Monday, April 18, 2011

Gimme Some Sugar

To all the ladies. I'm about to change your lives. There's nothing more boring than sitting around watching paint dry. As in: nail polish paint. Painting my fingernails usually takes like a good two hours, and I always end up with sheet marks or bubbles or I forget they're drying and I try putting my hair in a ponytail or something similarly stupid. So! Here's where the fab news comes in. Revlon Top Speed Nail Polish. Exactly 60 seconds ago, I painted my nails. Exactly one second ago they were dry. I bought the new kind on a whim in royal blue. I was all "Who would want royal blue nails for longer than a couple days anyways?!" But a week later, it was still on, still shiny, still awesome. No chipping. The point is go buy this nail polish like yesterday.

Okay, on to more pressing issues. So the woman at our front desk at work always has a little bowl of candy. I'm not a big candy person (I'd prefer a bagel to a Butterfinger any day), but every once in awhile, I need a sugar fix. So I find a reason to head down to her desk. Today I went down ready to indulge in a couple mini Twix bars, and instead found myself staring at a bowl of jelly beans. #CandyFail. Worse? They were Jelly Bellys. I don't know who likes Jelly Bellys, but nothing is more disturbing than popping a red jelly bean in your mouth and being assaulted by cinnamon instead of cherry. Or expecting lemon and getting stinky sock or something. Tricky little beans!

I'm pretty convinced - and if you disagree with me, feel free to defend your wrong alternate argument - that the only safe candy color in the world is pink (besides, of course, chocolate which is always exactly what you're expecting). You can't go wrong with pink. It's either cotton candy, bubblegum, strawberry, or something else guaranteed to be an actual treat. White could be coconut (blech!) or marshmallow. Green could be apple or lime. Orange, well, okay orange is pretty much always orange. Clever.

Where is this going, you ask? Well it's almost Easter, and there just seems to be candy everywhere, so I keep absent-mindedly shoving handfuls of sugar in my mouth and it's really starting to mess with me. As a Salty kind of gal, sugar is not exactly my go-to snack. So instead of feeling dehydrated after a salty mid-day snack, I end up feeling just like totally not full and a little on edge. [Here's another life-changing tip: Sugar does NOT make kids hyper. Scientific FACT. It's usually the event surrounding the sugar intake that gets them all spazzy and shouty - you know, Halloween, birthday parties, etc. So, yeah. Just remember that.]

But okay, so I have no one to blame but myself for the consumption of empty calories. But I stopped putting sugar (or, well Splenda) in my coffee so that counts for something, right? Wrong. I just keep replacing the fake sugar with real sugar lately. And that sugar comes in the form of marshmallow Peeps. That's right, people. I ate a marshmallow Peep today, and I LIKED IT. I got sick after one, but the crunchy sugary goodness with the ooey gooey sweetness was just what I needed. My teeth still hurt from the inevitable cavities. Whatever.

Something must have tipped off my sugar neurons. Those are real things, right? I never really cared for sugar. I mean, okay, so if someone hands me a Snickers bar I don't exactly throw it in their face. But given the option, I'd take chips over licorice anyday. This is why I don't know what's going on with my recent passion for the Peep. Is it the time of year maybe? The endless winter messing with my emotions? The fact that I'm hormonal and moody? Probably. Whatever it is, I'm ready for it to be over. The Peeps are going to give me nightmares, and I don't know how long I can hold off from blowing one up in the microwave just because. And for the sake of my teeth, my microwave and my sanity, I gotta get off the sweet stuff.

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