Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Driving Me Crazy

Roundhouse! Kick! People! I had to go to kickboxing by myself tonight, as Sanna's foot hurt and she couldn't make it. BUT! That meant some one-on-one training with scary Tony so my butt got seriously worked. However, as I mentioned, I learned to roundhouse kick. So consider this day a major success.

So I was driving home and belting out an awesome Ke$ha song in my car while weaving through traffic, and it occurred to me that I'm an excellent driver. I wear my seatbelt, I pay attention to what I'm doing, I know how to use my mirrors, I'm confident in my merging capabilities, and I understand the schematics of turning. I really am probably one of the best drivers I know. Lots of people would beg to differ with me, but those people suck. One dissenter would be Perek, who slams an imaginary brake on the passenger side every time I pull up behind a car at a deceptively high speed. Another person who might disagree with me is a boy I dated in high school who I rear-ended when we were leaving the school parking lot. But like I said, they suck.

I, like every other normal person in the world over the age of 25, got my license when I was 16. Somehow my mom got this crazy idea in her head that I was not a good first-time driver. So for like 6 months after I got my license, I could ONLY drive around our neighborhood. BORING. I lived in the suburbs, like tons of blocks away from the local Perkins, and I couldn't even drive there. But, them's the rules I guess. A couple weeks after my parents decided to let me loose on the streets of Edina, I had to call them and explain that I had rear-ended my boyfriend because I was waving at friends driving the other way. Back then, THAT was distracted driving.

Now, idiots are CONSTANTLY on the phone or texting or reading an eBook or painting their nails or whatever. I do NOT do these things. I talk on speaker. I text - if I absolutely have to - at annoyingly long stoplights. And while I DO brake for funny billboards, I keep one eye on the road at all time. Okay, so I drive a little fast and SOMEtimes I test the limits of what constitutes tailgating, but whatevs.

I know many bad drivers. People who can't, like, be ALERT enough to maneuver a 50 ton aluminum beast (that IS how heavy cars are, right?) through city streets, or people who think multi-tasking is perfectly fine as long as they keep their foot on the brake at ALL TIMES. Not me, people. I'm a great driver.

I would also like to take this opportunity to express my very sincere displeasure with the fine men and women of the police force who magically always seem to find something WRONG with my driving. Listen, my driving - much like my kickboxing - is sometimes a little too much for others to handle. Sometimes I look like I'm driving fast because you're looking slowly. Or like I'm switching lanes without using a blinker, but that's only because I forgot to turn it on. And okay, who DOESN'T slip through a stop sign every now and then? I'm a busy gal, people! I have places to be!

I haven't gotten a ticket in a long time. I'd like to think those days are behind me. But let's face it. It also helps that there's a whole new breed of horrible drivers who think texting and taking pictures and scrolling through their iPod while they drive is just like putting on their seatbelt. Idiots. But you go ahead and do your makeup while you drive. When you swerve in and out of lanes, because you poked your eyeball with your mascara wand and have to hang up your phone to deal with it, I'll be speeding by you paying 100% attention to what's going on around me. Now, you tell ME who deserves a ticket...


Grandmaman said...

Why don't people comment anymore? I enjoy the comments as much as the blog!

Pharon Square said...

I couldn't agree more, Grandmaman! What's up with that? Maybe I should write a very controversial post about, like, how people who ride their bikes on city streets deserve to get hit by a car. Or maybe why vegetarians are just wrong.

Would that encourage some no-doubt heated and hysterical commentaries?? I'm only one person, people...comments are to me what crack is to Charlie Sheen: highly appreciated, yet strangely absent as of late.