Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Dear Crabby -- Gold Medal Edition!

Oh. HAI. What's up, dudes? Here we are...HUMP DAY. I just had a super fun happy hour with some old work pals and am feeling particularly happy now. We'll see how Crabby does with some of the newest questions from you all. (I'm sensing a theme in this week's questions, BTW.)

Dear Crabby,
Are you into the Olympics at all? If so, what's your favorite sport??
Just wondering,
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Hey there, my fellow American,
Apparently I AM into the Olympics. I didn't know that until I rushed home tonight to see the end of the women's volleyball match. In terms of my favorite sport, that's tough. And, honestly, it depends on a number of factors. Women's gymnastics is the most terrifying sport ever. They can crack their skulls open flipping on those uneven bars. They can crack their coochies and ruin their chances at fertility on the balance beam. Also? Their bodies are not of this world. Then again, women's volleyball is amazing. If I could look like any type of Olympian in the world, it would be a women's volleyball player. They are tall and tan and they can jump. Then again, men's swimming is just...PRETTY. They make it look so easy. And also? Um, YUM, Ryan Lochte. YUM. Overall, I just am digging the Olympics.I like when America wins, but I also like hearing about athletes from other countries who are superhuman. Ugh...and I literally just now teared up at a VISA commercial congratulating Misty May-Trainor and Kerri Walsh on their third straight gold medal. Love it. 'MURIKKA!

Dear Crabby, 
If you could compete in any Olympic sport, what would it be? I'd probably choose rowing. 
Let me know!
Row Your Boat

Tough question, RYB,
Rowing seems cool, I guess, but I disagree. Rowers all seem so stuck up and they all think they invented Facebook. (Wait, that doesn't sound right.) I would say diving or track, because, I mean, I can can both run AND jump off a diving board, but all their faces look TRRRRRIBLE in slow motion, so definitely not those. Um, I would say I would want to compete in Men's Basketball. Because, seriously? A 5'2" white chick on a men's Olympic basketball team? AWESOME.

Dear Crabby,
OMG. I'm an emotional wreck lately! I've been stressed out at work and just overwhelmed lately. The other day I was watching some story thing about the Olympics online and I burst into tears at work. What's my problem? How can I stop freaking out and having these breakdowns?
Ugh,
First Place in Pity Parties

Oh, FPIPP,
If I had a dollar for every emotional breakdown I've had because of some story told over triumphant music about an Olympic athlete, I'd have a billion dollars. The fact that you cried at these stories - which are CRAFTED to make you cry/love your country - doesn't mean you're freaking out. It means that you are not a robot. I mean, if you're also sobbing when the printer jams at work, you may very well have problems. But crying at the Olympics does not a breakdown make. If that were true, I would need to speak with a psychiatrist immediately about the 6 "breakdowns" I've had in the past hour. And I KNOW I'm sane. The voices in my head tell me so.

So I ended tonight's post on a cheap joke, what of it? I'm pretty sure I would get a gold medal in advice-giving anyways. If you think you can do better and knock me down to silver, give it a shot in the comments. For anyone else who has (non-Olympic related) questions, go ahead and shoot an email to pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll go ahead and knock it out of the park.

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