Dear Crabby

Hello to all my favorite problem children! Let's getcha fixed up, okay?

Dear Crabby,
I'm thinking of trying to learn a new language. I'm not sure which one to choose, though! Which language do you think I should take up?
Muchas gracias and bon apetit,
Speaking the Same Language?

Hola, STSL!
That's a tough choice! Luckily, you came to the right place (I guess?). But, it depends on what you want. If you want a useful language that's facil to learn, Spanish it up! If you want a pretty language, obvs choose Italiano. Don't do French cause it sounds spitty and gaggy. For a hipster-type language, learn Swedish or Norwegian. But if you're ambitious and want to get the most bang for your buck, I would think you should go with Mandarin Chinese. Isn't that the most widely-spoken language? Yeah...but apparently it's freakin' difficult so you better be prepared! Or, if you're a redneck, just stick to speakin' Amurrrican.

Dear Crabby,
Is it really that bad for a guest to wear white to a wedding? I've had this super cute dress for months that I really want to show off. But it's a REALLY pale yellow that most people think is white. It's really adorable and I love it!! Can I wear it to a wedding this weekend?
Thank you!
Is it alwhite?

Hey there alwhite,
No you CANNOT wear a basically-white dress to a WEDDING. Are you insane? I don't care if the dress "REALLY pale yellow," either. If it looks white, you can't wear it. Don't you have any other place you can wear the dress? Would you really want to be referred to as "that insane chick who wore white to a wedding"? No. No, no, no. No white. I feel like this SHOULD go without saying, but just in case I would also avoid: Veils, a bouquet of flowers, tiaras of any kind, and any dress with a long train. Got it??

Dear Crabby,
Would you rather eat your own hair after a haircut or lick the bottom of your shoes every day?
Good luck,
Would You Rather?

WOWZA, WYR-
Talk about a brain buster! Okay, my theory is that I'd rather eat my own hair UNLESS I can buy new shoes every day. On the other hand, I'd rather lick a shoe if the hair I eat accumulates in my stomach and I'd have to continuously hack up hair balls like a cat. Then again, how many calories does hair have? Probably less than dog poop, dirt and whatever else is breeding on the undersides of my shoes. Okay, I'll go with the hair. Good question.

Okaaaaaay, that about wraps it up! Random group of questions this week! Way to keep me on my toes! Keep the questions comin' for next week! Email your questions to pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll solve any ol' problem you have. Unless it involves math.