Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby,

Are you going to watch the Royal Wedding? Do you people (a.k.a. Americans) even care about it?

Love,
Her Royal Highness

Dear Her Royal Highness,
What an honor to have the Queen of England (or France or the UK or Europe or whatever…I get those all confused all the time) as a devoted blog reader! Anyway, yes, actually I AM pumped for the upcoming nuptials of a prince and his “commoner” fiancee. However, I found out today that I don’t understand time zones. I thought the whole thing, happening on FRIDAY NIGHT ENGLAND time, means that it’s happening SATURDAY MORNING AMERICA time. But no, I was wrong. It's actually airing in America on Friday MORNING, when I'll be sleeping and/or getting ready for work. Stupid prime meridian! Still, I plan on watching it after work on Friday. For some reason, we Americans really dig our Brits, no matter how bad their teeth are: Hugh Grant, Ricky Gervais, Simon Cowell, Adele, the Geico gecko guy, Madonna... We love ‘em. It’s either the accent or the snobby calmness of them that really gets me, though. So watching a typically stuffy affair where literally anything can go wrong (read: Prince Harry) to dishevel the young couple? Sign me up! Anyway, I’ll be posting all my thoughts post-wedding. Stay tuned, Your Majesty.

Dear Crabby,

I know you don't have kids of your own but you do have nieces and nephews. I'm wondering, how would you recommend that I get my two-year old to stop whining from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to bed. It's driving me insane...especially when I'm trying to read your blog!

Sincerely,
It's My Party, I Can Whine If I Want To

Dear Whiner,

Man, kids can really kill a buzz, am I right? Well, I'm no expert in child rearing (hehe), but I would assume you could just sit your toddler down and just try and reason with them. You know, make a couple pie charts to illustrate how their whining is less effective than using their words. Would that work? I mean, kids love pictures, right? I guess if that doesn't work, I'd just hide in the pantry with a glass of wine and my iPod on, blaring The Pixies. Then it's like the whining isn't really happening. Maybe he/she will get the hint then and discover their whining isn't really helping anything. Anyone hiring babysitters?

Dear Crabby,

My teenage son really wants to quit band. He is quite good but says it's too embarrassing to carry his instrument case through the hallways. I really think it's important for him to continue in band. What tactics can my husband and I use to get him to stay in band?

Sincerely,
Clara Net

Dear Clara Net,

Your son has a point. Sometimes being good at something is embarrassing. Sometimes it can really hurt your rep. God forbid you should stand out in the crowd! But as a former bandie myself, I'd suggest buying a second instrument so he can have one and home and one at school, thereby avoiding the rep-crushing experience of carrying it through the halls. Then later, he can go on to be in like Justin Bieber's backup band and who'll be laughing then? Your son, that's who. Oh, also, it would help if you don't refer to band as "character building". Focus on making it cool. It's actually pretty cool to play an instrument well. Look at Ben Folds! Sufjan Stevens! Pete Wentz! That dude who plays saxophone in Dave Matthews Band! Travis Barker! They're all bandies, yo! Go ahead and make a playlist of these awesome musicians and bump it up. Cool breeds cool. Eventually, your son will (hopefully) see these awesome musicians and decide it's not so bad to be in band. Plus, it's only like a few years, and then just remind him he can go off to college, start a band, and then just let the ladies come to him...

Dear Crabby,

My friend cheated on her boyfriend. Do I say anything?? They broke up, but I feel like he should know. What do you think??

Love,
Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned Friend,

Sorry pal, but it ain't your job. If they broke up, it's over anyways. Telling him your friend cheated on him would be like kicking a puppy right after it's been neutered. It's cruel. There's no point in it. Build a bridge and get over it.

Yowza! Another great week of questions. Keep 'em coming, guys! I've got opinions and helpful words of wisdom for daaaays! As always, you can reach me at pharonsquare@gmail.com. Good luck out there, twerps!

HEY!! P.S. Don't forget to get your swag on at The Pharon Square store! Submit your pics of you sporting your Pharon Square apparel and you could be featured on the blog! You know you've always wanted to be a famous model...