Dear Crabby

OMG. I am SO far behind in my "getting my act together" that I haven't even figured out how to end this sentence. I still have 100 things to do before my trip and instead of doing any of them tonight, I FaceTime'd with Geo and gave him a tour of how messy my apartment is. He's all "Why don't you clean it?" And I'm all "I'm busy SHOWING YOU how messy it is. GUH!" Anyway, let's speed through some questions for Crabby, okay?

Dear Crabby,
I can't believe I'm saying this, but my baby daddy is a major douche. I'm a totally normal woman who has no desire to be on Maury, but I need some advice. My daughter's father is SUPER lame and swears around our kid all the time. He's late with his support payments, and he let her walk around the Burger King bathroom WITHOUT SHOES. Now she never wants to wear shoes because "daddy doesn't make her." What can I do?!  He is such a 'P' in my 'A'! 
UGHHHH,
-Crappy Father's Day!

Hey CFD,
That sounds suspiciously like a real life problem. My advice to you would be to seek some real advice. Or, if you're hoping for some very unhelpful, silly commentary on your situation, I guess I can muster up a few things. The guy sounds lame. And super gross. And sure, you're stuck with him for awhile. But your daughter is stuck with him for a lifetime. And she's supposed to look UP to the jackwad. I guess you should just get her into a therapist asap or make sure you give her a lot of love, affirmation and boundaries so she has some sense of decency. As some comedian said, your main job is keepin' her off the pole. Bazinga.

Dear Crabby,
Did you hear about Jennifer Aniston getting engaged?!
Eeeeee!
-Theroux-ly Excited!

Welcome to Old News Town, reader...
Yes, I read about that. I have the INTERNET and a healthy obsession with her, after all. And yeah, it's exciting. Mostly, I just hope it makes everyone shut up about scraggly-beard Brad and the soul-sucking vampire mother of his million spawn babies. Anyway, I like hearing that Aniston is happy. Her hair is so shiny  and her skin looks like a cloud got a body scrub by angels using sunshine and smiles. She rules. Hope she and I have the exact same wedding dress/body.

Dear Crabby,
I just moved and ordered some monstrous piece of furniture from IKEA. It's this huge entertainment center and it looked so cute in the catalog. But now that it's here, I have NO IDEA how to put it together. I don't know anyone who can help me. Do you think it would be weird of me to put a note in the lobby of my apt. asking for help???
Thanks, 
Wanted: Stick Figure to Assemble Wood

Oh man, WSFTAW,
Assembling IKEA is like macaroni and cheese. You just take the noodles (wood parts) and put in milk (bolts) and butter (screws) and then put it all together with the cheese (the allen wrench). Voila! Listen, you don't need to advertise the fact that you can't read black and white drawings or use common sense and a single tool. Give it a shot. Have some faith that you can assemble the damn thing, because seriously? It's IKEA not NASA. You can do it. Now, if you can't LIFT it when you're done, THEN you can ask for some big, burly helpers to come by.

Okay, that does it! I buzzed through those pretty quickly so that I can have some time to get back to not getting stuff done. If I missed anything or if you think you can do better, slap your own gems of advice in the comments. Otherwise, email pharonsquare@gmail.com if you have a question for next week. If I haven't been eaten by a shark, I'll do my best to fix your life. Say word...