Dear Crabby

Your questions, my answers! Good questions, this week guys! A couple of these were tough! I hope I did them justice!

Dear Crabby,

You have LOST Season 37 on DVD but no DVD player, a bottle of Fess Parker's 2008 Pinot Noir but no corkscrew, and a pack of cigarettes but no lighter. It's raining out. What do you do?

Hugs and kisses,
MacGuyer

Dear MacGuyver,
Number one, how did you get Lost season 37? I’m intrigued as I have only seen (and drooled over) seasons 1 – 6 which I was led to believe were all that existed. Tell me more. Okay, let’s see here. It sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle. Here’s what I’d do: Shove the cork into the bottle and begin enjoying the wine irresponsibly and quickly. Then I'd take the cigarettes and head to the black market part of town (I'll have the guts to go there alone because of all the wine, obvs). I'll tell a guy the cigarettes are made out of all kinds of illegal narcotics so as to up the street value. Then I can trade them for a DVD player with the registration number scratched off. Go back home, watch the movies. Duh!

Dear Crabby,

I've got a big first date coming up this weekend. What do I wear???

Thanks!
-Nervous is Nebraska

What's up, Nervous? First of all, you gotta calm down. Dressing for a first date is SOOOOO easy! Assuming you are a GIRL, just wear dark jeans, black shirt, colorful high heels, hair down. Done. Unless you wanna be a little more, uh aggressive. If that's the case, change the jeans to a short skirt. If you're trying to GIVE the milk away, keep everything but the black shirt, which you should just leave at home I guess. Now, you could always go the LBD (Little Black Dress) route, but it depends on what you're doing on your date. If you're going rock climbing, or horseback riding, or going to like Applebees, I'd skip the dress route. Then again, maybe you should just wear whatever makes you comfortable. Oooh, or you could do leggings with a cute t-shirt dress with a belt and some bomb heeled boots, with your hair all wavy and like slept-in. Then again, maybe stick with jeans but do a funky t-shirt and lots of fun jewelry. Oh boy, Nervous. I don't know. Turns out, this is a very difficult decision. It's just really important to give the best possible first-impression, without looking like you're trying too hard, but you also want to let him know you care about your looks. Crap, now I'M nervous for you. Yikes. You better get started on going through all your clothes. Good luck, lady. You're going to need it.

Dear Crabby,

What do you do when you are feeling crabby? I got the crabbys...

Signed,
Itchy in Rhode Island

Dear Itchy in Rhode Island,
I believe there’s a special shampoo for those pesky crabs. Or you could just shave off all your hair. Either way: Ew.

How'd I do this week? Good stuff? Think you could do better? Jot down any other pieces of advice you may have down there in the comments. Good luck, though, I'm pretty sure my answers are the best ones ever. If you find yourself with a burning question, email me at pharonsquare@gmail.com.