Dear Crabby

Your questions, my answers! Good questions, this week guys! A couple of these were tough! I hope I did them justice!

Dear Crabby,

You have LOST Season 37 on DVD but no DVD player, a bottle of Fess Parker's 2008 Pinot Noir but no corkscrew, and a pack of cigarettes but no lighter. It's raining out. What do you do?

Hugs and kisses,
MacGuyer

Dear MacGuyver,
Number one, how did you get Lost season 37? I’m intrigued as I have only seen (and drooled over) seasons 1 – 6 which I was led to believe were all that existed. Tell me more. Okay, let’s see here. It sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle. Here’s what I’d do: Shove the cork into the bottle and begin enjoying the wine irresponsibly and quickly. Then I'd take the cigarettes and head to the black market part of town (I'll have the guts to go there alone because of all the wine, obvs). I'll tell a guy the cigarettes are made out of all kinds of illegal narcotics so as to up the street value. Then I can trade them for a DVD player with the registration number scratched off. Go back home, watch the movies. Duh!

Dear Crabby,

I've got a big first date coming up this weekend. What do I wear???

Thanks!
-Nervous is Nebraska

What's up, Nervous? First of all, you gotta calm down. Dressing for a first date is SOOOOO easy! Assuming you are a GIRL, just wear dark jeans, black shirt, colorful high heels, hair down. Done. Unless you wanna be a little more, uh aggressive. If that's the case, change the jeans to a short skirt. If you're trying to GIVE the milk away, keep everything but the black shirt, which you should just leave at home I guess. Now, you could always go the LBD (Little Black Dress) route, but it depends on what you're doing on your date. If you're going rock climbing, or horseback riding, or going to like Applebees, I'd skip the dress route. Then again, maybe you should just wear whatever makes you comfortable. Oooh, or you could do leggings with a cute t-shirt dress with a belt and some bomb heeled boots, with your hair all wavy and like slept-in. Then again, maybe stick with jeans but do a funky t-shirt and lots of fun jewelry. Oh boy, Nervous. I don't know. Turns out, this is a very difficult decision. It's just really important to give the best possible first-impression, without looking like you're trying too hard, but you also want to let him know you care about your looks. Crap, now I'M nervous for you. Yikes. You better get started on going through all your clothes. Good luck, lady. You're going to need it.

Dear Crabby,

What do you do when you are feeling crabby? I got the crabbys...

Signed,
Itchy in Rhode Island

Dear Itchy in Rhode Island,
I believe there’s a special shampoo for those pesky crabs. Or you could just shave off all your hair. Either way: Ew.

How'd I do this week? Good stuff? Think you could do better? Jot down any other pieces of advice you may have down there in the comments. Good luck, though, I'm pretty sure my answers are the best ones ever. If you find yourself with a burning question, email me at pharonsquare@gmail.com.

Dear Crabby

Well, no rest for the wise and all-knowing, I guess! Here are a few more responses to your burning questions!

Hi,

I was searching online to find more info about massage therapy and I came across your information.
Can you tell me, are you still involved with massage therapy services? If you are, how are things going for you?
Please let me know as I may be able to help you get a lot more customers in a very short period of time.

Sincerely,
Chris

Dear “Chris”,
Thanks for your spam inquiry. Okay, I am still involved with massage therapy services. And by “am still involved” I, of course, mean “have never been involved”. I once got a gift certificate for a massage at a fancy spa place from an old boyfriend. I hated it, if I’m being honest with you, Chris. I spent the whole time praying the woman wouldn’t touch my feet and feeling bad for her as she kneaded my back fat. So, Chris, things are really NOT going anywhere with my massage therapy information you apparently found somewhere. But hey! Thanks for promising to get me more customers to my non-existent business! Let me know how that works for you…

Pharon Square,
Have you ever used something like Proactiv? I’m a 25 year-old girl who hates breaking out, but I don’t know if I should go to such extreme measures as ordering something the TV tells me to order.
Thanks!
-Good Skin to Win

Dear Good Skin to Win,
I am currently suffering through an odd phase of Post Adolescent Adolescence in terms of complexion. Last night, I had broken out on my cheek so quickly that I convinced myself I had the mumps. So, I’m not your go-to gal for this one. Yes, I tried Proactiv once in my early twenties, mostly because I loved Jessica Simpson, and happily did anything SHE told me to do (Note: I usually follow any advice given to me by the TV. It’s almost never steered me wrong, so I wouldn’t call listening to TV’s advice “extreme”). Two weeks later, my face was all red and itchy and, well, SO not Jessica Simpson-y. I cancelled the auto-refilling nightmare post haste. Blech. I don’t know WHAT you should do, GSW. I’m the kind of girl who will have blemishes until the day AFTER I start getting wrinkles. So if YOU find a solution, let ME know.

Dear PharonSquare,
I really want to make the most out of this Spring and Summer. Every winter I swear I'll do more fun things outside but then I get lazy and sweaty and before you know it, it's snowing again. Any tips on how to stay active and entertained with the good weather that is upon our doorstep?
Signed,
Waitin' For Spring

Dear Waitin’ for Spring,

I’m with you. I’m lazy and I hate being sweaty. That said, Spring and Summer are awesome times of year to camouflage that lazy/sweaty thing. My most important tip is to get a hammock. You can enjoy the weather while lying down and/or napping in the middle of the day. But because you’re on a HAMMOCK, no one can say squat about it. Secondly? There are lots of ways to hang out outside while also enjoying cocktails, so that’s definitely a way to get me off the couch. I suggest doing activities that combine those two things. Activities like: Golfing, happy hours, going to the park with your kids, BBQs at a lake, walking to the bar, rollerblading, reading on your hammock, going to the Farmer's Market (put a margarita in your travel mug and the Farmer's Market will turn into a Mercado Fiesta!), or just laying out catching some rays. Summer is pretty much the only time people make PLANS to go LAY DOWN, so I like to take advantage of that. As long as you try and do one of those things almost every day, you'll feel great!

Listen, people, I know you guys has some burning questions. I know you have problems, because you tell them to me all the time on the phone, or on gchat, or you post incessantly about your problemos on Facebook. So, make it easier on yourself (and all your friends) and shoot me an email at pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll fix your problem, no charge. Unless it's like a crazy-weird problem. Then it's like $0.50 cents a sentence.

Dear Crabby

Alright guys, you asked for it, I’m bringin’ it. Here are more helpful answers to your questions.

Dear Pharon Square:

I've been friends with this chick for a really long time and she is super afraid to get pedicures. Problem is, I love pedicures. In fact, it is one of my favorite past times. Hanging out, getting pedicures, maybe singing a little karaoke and sometimes drinking at the nail place. Should I continue this friendship despite such obvious differences?

Sincerely,

Pedi pal

Dear Pedi Pal,

Sounds to me like your friend has a totally natural aversion to having her feet man-handled and scrubbed until they’re sore by shockingly petite women. Despite your obvious love for said “past time”, I encourage you to kindly step off your high horse and plant your pedi’d feet firmly of Friendship Ground. Okay, so you and your friend don’t see eye-to-eye on YOUR favorite things. Do YOU go to her place and play Xbox Kinect for hours (er, or some similar activity) even if it’s not exactly on your Favorite Things To Do list? I tend to doubt it. Your poor pal! I would venture to guess that’s she has accompanied you on these ped-excursions more than once, and has even attempted to ENJOY having someone tend to her feet like a doctor to liposuction (seriously, if you’ve ever seen this procedure done, you know what I’m talking about) despite my her obvious discomfort and anxiety. My suggestion to you, Pedi Pal is to dive head first into one of HER hobbies and get a little taste for how she feels. Should you continue this friendship? I think the question here, lady, is should SHE continue the friendship? Because she’s obviously a kind, compassionate and forgiving friend, I would guess that as long as you stop making me her go to Goddess Nails, she’s definitely a friend worth keeping.

Love,
Pharon Square


Dear Pharon Square,

What are your thoughts on the situation in Libya, and how do you feel about our country’s current level of involvement?

Thank you,
Politic Chick

Dear Politic Chick,

Who invited you to this party? ‘Cause you’re kind of bringin’ it down. My thoughts on the situation in Libya? I don’t know, it sucks, I guess? Or it’s awesome? I don’t know. I’m more concerned with our country’s current level of involvement in whether or not there will be an NFL season this fall. Sheesh.

Dear Pharon Square,

I should probably start by saying I'm a guy. Sorry. But I enjoy your blog very much, and I realize I'm probably walking into dangerous territory here, but I'd like an honest opinion. I've been watching the show Mad Men a lot, and I've kind of gotten into that whole male-dominated environment. It just looks like it was SO much better back in the 60's. But I think it's having a negative impact on the way in which I interact with women. The whole "men in power" concept is, to be honest, intriguing. I'd like to know how far off base I am in envying that time period. Thoughts?

Thanks, and I'm ready for the worst.
-Pretty Interested in Genre HBO Entertainment And Don Draper


Dear PIGHEADD,

Thanks for your bravery. It takes a certain, um, man(?) to admit these kinds of thoughts. That being said, I'd like you to briefly remove your head from your hindquarters so you can hear me a little better. You Are Not Don Draper. If you were, you wouldn't make it 2 days in the current decade. You want to sit and drink scotch all day while you work and then maybe stop off for a quickie with your mistress before heading home to your wife and kids? Well, fine, Mr. Draper, go right ahead. Here's the downside, which I think you're failing to see. One: This is 2011, and syphilis is everywhere. Good luck with that. Second: If you want that life, you're not allowed to go shoe shopping or listen to Coldplay or wear any pink or drink light beer or talk to your mother, because Don Draper doesn't do that kind of "girlie" stuff. Finally: You must be prepared to suffer an inevitable mental breakdown because you won't be allowed to talk openly about any emotion besides "hungry". Good luck with that, too. Are your current relationships with women REALLY THAT DIFFICULT for you? Do you REALLY want them to never speak up or go after what they want? Do you REALLY think that women are better seen than heard? If that's truly the case, then you need therapy. Big time. Women are better than we've ever been. We're smart, hilarious, interesting, and fun, not to mention completely capable of cleaning and cooking just like your precious little Betty Draper (plus, um, don't they get DIVORCED?!) So if YOU can't handle the heat, PIGHEADD, perhaps you should consider getting out of our kitchen.

XOXOXOXOX,
Pharon Square

Okay, I'm beat. All that doling out of totally awesome advice really takes it out of a girl. Shall we say same time next week? Okay. Well, then you'd better send any questions my way at pharonsquare@gmail.com.

Dear Crabby

I've gotten a lot of really awesome questions lately. I've reworked them and offered my two cents, whether they like it or not. Have a question? I've def got the answers!

Dear Pharon Square,

I have a coworker who has this habit of petting my hair. She'll come up to my desk, or while I'm talking to someone else and just pet my hair. I spend a lot of time washing and drying my hair every day, so there's no need for her to man-handle my dome. I feel like a monkey getting the once-over from a beau monkey. Any tips to get this girl off my proverbial back?

Sincerely,
Picked On

Dear Picked On,

Gross. That's gnarly. Based on my conversations with a few friends, though, it sounds like it's a pretty common problem. My question is: Who raised these people who think it's all good to get all up people's business? Guh! Anyway, you're correct to feel uncomfortable. This person is not right. I think, though, it's not necessarily worth a big ol' discussion with the offender. You don't need to have a whole sit-down and discuss your boundaries with her, because it's not like she's your pal. No. Instead, maybe just karate chop her hand the next time she gets anywhere near your head. When she coils back like a snake, apologize, and say "Sorry, I've been really involved in Mixed Martial Arts lately, and sometimes, my muscles just have minds of their own." Then shrug your shoulders and walk away. Smiling. She'll never touch your head again.

Dear Pharon Square,

So, I'm a teen mom. I've been struggling with my baby's father to keep up with his child support, because he's all "I spent it all on a tattoo of a can of PBR on my bicep." How can I work things out with him so that we can provide a loving, safe environment for our child?"

XOXOXO,
Teen Mom

Dear Teen Mom,

Step One: Purchase Time Machine. Step Two: Develop some common sense. Step Three: Avoid this entire situation. No access to a time machine? Okay, Plan B. Contact MTV immediately. They thrive on teen drama.

Dear Pharon Square,

My boyfriend is driving me nutso! He plays video games all the time, and never wants to do things I want to do, like go to museums or have long walks on the beach. How can I tell him that spending time alone with me is just as fun as shooting fake people on a video game???????

Thanks,
Girlfriend Who Wants More Cuddling Time

Dear GWWMCT,

First of all, let me start by saying that video games are built into a guys DNA. Don't fight it. Embrace it. Maybe learn how to play the game, and then his fun hobby turns into YOUR fun hobby. Admittedly, playing a shooter game is not very fun unless you have hours of time on your hands with which to waste learning how to move two doo-hickeys at the same time just to move your video guy forward. But trying to learn says a lot. It says "This little habit of yours isn't the saddest thing ever". Plus? Talking on the headset thingamabob is really fun. No other guy who is playing the game is ever expecting to hear a girl's voice, so you can have lots of fun messing with them. That being said, if the alternative to playing video games is a museum? Thanks, but no thanks. Think of something more fun.

Dear Pharon Square,

No matter how much I scrub my dishes and pots and pans, they're always dull and gross. I feel like they're never quite clean. They get spots and little marks all over. Is there a product you recommend to get rid of the spots? Or should I be using a different technique? What can I do?

Love always,
OCD in NYC

Dear OCD,

Throw all your dishes away. Start fresh.

Do you guys have a question for Pharon Square? Go ahead and send your problemos to pharonsquare@gmail.com. I've got an opinion on everything, so chances are, I will either hate or love your question. Care to take a chance?

Story of a Lifetime WINNER!

Well, I've FINALLY chosen my Story of a Lifetime winner! Thanks so much for all the great submissions (Kim told me her friend Gretchen and her family turned the whole thing into something of a drinking game, which I not only support, I would like to be involved in next time. Call me.) Thanks for all the awesome stories! I laughed, I cried, I ate snacks. But big ups to Liz, Robin and Jessica all from Minnesota for submitting this awesomely cheesy, chock full of Lifetimey goodness!! So, coming soon to Lifetime TV: AMNESIA MOM.

Setting: Minneapolis and South Dakota (Mount Rushmore Area), circa 2010
Characters: Voey (rhymes with Zoe, also we think this will be a hot baby name in 2011 upon the release of this film), a sassy teenager who is suffering from a mysterious nose ring infection that just wont go away. Vanessa, Voey’s "mother" who has an evil way about her. She is hiding the true secret of Voey’s “medical condition” and their true relationship. Violet, Vanessa’s beautiful and kind twin sister born 2 seconds earlier who is currently living with amnesia in South Dakota, following a car accident 15 years earlier that left her with no memory of who she is or any details of her life. She has been working as a waitress to pay off her medial bills. Recently, Violet has been having re-occurring dreams of having a teenage daughter with a rare disease.

Synopsis: Story opens on a car, after it has flipped three times and sits in ditch off dark highway. Violet’s bloody hand reaches out and attempts to wave for help before giving up and falling to her side. She looks at her husband in the passenger seat. Is he dead? She looks behind her at her infant in the back. Is she dead? Feeling certain unconsciousness setting in, Violet focuses all of her remaining strength to look in the rearview mirror at her infant daughter, Voey, strapped in a car seat. She then sees another face staring back at her in the mirror. Is it her own face in the mirror? Where are the wounds that her face surely has after such a horrific car accident? “It can’t be my own reflection,” Violet thought. Could it be… her evil twin sister, Vanessa? Violet watches helplessly as the mysterious stranger in the back unstraps baby Voey and kidnaps her. She tries desperately to scream but only a weak whisper comes out. “Vanessa….” Just then, Violet passes into unconsciousness, never again to remember what she had just experienced.

Cue opening credits…

*** Sixteen Years Later*** A young girl, age sixteen, named Voey is suffering from what she believes is just a sudden nasty nose ring infection. But her doctor and her “mother” Vanessa are being quite secretive about the diagnosis. Fed up with being kept in the dark by her mother (Voey has always sensed an evilness about her) she decides to take matters into her own hands and tears through her mother’s office. She finds a thin accordion file with “Voey” scratched across the top in thick marker. She rips it open and finds only a few pictures from recent years. "Why aren’t there any pictures of me as a baby?" she wonders. She digs a little deeper through boring crap: her first tooth that she lost, a postcard that she sent from summer camp, a receipt for her bike. “Where are all of my important documents? No birth certificate, no social security card?” At the bottom of the file she spots a small blue post-it with the phrase Endomisitisis Psychoeroticitis neatly printed on it. A quick iPhone search (movie to be sponsored by Apple…lots of product plugs periodically) reveals that Endomisitisis Psychoeroticitis, MSP for short, is a rare disease that can only be passed from mother to daughter. MSP causes ugly, hideous, grotesque cancerous spots on your nose and can only be cured by mixing the biological mothers blood with the daughter’s blood. Mixed blood transfusion MUST occur immediately as patients will die within 72 hours of first outbreak without it.

Voey suddenly feels weak. She touches her nose ring. It’s not an infection at all, is it? She runs over to the family Mac (Apple product plug #2) and pulls up the calendar. Her nose has been infected for 2 days. That only leaves her…24 hours to find antidote!!!! Panicked, Voey looks back at the blue post-it. There is something written on the back: MOTHER NOT A MATCH. Zoey vomits. “My mother…isn’t my mother?!?!” she gasps, “I was kidnapped!!!!” Realization hits Voey just as she faints. While unconscious, she has the same dream that her REAL mother, Amesia Mom Violet, has been having for several months. It’s suddenly clear to both of them. They MUST meet and combine their blood to make an antidote! It must be now. And it must be at Mount Rushmore!

Montage of Voey and Violet each rushing to Mount Rushmore. Flash to evil Vanessa arriving home, finding her trashed office and realizing that Voey has learned the truth. She sets out after Voey to prevent her and Violet from meeting and discovering that SHE caused the car crash in the first place. It was all an evil plot of Vanessa’s to steal her sisters baby after learning that she could never have a child of her own. After all, Violet always had the perfect life, she was prettier and more popular with woodland creatures than Vanessa. She had the perfect job and perfect husband. She was the good twin, and Vanessa got all of the “left over” genes. Evil Vanessa wanted Violet to know the pain Vanessa had felt her whole life.

Movie climaxes with all three characters meeting on the nose of Abraham Lincoln. There is a struggle and evil Vanessa falls and is dangling off the tip of nose. Violet and Voey consider letting her fall to her death as they piece together all of the years of torture that Vanessa has put them through. Just then a handsome doctor comes swinging across Washington’s eyebrows. “Stop!” he shouts, “You have to combine your blood and make the antidote now!!” The handsome doctor whips out a petri dish, mixes up antidote and injects Voey. The color suddenly returns to her cheeks and the heinous, gaping sores in her nose begin to heal instantly. Violet walks over to her sister still dangling off the tip of Lincoln’s nose. It's just not in her kind nature to let her sister fall to her death, even if Vanessa was the one who orchestrated a car crash, killing Violet’s husband, leaving her with amnesia while Vanessa kidnapped her only child and fully intended on letting that child die of a rare cancerous nose blister disease all to keep her own past deeds a secret. She pulls her sister to safety and they embrace. Evil murderous plan be dammed. Sisterly love always triumphs.

Fade to last shot of Violet, Vanessa and Voey sharing a picnic in a meadow and swapping stories of the years that they missed of each others lives. Voey’s nose is completely healed and she is carrying an iPad (Apple plug #3). The handsom doctor is waiting in the car for the ladies to finish lunch. He and Violet have fallen in love and are planning a fall wedding. As the screen fades to black, the camera closes in on Vanessa’s face. We see an evil look flash across her eyes as she looks over at the handsom doctor’s car. She glances back to Violet and we see the slight snarling of Vanessa’s lips. Maybe there is still evil jealousy in her after all. Fade all the way to black. Leave open ended for potential sequel.

Roll credits.

Casting-wise we are thinking former Melrose Place actress Daphne Zuniga in the roles of Violet/Vanessa and Selena Gomez as Voey.

Here are photos of us working on original storyboard, as proof that this story is an original:


Congratulations, ladies! Thanks for this awesome story! When you get your shirt, post a photo on the Pharon Square Facebook Page and make all your friends jealous!!

Quick Reminder / Nag-a-thon

Hey guys, I just wanted to give you a quick, and FINAL, reminder that I'll finally be choosing my Lifetime/Cheesy Movie Premise winner this weekend! Get your submissions in for your chance to be have the story published on pharonsquare.com AND a radical Pharon Square t-shirt!

Methods of Submission: Your best bet is to email your synopsis/outline/etchings/summary/one-liners to me at pharonsquare@gmail.com. I guess you could also POST it on the Pharon Square Fan Page on Facebook (which you BETTER be a Fan of, or I'll sneak into your house and rearrange all your cupboards, making you think you've gone insane, thereby catapulting you into a long, slow descent towards a massive psychotic break), but that could give away your bomb ideas.

Deadline: I'll be choosing the winner this weekend. If you're a rebel/outlaw, you could wait until Sunday night to submit, but that could be too late. If you want to play it safe, I'd send it in before then. Either way, I'm too flaky to give a specific time, so hedge your bets and get 'em in early.

Good luck!