the hospital. Run into the ER demanding help. Sure, they'll be mad, but they'll probably help ya out.

Dear Crabby,
My husband and I have been married for three years. We've lost the romance, obviously, but we're also just kind of like around each other, you know? I'm super crazed at work and have no time to spend trying to be all hot and crap. My husband just doesn't really try anything romantic anymore because he's busy too. Are we lame? What should we do? Do you think maybe he's cheating on me or something?

Thanks a lot, Crabby!
-Three Year Itch

Oh my dear, dear reader,
I have no clue if he's cheating on you, I'm sorry. Do you think he is? In your heart of hearts, do you believe he is? My best guess is that he's not. It sounds like you are just busy dudes, and the concept of long, romantic dinners followed by emotional chats by the fireplace bore the bejeebus out of you both. I don't know what to tell you. I DO know that you are by no means alone. I know loads of people who are going through the same thing. Also, I'm pretty sure there a bajillions of books focused on this exact subject, so I think I'd probably consult one of those experts if I were you. All I can tell you though, is that it sounds like everything is totally normal, if not ideal. Sorry! This is like, a REAL problem, and I have no REAL advice for you...good luck, though!

Well, cats and kittens, that ends another weekly installment of Dear Crabby. Think you know better? Meh, you probably do...but if you have some advice of your own, slap it in the comments. And don't forget! You can always email your own problemos to I'll catch you on the flipside!

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