Dear Crabby

Listen, I don't know how you guys don't know this yet, but I know NOTHING about planning a wedding. I'm less than a year away from my own and all I can think about is whether I can train a flamingo to sing Nelly Furtado at the reception. Needless to say, I have no clue how to plan a wedding. Yet, I still have a bunch of Dear Crabby questions asking for wedding planning advice. Well, if you're okay with horrible answers, you've come to the right place! Let's see what happens, shall we?

Dear Crabby,

I was having a discussion with my mom tonight about my wedding plans and she insisted on having her own opinions and insights, with which I disagreed. I rarely fight with my mom, but for some reason, the emotions were running high and I left in a huff. What do I do about this whole situation?!

Thanks,

Mother vs. Daughter 

Hey there, MvD,

My advice is to apologize to your mom, appreciate her input and help, express your gratitude towards her and then understand that if you are lucky enough to have a supportive mom, it comes with an occasional opinion. The nerve! But even if you disagree, take a breath next time and try to be rational. You can't plan a wedding when everyone is unhappy, and you certainly don't want to plan a wedding without your mom if she's even remotely willing to help. Tell your mom you're sorry for fighting, remind her that you love her very much and respect her opinion, even if you disagree, and then ask her to forgive you for storming out. Unless you've really fouled things up, hopefully she will tear up the adoption papers and agree to start fresh. Then ask her if it's okay if you swing by tomorrow after work to pick up the Dunkin Donuts K-cups you left at her house. 

Dear Crabby,

I'm putting together my guest list for my upcoming nuptials and trying to figure out whether or not to invite kids. I mean, sure kids are cute, but do I really want to have them at my wedding?! I've read books about this, but all of the answers seem to be so politically correct. I need some real answers!

Muchas gracias!

Not Kidding 

Sup, Not Kidding!

Um, I don't know about the actual rules about this, but I personally am obsessed with my nieces and nephews. I love 'em to pieces even when they smear melted chocolate on my white shirt and tell me that I smell bad. I love them love them love them. I know that my wedding would never be complete unless I could see those rugrats running around and laughing. Even if they smear melted chocolate on my dress and tell me I smell bad on my wedding day, I don't care. I don't care if other people think they are rotten or bad dancers or whatever, I want those kids around because I love them more than bagels. BUT! I ONLY want those kids around. I usually have no tolerance for other people's children. They don't get me the way my own nieces and nephews get me. So, my advice to you is to only let the kids you know and love come to your wedding. But if you don't like kids, don't invite them. If parents put up a fuss, hire a babysitter and keep the kids away from you...and melted chocolate. 

Dear Crabby,

What do you think about writing your own vows? I know you like to think of yourself as a writer, so maybe you're all for it. But, I'm looking at it from a different perspective: I mean, if I'm being honest, traditional vows seem so cliche to me. Would you write your own? What do you think you'd write?

Sincerely,

Take a Vow 

Uh...well, Take a Vow,

If I'M being honest, you sound like kind of a drag. First with the backhanded comment (I don't THINK of myself as a writer, I kind of AM a writer...otherwise, what exactly are you reading right now!?) and then the comment that traditional, time-honored vows are "cliche"? I mean, I guess if you think you can do better, by all means go ahead. To me, traditional vows address the most basic, yet difficult issues that a married couple deals with. I don't think I could ever write my own. I'd like to liven my vows up a bit, but in 50 years, I don't want to look back on my wedding and be all "Why did I promise to never speak negatively about Maroon 5 ever again?" If you have something more important to promise and address in front of all your loved ones, then by all means, write your own. I just feel like I'll be too nervous and emotional to do anything other than repeat after someone else. But, there is certainly something to be said about making vows specific and meaningful to you and your soon-to-be hubby. If that makes sense for you, go ahead and give it a shot!

Okay, that was fun. Now, back to my original thought: Where can I even GET a flamingo!? Send your comments or ideas to pharonsquare@gmail.com and include links to any pics you  may have of said flamingo.