Anyway, so I didn't see my dad until he came home with my brothers and Geo from a long day of golf. We had some dinner and opened presents. I HATE shopping for Father's Day gifts. According to all the gift shops and card companies on the planet, all dads like to do is drink beer, golf, be disappointing in the kitchen, fish and finish home repair projects unsatisfactorily. My dad only does two of those things: fish and golf. But he's not, like, a jerk about it.
So I looked for some fishing or golfing stuff. I found a cute golf-accessories set...inside a flask. I found some fishing-themed beer glasses. A book about how lazy dads just lay around and embarrass their children. There was a grilling apron that said "I grill because I can't cook...I'm a dad." Or something similar to that. It blew. Oh, and what's up with the Gift Of Choice for the day being a SHAVING kit? WTF? How many dads do you guys know who have the time to sit in front of a mirror warming up shaving cream and groom themselves with a straight-edge razor? I don't know about you, but I know zero.
My mom has been saying for a long time that Mother's Day is all flowers and appreciation and things that smell good. Father's Day is all about making fun of dads and their substandard ways of parenting. She couldn't have been more right. If you're a dad who doesn't enjoy the great outdoors or drinking or lazying around on a golf course, you may as well get ready to receive a billion ties or paperweights for Father's Day.
Is it really too much to ask for to have some stores stock Ron Paul slippers? I know my dad would have liked those. Or one of those Keep Calm and Carry On signs that says something more like Calm down and Put Some Ice On It for the doctor dads who are sick of tending to their daughter's every medical question. Ooh! Or there could be some way of listing out - proudly - the not-so-obvious ways in which you're used your college education so he knows his money didn't go completely to waste. THOSE are the kind of gifts I'd like to give.
But no, I got my dad a grill spatula that said, cleverly, "DAD" on it. With a bottle opener on the end of it. And a fish-shaped beer koozie. He opened it and was like "Aw! Nice!" And I, feigning hope, said "You know, for the cabin? And all that beer you don't drink? I think you can also use it for pop!" I guess you can't win 'em all. I also forgot a gift bag so I had to put them all in a very girly Valentine's Day-themed gift bag. Man, I really could have used that list of ways I've used a college education...