Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dear Crabby

Yay! More questions from you guys! I love this "Ask and Answer" format. It's lovely. Plus, it lets me get to know YOU guys more, which rules. Totes McGotes. Here are some more of your burning questions!

Pharon Square,

Hi. I have a question for you. Lately I've been kind of shunned by my close group of girl friends. They go out without me, they post all these inside jokes of theirs on their Facebook pages (which they know I can see), and I just don't think I've done anything wrong. Do you have any advice? The five of us have been friends since forever, and I just feel like [expletive deleted] about the whole mess. Should I confront them? What do you think?

Thanks, PS!
-Bad Female Friends?

Dear BFF,

Oh sister, preach on. I don't envy the position in which you find yourself. Sadly, I'm sure you did SOMETHING to annoy/anger/minimally negatively affect one of your friends. And just like syphilis, gossip spreads fast. So, my guess is your friends have banded together against whatever "evil" thing you did or didn't do. And when girl friends travel in packs like yours do, it's easy to get tossed aside for little or no reason. At this point, I have two suggestions. The first is to target the weakest member of your group, fill her up with booze and get her talking. Then at least you'll know and you can figure out where to go from there. My SECOND suggestion is to boldly defriend them on Facebook, and find a new batch of beyotches. Ones that don't act like 5th graders. You could waste your time working on "earning" your way back in with your OWN friends, or you could move onward and upward! I say get some new pals. OR! Wait, maybe they're planning a surprise party for you?! Is your birthday coming up? If so, wait for that. If not, kick 'em to the curb.

Hey Pharon!
Any tips for someone trying to score a raise at work??

Show Me the Money

Dear SMM,

Props to you for bring back Cuba Gooding Jr.'s one and only classic line. Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business. You want more money? Join the club. Everyone wants more money. These days, people are lucky to have JOBS. You want a raise? Consider these other ways to get more money first. 1) Start printing your own money. Wait, is that illegal? Hmm...I'll have to check on that. 2) Get a second job. Those are no fun, so maybe avoid this one if you can. Or 3) If you do, in fact, deserve a raise - prove it. Then ask for it. I think that's how it works. It makes sense, doesn't it? If all those things fail, I suggest finding someone rich to date. Sure, it's shallow, but how else are you going to buy a new car? Cash in your 401(K)? Now that's silly.

What's up Pharon Square!

My girlfriend is doing the whole "ultimatum" thing. Either we move in together, or break up. I don't see how that's an effective bargaining tool, but she's pretty set on it. It's not that I'm not psyched about the idea, but being bullied into it seems cheap. From reading this blog, I feel like you'll be on the same page as me. Help a guy out!

Guy Who Can't Come Up With a Clever Name

Dear Guy,

Can I call you Guy? Great. Thanks. I totally see where you're coming from. Moving in together is a huge step that shouldn't be taken lightly. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I bypassed that step altogether by simply starting to date someone I was already living with. Cut out the middle man, you know? I'm nothing if not efficient. As it is, though, you cannot enjoy the same luxury. I don't particularly like the ultimatum concept, personally. Typically, it pits one horrible solution against another and it's no fun. But it can be an effective bargaining tool. I know people who have ultimatum'd their way into some pretty awesome things (marriage, second dates, killer discounts at AT&T). Some guys/girls just need a little push sometimes. In this case, though, I wouldn't consider this a "little push". It's more like a violent shove off the side of a cliff. But it also sounds like she's frustrated. I suggest figuring out what it is she REALLY is asking. To move forward? To get closer? To live with a guy who will protect her from the creepy homeless man who follows her home every night begging for a date and/or juicebox? Figure that out, and you'll be more in tune with her intentions. Then figure THOSE out, and make a choice. Then give HER an ultimatum: No more ultimatums, or you'll start peeing in her shampoo bottle.

Dear Pharon Square,

What's with all the crazy people these days?!?! Know what I mean?!?!?!

Cray Cray Go Away

Dear Cray Cray,

Um, what? That doesn't really seem like a real question. In fact, I suspect that you yourself may be one of the "crazy people" of whom you speak. Did I miss something? Did you accidentally send the email before you actually finished it? Are you taking your meds correctly? Uh, yeah. So I guess my answer is "no". No, I don't know what you mean. Crazy can mean so many things, so I don't even know where to start. Consider revising your question and resend, though. I'd love to hear more from you. You sound fun.

Yay! Guys, this was fun! You know the drill...ask me anything that's on YOUR mind, and I'll give you a piece of MINE! Email me at, or if you prefer to remain anonymous - even from me - post a comment here!

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