Dear Crabby-Ho Ho Ho Edition

Hey there Grinches! I'm writing this on Geo's iPad so there may be typos. Strike that...there WILL be typos. Anyway, let's get down to some merry business!

Dear Crabby,

Hellllllp! I need a good gift idea for my mother-in-law! She is really sweet, but she always says she doesn't WANT anything. I don't want to show up for our first Christmas as a married couple empty handed! Any fool-proof ideas? We leave for her house on Friday, so I don't have much time! I know you'll have at least ONE trick up your sleeve.

Thank you,
One Maid a-Milking

Hey Maid,
Gift for the ol' MIL, eh? Let's see. How about something homemade? Cookies or something, you know? Oh wait. Unless you are a good baker, you may run the risk of giving the poor thing salmonella. Strike that. How about a shirt with a pic of her son screenprinted on it? Yay! What proud mamma WOULDNT want that? Ugh, you may not have enough time for that though. Okay, how about this: find an acorn. Dip it in peanut butter and feathers and then slap some words on it that you cut out of a magazine. When she asks you what it is, tell her you are pregnant. The gift of a grandchild trumps all. This would probably work best if you ARE pregnant, but if not, blame it on a false positive. Happy Holidays!


Dear Crabby,
I think my family hates my girlfriend. She's kind of abrasive and mean, which I'm used to, but my family hasn't really grown to love her like I do yet. I invited her to my family Christmas dinner, assuming she'd decline, but she actually accepted! My parents didn't seem too thrilled when I told them, and now I don't know what to do! How can I make peace on Earth-or at least peace in my parents' house for a few hours?

Felix navidad, Señorita!
One Drummer Drumming

Hey Drummer,
My suggestion? Virgin drinks for your lady, loaded egg nog for your parents. That is all.

Dear Crabby,
What's your favorite part of Christmas? Mine is spending time with family and friends. Oh, and I also love the smell of a Christmas tree! Oh, and Christmas movies!!! Anyway, what's yours?

Fa la la la la!!!
-Partridge in a Crazy Tree

Hi Crazy,
Glad to hear you love the holidays so much! I think you've got it covered when it comes to great things about Christmas. And then some. Anyway, my favorite part is probably the birth of Jesus and....oh wait, nope! My favorite part is actually the presents. Booyah!

And with that lovely seasonal sentiment, I must dash away to give billions of presents to billions of kids. Oops, no, that's not my job. I'm must dash away to the kitchen to eat 10 leftover cream cheese wontons. Next week, I'll be answering questions about New Years Eve and helping people recover from their disastrous Christmases when they drunkenly stumbled into the Christmas tree and called Grandma's new boyfriend a "cougar hunter". Ho Ho Ho-lla!!