Sharks bite

Hey! I've got a GREAT idea! Let's watch Shark Week one week before I leave for the exotic beaches of Rhode Island!

Oh, wait. This is a TERRIBLE idea. Now, I realize that the shores of the tiny town of Jerusalem, RI aren't exactly considered to be the hunting grounds for sharks, but whatevs. The ocean is the ocean.

Anyway, yeah. I leave this weekend to enjoy some serious R&R in RI. My cousin, Jackie, is getting married in what is sure to be an epic event. My whole family is going to be there. In case you Squares forgot,  my mom is from Rhode Island, so we used to go there every summer. I haven't been there in YEARS so I'm pretty stoked.

In fact, the closest I've been to the quahog state lately is my devotion to Family Guy. Yup, I'm getting ready to do some clamming, eating crazy-fresh lobster, frequenting Dunkin Donuts, and generally eating my way through the town. One thing that I am not looking forward to is getting eaten by a shark.

I've never seen a shark. I've caught and cared for billions of hermit crabs. I've even sunk my hands into a bucket full of jellyfish on more than one occasion. Digging my feet into the sand to get quahogs and then eating them? DONE IT. But no. Not sharks. Never sharks.

As a kid, I remember thinking that the red tide (do non-ocean people know what that is?) that ruined our boogie-boarding plans was caused by the blood of shark victims. No one has yet to prove my theory wrong.

My point is that the ocean is a terrifying place, according to the Discovery Channel. It's full of breaching sharks and hungry beasts. And no matter how many times the scientists refer to them as "magnificent creatures", I will be on high alert during my wave riding and skim boarding adventures. That is, if I even decide to step a toe into the mysterious waters.

Let's just hope that my vacation doesn't turn into the next "inspirational story" or "horrifying cautionary tale" for next year's Shark Week.