Monday, August 27, 2012


I am still in vacation withdrawal. I know, I know. No one feels bad for the girl coming off a week-long vacation to the beach. But I may get some of you with this.

When I got home on Saturday afternoon, I didn't go home. I got my car from my brother's house and I realized I didn't want to go home to an empty apartment with no food. I drove around for a bit before I decided that I needed a craft to get my mind off of the end of my vacation. I went to, let's see, two, three, eleven, TWELVE stores looking for supplies. Four hours later, I went home to get started.

I dropped my suitcase in the middle of the floor and unpacked my craft supplies. The project I was most excited about was etching glass. FUN, RIGHT?! So I got my glasses out, turned on an Extreme Couponing marathon and got to work.

Hold up. Apparently, the glass etching cream I got also goes by the name Agent Orange. According to the label, it's the most dangerous substance known to man. I was instructed by the bottle to wear goggles, long-sleeved shirts and latex gloves. I had zero of those supplies on hand.

The warning label on the glass etching bottle warned me that I could go BLIND if the cream got in my eye. BLIND! How can I do crafts if I'm BLIND?! WTF, glass etching cream?! It also warned that the cream would damage any fricking thing it came into contact with. It may as well have said, "This is acid, lady! ACID!"

I got nervous. I emailed my sister Padrin who made me this baller casserole dish for Christmas. On it, she etched "Pharon's Kickasserole". She knows me too well. So I figured she was a pro. I was all "Hey, sis. What's up with this glass etching stuff? Will I go blind?" And she was all "You're a spazz. Cover your workspace and use some common sense."

Maybe she DOESN'T know me that well.

So tonight, I started the highly toxic process of crafting. I put on 12 sweatshirts, my sunglasses and taped Ziploc baggies on my hands. I put the cream on the first glass and let it sit. As the deadly substance gradually ate away at the glass, I had a major panic attack.

How do I dispose of this?! If it's toxic enough to blind/maim/circumcise me, what will it do to my plumbing and trash can? 

See, when your glass is all eaten away into an adorable pattern, you're supposed to simply wash the cream down your drain, throw away the stencils and wash the glass. Easy peezy, right?! WRONG. If this stuff is going to do the kind of damage it promises on the warning label, how are you supposed to just spill it down your drain!? I held my breath,opened all the windows in the apartment, got my fire extinguisher ready and pre-dialed 911 before I turned on my kitchen faucet. Before sticking the glass under the stream of water, I put a Tupperware container over my mouth and nose, securing it with a cute new scarf I bought. I was ready.

NOTHING HAPPENED. The cream slipped down the drain harmlessly, my limbs were all in tact and there was no sign that the etching substance destroyed my sight or fertility. And my glass was downright etchin' adorable.

In closing, I would like to say that if you are GOING to put a warning label on a stupid crafting product, do not allow insanely fearful people to purchase that product without thorough training. Or hey! Maybe just write "Listen, don't get this in your body, but it's totally fine and can't even eat through Scotch tape." WHICH IT CAN'T. (Um, if you claim that your product can eat your soul from the inside out if you get it on your arm, but it can't penetrate through a sliver of transparent tape, you have over-warned your customers.)

But yeah. My glasses are crazy-cute. If not highly toxic.

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