Monday, August 13, 2012

When Working Out...Doesn't Work Out

Hey, yoga-pants girls. WE GET IT. YOU HAVE VAGUE PLANS TO GO TO THE GYM.

Listen. I'm sorry. I just kind of hate people these days. Today's target? People who do EVERY ERRAND POSSIBLE in their workout gear. And, from what I can gather, no one actually MAKES it to the gym. Not one person, in the history of time, has ever run any errand of any kind in any country AFTER the gym. Nope.

Every person I've ever seen wearing workout clothes in public has not just BEEN to the gym. They just want everyone to think they've GONE to the gym. Or are on their way TO the gym. Spoiler Alert: they're not.


Listen. I've been known to put on a sports bra and tank to run to the grocery store just so I could buy ice cream. You know, because then people will be like "Hey, she's not that skinny and buying a thing of Ben & Jerry's. But it's cool, because she OBVIOUSLY just went to the gym. Good for her! She deserves it!"

There is a specific emotion I'm trying to manipulate out of people by wearing workout gear to a place. But I'm careful not to look GOOD on these errands. No. Then no one will BELIEVE that I've worked out, which, obvs, I haven't. But it's all in the illusion.


But other women are ruining it! Women all over the world are slipping into full makeup, clean hair casually tousled, jewelry and then WORKOUT PANTS. They are cheapening my own efforts! In fact, they are raising the expectations of women SHOULD look like at the gym to inaccurate levels. When people work out, they sweat. Their hair frizzes. Any remaining makeup they have on slips ever-so-offensively down their cheeks. THAT'S what a girl who has worked out looks like.

And yet, somehow I look like the boob (hehe, boob) running into the liquor store Target with my sweat still fresh  on the back of my shirt and my hair violently trying to escape from my head after an ACTUAL WORKOUT. Geez, sorry to offend your eyes, every person ever. 

You guys...please tell me I'm not alone. You know you've seen these people. Or, I don't know. Maybe it's because I spent a lot of time in Edina today. But every errand I ran was hindered by yoga-pant wearing women. My issue is not that they were running errands in their workout gear. My issue is that they were CLEARLY nowhere near the spin class they just told the clerk about at the post office.

Listen, I don't wear workout clothes and sports bras unless I've reluctantly committed to sweating in public. I don't need to show it off or prove to to anyone that I'm working out (unless I'm buying liquor/ice cream in which case it works as pseudo-justification, OR if I've been to kickboxing). Listen, if you MUST run errands in your fake workout gear, at least don't sit there sipping coffee and eating a scone beforehand. That's just offensive to the people who are chugging water and eating raw chicken (or whatever you eat for "protein") in preparation for a REAL workout.

So, listen. Enough with the yoga pants and full makeup in public. The gym is a stinky, smelly, moist place and you should prepare accordingly. Even if you're faking it.

1 comment:

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