Excite Bike

Hey kids! Let's go on a bike ride! Isn't this fun and relaxing? Look at all the pretty scenery! Aw man, we're already home? Bummer. I can't wait to go again!

Not one part of that above scenario is an accurate portrayal of my first bike ride of the year. I had the genius idea of venturing out on my first solo ride tonight. I haven't been on a bike in way too long. Two years ago, my sister Prinna and her hubby Chris gave me a brand new bike as thanks for serving as their unofficial nanny during a few rough months. I was super psyched to become a full-time biker. Before that, the last time I had been on a bike was when I did the "biking" portion of a triathalon with my sister Padrin in like 2005. It's a long story, but basically, I hadn't been on a bike in a decade. At the race, I shot outta the gates only to have the seat go KA-THUNK and fall like 3 inches. The 23 mile ride was, to say the least, hilariously difficult. And despite my best efforts to be more into biking since I got my new phat ride, it's been a loooooong time since I last rode.

From the very beginning of tonights ride, it was not good. Choosing my outfit went something like this. "Hey, let's find the biggest, baggiest pair of pants ever to camouflage my big badonkadonk. Then I'll just throw on this flowy little sweater/hoodie with no buttons/zippers/other closures." Bad idea. I had set myself up to get my pant leg caught in my little gear doohickie and also ensured my flappy sweater would create a surprisingly high amount of wind resistance.

Okay, so I have Geo haul my bike up from the basement, and I sit on it in the living room while Sanna and her friend openly laugh at me. The seat's too high. The tires are flat. I'm off balance. This does not look good.

I go outside and allegedly reinflate the tires. Oh, wait, and while all this is going on, I'm getting my ear buds all tangled up in my arm, my sweater, my handlebars, the spokes. I'm an idiot. Anyhoozle, I fill my tires and I'm off!

Whoops. Left one of the tire nozzle cover on the sidewalk. Have to go back and get it. Also, I realize I didn't REALLY fill up my front tire, so it's as flat as I was in 6th grade. Okay, fill that up. Drop iPod. Hop on bike, fall off briefly. Get back on.

Now I'm off!

Public Service Announcement: I realize that I, as a biker am not at all a car. So, I stay way off to the side on roads, if not on sidewalks. I stop completely at stop signs. I don't creep up next to cars in their blindspots at stop lights. I realize that I am much smaller than a car, and therefore much more vulnerable and if I'm not careful, I WILL get hit. I AM ON A BIKE. I MUST RESPECT THE CARS. GOT THAT, BIKERS?

Anyway, this is where it all gets blurry. I get to the Greenway bike path, where everyone and their dad is on a bike ride. And, wait, does this bike path go uphill both ways?! I'm pretty sure it does. I am the mall walker of the Greenway. I'm slow, even though I feel like I'm pedaling 100 miles an hour. I'm frequently off balance. I took one hand of the bars to adjust my flappy stupid sweater thing and pull up my right pant leg, and I almost careened off into the path and into the ditch. Children Professional Bikers were whizzing past me, leaving me in their dust. You know that scene in Clueless when Dee accidentally gets on the highway while Murray is teaching her to drive? That was me on the Greenway.

Seemingly 3 hours later, panting, sweating, legs shaking, I mercifully pulled up to my house. It was sheer adrenaline that propelled me to climb our stairs. I crashed on the couch and checked the time. That can't be right. According to our stupid clock, I was only gone for like a half hour. Maybe 45 minutes. That's...no. I refuse to believe that.

Moral of the story? The phrase "It's like riding a bike" has taken on a whole new meaning. It doesn't mean "Oh, it'll come right back to you...easy peezy." It now means "Everything that was simple as a child is very difficult as an adult."

Well, I'm hoping to get some more practice in this weekend. I really want to enjoy this weather! Alright, go out and get some fresh air, everyone!