Last week on Story Hour: Louann has finally left the island and, under the cover of night, escaped to an abandoned warehouse on the mainland. She has a box of papers she managed to steal from her father’s boat. The documents include bank statements as well as her mother’s will which apparently writes out a horrible secret. Xavier is dead, though we don’t know why, and Louann’s parents don’t seem to give two hoots that Louann has been gone for four nights. Suddenly the cops show up to Louann’s parents house, alluding to the fact that Louann is not just missing: She could be in DANGER. Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn!
Lou and Ann sat with the police officers as they all sipped on the lukewarm coffee the maid had made earlier in the morning. The bigger guy, Officer Leroy, spoke first. “Ma’am, I don’t think you understand just what kind of danger she may be caught up in. She's gotten mixed up with some bad dudes. One of whom was shot dead on a boat belonging to you, Mr. Lou Reynolds.”
Lou choked on his coffee. “On...MY boat? I haven’t heard of any troubles at the yacht and we were just there a few nights ago. You’ve got some bunk info there, man.” The smaller officer, Officer Tomcat (yeah, I don’t know) continued, “I assure you, sir, our info is, eh hem, bunkless. A man was fatally shot on your boat. Come to think of it, you should probably have been contacted awhile ago and also maybe questioned, but clearly we overlooked that detail. Anyhoozle, the man’s name was Xavier.”
Ann suddenly gasped. “Xavier?? Is, he’s, wait. He’s dead? Are you sure? He just CAN’T be dead! Oh my poor Xavier! How I loved you!” Ann sobbed, the mascara dripping down her face like cobwebs. Everyone around her stayed silent.
Ann dramatically stood up and went to the window. Unprovoked, she began waxing nostalgic about her relationship her daughter’s friend. “Oh Xavier. How I loved him! He played hard-to-get with me, but I knew he’d be mine. I knew he’d fall in love with me once we were alone. That’s why I hired him to kill my husband.”
Lou frowned.
She continued, “Xavier was to come to the yacht while we were on our date and shoot Lou. Then we were to be alone together with all of Lou’s money!” She collapsed to the ground and sobbed, “But he never came! He NEVER CAME!”
Back in the warehouse, Louann was ready to set her box of papers on fire. She read her mother’s will one more time before tossing it into the flames. In it, Ann confessed that Louann was not Lou’s real daughter, and therefore deserved none of his inheritance. So if Ann dies, so do Louann’s chances at her father’s money. That’s why it was imperative for Louann to get the box that night on the yacht. She too had hired Xavier to kill someone. Her parents. Then all their money would be hers and hers alone. She would run off and live happily ever after.
But Xavier was late that night on the boat. He knew Ann wanted him to kill Lou, and he knew Louann wanted him to kill both her parents. He was confused and fell asleep. When he woke up, he sprinted to the yacht. He hadn’t decided who to kill yet, so he thought he’d just wing it. When he got there, Lou and Ann had long since gone home. He found Louann, rummaging through a box of papers. He scared her and she screamed. Xavier was both frightened and still a little bit sleepy and he reflexively shot the gun.
The bullet ricocheted around the boat. He started crying. “I don’t know what to do, Louann! First your mom wants me to kill your dad, and then you want me to kill both your parents…and you didn’t even pay me as much as your mother did!” Suddenly he composed himself. Remembering the money Louann shorted him, he held the gun at Louann’s head.
A fight broke out, with both Louann and Xavier reaching for the gun. Louann’s manicured fingers finally got a hold of the gun. She pointed it at Xavier and squeezed. He fell to the ground, and she fled for the island.
In the end, no one would be arrested for the murder of Xavier. In fact, the cops were relieved that Xavier, who had been behind many murder-for-hire cases, was finally out of the picture. As for Lou and Ann? They stayed together. Oddly enough, the excitement of everything rekindled the ol’ flame. Louann returned home to her parents house for a short time. Then, with the help of all the money she made from her Bra Brace invention she had Macgyver’d on the island, she moved out for good and went searching for her real father.
The. End.
Showing posts with label Story Hour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Story Hour. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Story Hour! Part Four
Last week on Story Hour: Louann is still stranded on the island because she broke her own leg and is an idiot. We find out that Louann and Xavier were in cahoots to do something bad, and also Louann hates her parents but she had suspiciously - and not so subtly - planned a romantic evening for them on her father's yacht, and she gave her father's gun to Xavier, along with some of the money she owes him. Okay, moving on:
Louann had no idea how long she had been asleep on her yoga mat on the island. A day? Two days? It had to have been quite a long time, because her skin smelled like fried chicken. She had passed out in the sun, and quickly realized what a spectacular tan she’d have when this was all over. Melanoma be damned! She winced at the pain of her broken leg, but was able to finally stand up. The lake around her was silent. How no one saw her escape her parents boat on the dinghy would remain a mystery to her. Louann looked at her infected leg. It was pretty gross. Suddenly she was overwhelmed by a craving for Taco Bell. “I have to get off this island,” she thought as she tied her long, gnarly hair into a ponytail. She decided she would paddle back to the main land after dark, because she would be way too embarrassed to run in to someone she knew in her current state. Oh, yeah, and also the police were probably still looking for her.
As the sun set, Louann gingerly hopped into her boat and started paddling back across the huge lake. It would take hours to make the trip. Halfway across the lake, Louann took a break and set down the paddle. She started thumbing through the box of files she had stashed in the boat. Her bank records showing a $0.16 balance, the receipts from all the withdrawals Louann had made from her mother's "rainy day" accounts with forged signatures, and, of course, her mother's Will with the damning evidence written in black and white. She tucked all the papers back in the box and rowed harder than ever.
Louann's mother was no saint. She was, in fact, kind of skanky. Ann had cheated on Lou many times in the course of their marriage. Sometimes it was a tawdry affair with the acne-scarred boy at the grocery store, sometimes it was as cliche as a quickie in the pool shed with Ricardo. But Lou had never caught on. He was brilliant in his job, but when it came to Ann, he was an idiot. He figured he was the only one who could ever love Ann, you know, looking the way she did. Ann had to wear an eyepatch to hide her horribly disfigured right eye and had one leg that was much longer than the other (4 3/4 inches). Yet she still managed to attract men with low self-esteems and very specific turn-ons. For the entirety of their marriage, Ann had cheated on Lou at every chance she got. And one of those times was 19 years and 9 months ago. Louann's 20th birthday was next week.
When Louann felt the bottom of her boat skidding along the rocky sand of the shore, she stared into the pitch black night. No sirens. No police lights. She picked up her box and started running as fast as she could. The abandoned warehouse she had seen on her way to her parents yacht a few nights ago stood in the distance. She ducked under bushes and rusty fence posts whenever headlights peaked over the hill on the busy street separating her from her safehouse. Finally she heaved open a heavy wooden door that led to a machine-y type room in the warehouse. She set the box down and immediately collapsed to the ground. She'd sleep here during the day and then plan her next move. First though, she picked up a discarded piece of sandpaper and went to work fixing up her broken, brittle finger nails. A girl's got priorities.
Back at her parent's house, Lou and Ann had finally started to wonder where their good-for-nothing daughter was. Lou needed her help changing his ringtone on his phone from Ascending Chimes to Starlight, and Ann was sure Louann had hidden her strawberry gin somewhere and she needed it. Even on the worst weekends, Louann never stayed away from the house for more than a couple nights before coming home and getting money or clothes. It had been 4 nights since either one of them had seen Louann. Lou started to call Louann's cell phone when someone suddenly banged on their front door.
Ann opened the door and was delighted to see two strapping young police officers who tipped their cute little hats in her direction. "Oh my, can I help you officers?" She batted her one good eyelash and stood up straight on her one tall leg. "Mrs. Reynolds?" the first officer asked. She batted her eyelash affirmatively. "We're actually, uh, looking for your daughter, Louann. We think she's involved in a very dangerous situation."
Louann had no idea how long she had been asleep on her yoga mat on the island. A day? Two days? It had to have been quite a long time, because her skin smelled like fried chicken. She had passed out in the sun, and quickly realized what a spectacular tan she’d have when this was all over. Melanoma be damned! She winced at the pain of her broken leg, but was able to finally stand up. The lake around her was silent. How no one saw her escape her parents boat on the dinghy would remain a mystery to her. Louann looked at her infected leg. It was pretty gross. Suddenly she was overwhelmed by a craving for Taco Bell. “I have to get off this island,” she thought as she tied her long, gnarly hair into a ponytail. She decided she would paddle back to the main land after dark, because she would be way too embarrassed to run in to someone she knew in her current state. Oh, yeah, and also the police were probably still looking for her.
As the sun set, Louann gingerly hopped into her boat and started paddling back across the huge lake. It would take hours to make the trip. Halfway across the lake, Louann took a break and set down the paddle. She started thumbing through the box of files she had stashed in the boat. Her bank records showing a $0.16 balance, the receipts from all the withdrawals Louann had made from her mother's "rainy day" accounts with forged signatures, and, of course, her mother's Will with the damning evidence written in black and white. She tucked all the papers back in the box and rowed harder than ever.
Louann's mother was no saint. She was, in fact, kind of skanky. Ann had cheated on Lou many times in the course of their marriage. Sometimes it was a tawdry affair with the acne-scarred boy at the grocery store, sometimes it was as cliche as a quickie in the pool shed with Ricardo. But Lou had never caught on. He was brilliant in his job, but when it came to Ann, he was an idiot. He figured he was the only one who could ever love Ann, you know, looking the way she did. Ann had to wear an eyepatch to hide her horribly disfigured right eye and had one leg that was much longer than the other (4 3/4 inches). Yet she still managed to attract men with low self-esteems and very specific turn-ons. For the entirety of their marriage, Ann had cheated on Lou at every chance she got. And one of those times was 19 years and 9 months ago. Louann's 20th birthday was next week.
When Louann felt the bottom of her boat skidding along the rocky sand of the shore, she stared into the pitch black night. No sirens. No police lights. She picked up her box and started running as fast as she could. The abandoned warehouse she had seen on her way to her parents yacht a few nights ago stood in the distance. She ducked under bushes and rusty fence posts whenever headlights peaked over the hill on the busy street separating her from her safehouse. Finally she heaved open a heavy wooden door that led to a machine-y type room in the warehouse. She set the box down and immediately collapsed to the ground. She'd sleep here during the day and then plan her next move. First though, she picked up a discarded piece of sandpaper and went to work fixing up her broken, brittle finger nails. A girl's got priorities.
Back at her parent's house, Lou and Ann had finally started to wonder where their good-for-nothing daughter was. Lou needed her help changing his ringtone on his phone from Ascending Chimes to Starlight, and Ann was sure Louann had hidden her strawberry gin somewhere and she needed it. Even on the worst weekends, Louann never stayed away from the house for more than a couple nights before coming home and getting money or clothes. It had been 4 nights since either one of them had seen Louann. Lou started to call Louann's cell phone when someone suddenly banged on their front door.
Ann opened the door and was delighted to see two strapping young police officers who tipped their cute little hats in her direction. "Oh my, can I help you officers?" She batted her one good eyelash and stood up straight on her one tall leg. "Mrs. Reynolds?" the first officer asked. She batted her eyelash affirmatively. "We're actually, uh, looking for your daughter, Louann. We think she's involved in a very dangerous situation."
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Story Hour! Part Three
RECAPS
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Xavier and Louann spent most of the night side by side at the bar, reminiscing about their brief, but passionate, secret love affair. He teased her about her incessant whining and humongous feet, and she poked fun at the way he cried after both movies and love making. For an hour, they laughed and had an okay time before they fell silent, each silently cursing the other for bringing up the ridiculous past.
Louann gulped down the last of her Vodka-Mountain Dew and smiled smugly. “Poor Xavier,” she started. “You poor man. You’re so devoted to me, and yet so, so alone. I guess I owe you one more unforgettable night.” Xavier choked on his Cosmopolitan. He was embarrassed for her, and a little hurt at her implications. She still didn’t realize it was HE who was taking pity on HER, not the other way around. “You idiot,” he laughed. “What makes you think I want anything from you? You’re the one who will be sleeping alone tonight, honey.” He had spoken so loudly that the bartender chuckled to himself behind the bar. Both stared stubbornly at the other before Louann, humiliated, pulled on her horrendous zebra-striped fur coat and stomped out of the bar.
She hadn’t gotten more than 10 feet from the bar before she was jumped. One of the men poked a gun in her back, while the other snatched her Prada bag. The men were young, Louann noted. And kind of cute. As the two men debated whether or not to make her hand over her tacky – and probably fake – jewelry, Louann batted her eyelashes and tried asking the gun dude for his number. “Is this broad crazy, bro?” he asked his accomplice. “I don’t know, yo, but we better get outta here before we find out for sure!” Louann chased the two men for 5 blocks, pleading for both her purse and a date, before giving up and walking home.
She had no money. No ID. No Tic Tacs. It was near dawn when she arrived back at her house. She walked inside and expected an avalanche of insults and punishments to be hurled at her by her parents. But it was quiet.
A couple hours later, Louann sat at the breakfast table eating her usual dodo bird eggs and unicorn sausage. Her dad, Lou, came in the kitchen and asked, "What the hell are you looking at?" Louann shrugged. She could tell he had been up late, fighting with her mother. His eyes were puffy and glassy and his voice was hoarse from yelling. She asked her father if he wanted any juice. He ignored her.
“Where the hell did your money-grubbing mother go?” he finally demanded. Louann finished her eggs. "All I know is that she is supposed to be going to yogilates this morning and then having a long, solo day at a super fancy spa on the other side of the tracks before meeting you and you alone for a private dinner on your private yacht.” Lou considered this, and silently wondered why Louann suddenly had taken such an interest in her mother’s schedule. He also wondered why Louann had gone to such lengths to plan this crazy, whacked out private date night for her parents, when he knew all too well how much Louann hated them both. He brushed aside his suspicions and went back to ignoring Louann.
When she heard her father’s car drive away, Louann breathed loudly. She had set the trap. The neighbors would know her parents had fought that night. She had gotten the gun to Xavier, and though she had lost her purse with the rest of Xavier’s money in it, she felt confident that he would do what she asked. And if all went according to her haphazard, blatantly obvious plan, her mother would be dead by sundown, Xavier would be headed to prison, and Louann would finally have everything she ever wanted.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Xavier and Louann spent most of the night side by side at the bar, reminiscing about their brief, but passionate, secret love affair. He teased her about her incessant whining and humongous feet, and she poked fun at the way he cried after both movies and love making. For an hour, they laughed and had an okay time before they fell silent, each silently cursing the other for bringing up the ridiculous past.
Louann gulped down the last of her Vodka-Mountain Dew and smiled smugly. “Poor Xavier,” she started. “You poor man. You’re so devoted to me, and yet so, so alone. I guess I owe you one more unforgettable night.” Xavier choked on his Cosmopolitan. He was embarrassed for her, and a little hurt at her implications. She still didn’t realize it was HE who was taking pity on HER, not the other way around. “You idiot,” he laughed. “What makes you think I want anything from you? You’re the one who will be sleeping alone tonight, honey.” He had spoken so loudly that the bartender chuckled to himself behind the bar. Both stared stubbornly at the other before Louann, humiliated, pulled on her horrendous zebra-striped fur coat and stomped out of the bar.
She hadn’t gotten more than 10 feet from the bar before she was jumped. One of the men poked a gun in her back, while the other snatched her Prada bag. The men were young, Louann noted. And kind of cute. As the two men debated whether or not to make her hand over her tacky – and probably fake – jewelry, Louann batted her eyelashes and tried asking the gun dude for his number. “Is this broad crazy, bro?” he asked his accomplice. “I don’t know, yo, but we better get outta here before we find out for sure!” Louann chased the two men for 5 blocks, pleading for both her purse and a date, before giving up and walking home.
She had no money. No ID. No Tic Tacs. It was near dawn when she arrived back at her house. She walked inside and expected an avalanche of insults and punishments to be hurled at her by her parents. But it was quiet.
A couple hours later, Louann sat at the breakfast table eating her usual dodo bird eggs and unicorn sausage. Her dad, Lou, came in the kitchen and asked, "What the hell are you looking at?" Louann shrugged. She could tell he had been up late, fighting with her mother. His eyes were puffy and glassy and his voice was hoarse from yelling. She asked her father if he wanted any juice. He ignored her.
“Where the hell did your money-grubbing mother go?” he finally demanded. Louann finished her eggs. "All I know is that she is supposed to be going to yogilates this morning and then having a long, solo day at a super fancy spa on the other side of the tracks before meeting you and you alone for a private dinner on your private yacht.” Lou considered this, and silently wondered why Louann suddenly had taken such an interest in her mother’s schedule. He also wondered why Louann had gone to such lengths to plan this crazy, whacked out private date night for her parents, when he knew all too well how much Louann hated them both. He brushed aside his suspicions and went back to ignoring Louann.
When she heard her father’s car drive away, Louann breathed loudly. She had set the trap. The neighbors would know her parents had fought that night. She had gotten the gun to Xavier, and though she had lost her purse with the rest of Xavier’s money in it, she felt confident that he would do what she asked. And if all went according to her haphazard, blatantly obvious plan, her mother would be dead by sundown, Xavier would be headed to prison, and Louann would finally have everything she ever wanted.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Story Hour! Part Two
Last week on Story Hour: We met Louann, a seemingly idiotic woman who, until recently, lived a charmed life. She has been on the run from law enforcement and finds herself on a deserted island. She broke her own leg and keeps having flashbacks to Xavier and a mysterious murder.
After a night of disturbing dreams, Louann awoke with the sun. She fondly recalled the mornings in Bali when she watched the sunrise after a night of partying with the sketchy locals she had met in town on her frequent solo visits out to the bars. The headache she had now, though, was not from tequila and rum, but from the throbbing pain in her leg. The bone was reset but her leg was covered from knee to ankle in deep bruises. When she tried to stand up, she collapsed the moment she put weight on her scrawny little leg. She sat back down on the yoga mat she had stashed in her boat. Defeated, she knew she would have to stay put for awhile.
Back on the main land, Louann's parents hardly noticed she was missing. Her father, Lou, had been crazy busy at his job in Nigerian Business Opportunities. He had perfected his "I need your help getting my money out of a trust, and as thanks, I will give you $4.2 million!" emails and was well on his way to acquiring the company who makes those "Congratulations! You just won an iPad!" pop up ads. Louann's mother, Ann (see what I did there?) had always been crazy harsh on Louann. Instead of feeding her that fatty baby formula as a baby, Louann's mother instructed the nanny to feed Louann Slimfast. She didn't want no chubby baby. When Louann started growing in to her looks at 16, her mother got insanely jealous of the youth and beauty of her daughter and vowed to ruin Louann's life. After trying to poison Louann's vodka smoothie one morning, Ann was admitted, for the first of many times, to the looney bin.
The night Louann stole the rowboat and left, her parents had had a huge fight over finances. They were hemorrhaging money after Louann's mother had started paying off the doctors who kept insisting she needed to stay in the hospital. Lou had threatened to cut Ann off. Ann threatened to cut Lou up. They argued all night, and didn't notice Louann stealing her dad's glock and strolling out of the house at 3 a.m.
While Louann was leaving her house, Xavier was across town at a hipster bar, drinking PBR ironically, smoking a cigarette, and listening tobad hipster-y live music. He was handsome, no doubt. He had broad shoulders, the slightest hint of a 5 o'clock shadow, and thick black hair. That he could charm the robe off a nun would not be an overstatement. He, not surprisingly, worked in some obscure position at some generic advertising or marketing or graphic design company or something similarly cliche. But he made good money that he spent lavishly on skateboards and faberge eggs. Was he gay? No one knew for sure. Xavier was a lifelong bachelor, who was rumored to have bedded both Blake Lively and James Franco. But that night, at that hipster bar, he was interested in one thing, and one thing only. Louann and the money. Oh, wait. Two things. I guess he was interested in TWO things.
As Xavier finished his beer and his smoke, the bar door swung open and all the hipsters in the bar groaned as the outside noise interrupted their self-obsessed conversations. As Louann walked in the door, the terribly whiny band (mercifully) stopped playing and stared at the creature before them. Her long black hair tumbled past her slim shoulders, and her skin was smooth and golden - but kind of orangey too. Like the inside of Butterfinger. She looked around and her glassy, bright green eyes spotted Xavier. As she walked towards him, every one in the bar stared. She was beautiful, but she also looked like she'd be sticky.
Louann air-kissed his cheeks in that super stupid way people who want to appear rich and cool do, and then she pulled the gun out of her Prada bag to show Xavier. He nodded, took it from her and dropped it in his pocket. Then she handed him a crumpled up wad of cash. "Is this all of it?" he asked. "No," Louann said, "but you'll get the rest when it's done." Before she could walk out, Xavier invited her to sit for a drink. She hesitated, briefly remembering their passionate history together, but decided one drink wouldn't kill anyone, would it?
After a night of disturbing dreams, Louann awoke with the sun. She fondly recalled the mornings in Bali when she watched the sunrise after a night of partying with the sketchy locals she had met in town on her frequent solo visits out to the bars. The headache she had now, though, was not from tequila and rum, but from the throbbing pain in her leg. The bone was reset but her leg was covered from knee to ankle in deep bruises. When she tried to stand up, she collapsed the moment she put weight on her scrawny little leg. She sat back down on the yoga mat she had stashed in her boat. Defeated, she knew she would have to stay put for awhile.
Back on the main land, Louann's parents hardly noticed she was missing. Her father, Lou, had been crazy busy at his job in Nigerian Business Opportunities. He had perfected his "I need your help getting my money out of a trust, and as thanks, I will give you $4.2 million!" emails and was well on his way to acquiring the company who makes those "Congratulations! You just won an iPad!" pop up ads. Louann's mother, Ann (see what I did there?) had always been crazy harsh on Louann. Instead of feeding her that fatty baby formula as a baby, Louann's mother instructed the nanny to feed Louann Slimfast. She didn't want no chubby baby. When Louann started growing in to her looks at 16, her mother got insanely jealous of the youth and beauty of her daughter and vowed to ruin Louann's life. After trying to poison Louann's vodka smoothie one morning, Ann was admitted, for the first of many times, to the looney bin.
The night Louann stole the rowboat and left, her parents had had a huge fight over finances. They were hemorrhaging money after Louann's mother had started paying off the doctors who kept insisting she needed to stay in the hospital. Lou had threatened to cut Ann off. Ann threatened to cut Lou up. They argued all night, and didn't notice Louann stealing her dad's glock and strolling out of the house at 3 a.m.
While Louann was leaving her house, Xavier was across town at a hipster bar, drinking PBR ironically, smoking a cigarette, and listening to
As Xavier finished his beer and his smoke, the bar door swung open and all the hipsters in the bar groaned as the outside noise interrupted their self-obsessed conversations. As Louann walked in the door, the terribly whiny band (mercifully) stopped playing and stared at the creature before them. Her long black hair tumbled past her slim shoulders, and her skin was smooth and golden - but kind of orangey too. Like the inside of Butterfinger. She looked around and her glassy, bright green eyes spotted Xavier. As she walked towards him, every one in the bar stared. She was beautiful, but she also looked like she'd be sticky.
Louann air-kissed his cheeks in that super stupid way people who want to appear rich and cool do, and then she pulled the gun out of her Prada bag to show Xavier. He nodded, took it from her and dropped it in his pocket. Then she handed him a crumpled up wad of cash. "Is this all of it?" he asked. "No," Louann said, "but you'll get the rest when it's done." Before she could walk out, Xavier invited her to sit for a drink. She hesitated, briefly remembering their passionate history together, but decided one drink wouldn't kill anyone, would it?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Story Hour!
Okay, quick explanatory paragraph. I’ve been missing the consistency of Wednesday Winners. I’ll admit that it was kind of easy to at least know the SUBJECT of a blog before mindlessly staring at a blank Word document. But Wednesday Winners, much like my addiction to noodles and ranch dressing, had to go. Then last night, Geo was talking to me about a podcast he likes. It’s a dude who basically tells a story every week. Or more accurately, a PART of a story. Then every week he continues the story from where he left off the week before. I like that a lot. And in wake of realizing I only write, eh hem, Non-Fiction, I decided that fictional storytelling is something I could use some work on. So, I’m going to give this a shot. I’m going to start a story today, and then next week, I’ll pick it back up and continue with the next chapter. Like this idea? Hate this idea? Have something else you need to get off your chest? Slap it in the Comments, friends.
And so it begins...
Louann clung to the side of the row boat, relieving herself in the lake. She noticed the chip on her nails and thought, "As soon as I'm done running from the law, I've got to get a manicure". She finished up and hauled herself back in her little boat. As she sat thumbing through the files she managed to keep dry in the boat, she briefly considered what she would be doing on an average Wednesday night. You know, had she NOT been currently on the run from the law. She could almost taste the caviar and champagne she'd, no doubt, be enjoying at her parents castle at the top of a lush green hill. She missed her pet unicorn, Corny, and a tear slipped down her chin.
As soon as Louann started paddling to the deserted island in the middle of the lake, she panicked. The memories pummeled her brain, relentless. Flashes of blood, the broken Xbox, a recent sale at Anthropologie she was missing out on, and Xavier's desperate eyes. He had crossed a line, no doubt, but Louann knew she also had gone too far when she did what she did. She paddled harder, knowing that dusk was approaching. As she drifted silently to the shore, her paddle slipped out of her hand and into the murky, pee-filled water. Louann secured her boat first, and headed back to the water to retrieve the paddle. Her bedazzled nightgown floated effortlessly around her. Carefully, she reached into the dark water and felt around for the paddle. Her trembling hand found the paddle just as a water snake (snakes live in water, right?!) slithered up her naked leg. She smacked at the snake with her paddle, over and over until the snake slipped into the water. Louann quickly realized she broke her own leg, and the snake was not a snake, but a strand of seaweed.
Louann had never graduated from college. Her high school diploma was a copy of Bouanne Reynolds' diploma, cleverly whited-out and copied at the corner Kinko's. No one could accuse Louann of being too smart. Her mind was on men and money, and despite the warnings of her financial staff, money had brought her happiness, and the men had brought the money. And also syphilis. Louann also had syphilis because she really got around.
As Louann waded through the used hypodermic needles that bounced back and forth against the shore with the waves, she briefly wondered where her charmed life went wrong. Could it have been the murder? Maybe, Louann could not know. She noted the broken bone sticking out her leg and sighed. Louann laid back, staring at the stars, wondering if broken bones are contagious. To be safe, she took her bra and covered up her bone. In an effort to tie off the contagious germs, she inadvertently reset the broken bone and passed out from the pain.
Her dreams were uneasy. They drifted from the peaceful memories of her pony and diamond-studded toaster oven, her purses made out of $50 bills, and her staff of 130, to flashbacks from a few nights ago. She tossed and turned, and in her dreams, she thought briefly that she had caused all the damage. Her dreams turned even more ugly as she imagined her perfect teeth crumbling out of her gums, and being naked in front of her high school Latin class, and being at her house but it wasn't really her house, it was kind of like Seth's house from elementary school, but there were like lions everywhere holding umbrellas...but when Xavier appeared (in the body of a chimpanzee), she woke up with a start. Louann knew what she had to do.
And so it begins...
Louann clung to the side of the row boat, relieving herself in the lake. She noticed the chip on her nails and thought, "As soon as I'm done running from the law, I've got to get a manicure". She finished up and hauled herself back in her little boat. As she sat thumbing through the files she managed to keep dry in the boat, she briefly considered what she would be doing on an average Wednesday night. You know, had she NOT been currently on the run from the law. She could almost taste the caviar and champagne she'd, no doubt, be enjoying at her parents castle at the top of a lush green hill. She missed her pet unicorn, Corny, and a tear slipped down her chin.
As soon as Louann started paddling to the deserted island in the middle of the lake, she panicked. The memories pummeled her brain, relentless. Flashes of blood, the broken Xbox, a recent sale at Anthropologie she was missing out on, and Xavier's desperate eyes. He had crossed a line, no doubt, but Louann knew she also had gone too far when she did what she did. She paddled harder, knowing that dusk was approaching. As she drifted silently to the shore, her paddle slipped out of her hand and into the murky, pee-filled water. Louann secured her boat first, and headed back to the water to retrieve the paddle. Her bedazzled nightgown floated effortlessly around her. Carefully, she reached into the dark water and felt around for the paddle. Her trembling hand found the paddle just as a water snake (snakes live in water, right?!) slithered up her naked leg. She smacked at the snake with her paddle, over and over until the snake slipped into the water. Louann quickly realized she broke her own leg, and the snake was not a snake, but a strand of seaweed.
Louann had never graduated from college. Her high school diploma was a copy of Bouanne Reynolds' diploma, cleverly whited-out and copied at the corner Kinko's. No one could accuse Louann of being too smart. Her mind was on men and money, and despite the warnings of her financial staff, money had brought her happiness, and the men had brought the money. And also syphilis. Louann also had syphilis because she really got around.
As Louann waded through the used hypodermic needles that bounced back and forth against the shore with the waves, she briefly wondered where her charmed life went wrong. Could it have been the murder? Maybe, Louann could not know. She noted the broken bone sticking out her leg and sighed. Louann laid back, staring at the stars, wondering if broken bones are contagious. To be safe, she took her bra and covered up her bone. In an effort to tie off the contagious germs, she inadvertently reset the broken bone and passed out from the pain.
Her dreams were uneasy. They drifted from the peaceful memories of her pony and diamond-studded toaster oven, her purses made out of $50 bills, and her staff of 130, to flashbacks from a few nights ago. She tossed and turned, and in her dreams, she thought briefly that she had caused all the damage. Her dreams turned even more ugly as she imagined her perfect teeth crumbling out of her gums, and being naked in front of her high school Latin class, and being at her house but it wasn't really her house, it was kind of like Seth's house from elementary school, but there were like lions everywhere holding umbrellas...but when Xavier appeared (in the body of a chimpanzee), she woke up with a start. Louann knew what she had to do.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Story of a Lifetime WINNER!
Well, I've FINALLY chosen my Story of a Lifetime winner! Thanks so much for all the great submissions (Kim told me her friend Gretchen and her family turned the whole thing into something of a drinking game, which I not only support, I would like to be involved in next time. Call me.) Thanks for all the awesome stories! I laughed, I cried, I ate snacks. But big ups to Liz, Robin and Jessica all from Minnesota for submitting this awesomely cheesy, chock full of Lifetimey goodness!! So, coming soon to Lifetime TV: AMNESIA MOM.
Setting: Minneapolis and South Dakota (Mount Rushmore Area), circa 2010
Characters: Voey (rhymes with Zoe, also we think this will be a hot baby name in 2011 upon the release of this film), a sassy teenager who is suffering from a mysterious nose ring infection that just wont go away. Vanessa, Voey’s "mother" who has an evil way about her. She is hiding the true secret of Voey’s “medical condition” and their true relationship. Violet, Vanessa’s beautiful and kind twin sister born 2 seconds earlier who is currently living with amnesia in South Dakota, following a car accident 15 years earlier that left her with no memory of who she is or any details of her life. She has been working as a waitress to pay off her medial bills. Recently, Violet has been having re-occurring dreams of having a teenage daughter with a rare disease.
Synopsis: Story opens on a car, after it has flipped three times and sits in ditch off dark highway. Violet’s bloody hand reaches out and attempts to wave for help before giving up and falling to her side. She looks at her husband in the passenger seat. Is he dead? She looks behind her at her infant in the back. Is she dead? Feeling certain unconsciousness setting in, Violet focuses all of her remaining strength to look in the rearview mirror at her infant daughter, Voey, strapped in a car seat. She then sees another face staring back at her in the mirror. Is it her own face in the mirror? Where are the wounds that her face surely has after such a horrific car accident? “It can’t be my own reflection,” Violet thought. Could it be… her evil twin sister, Vanessa? Violet watches helplessly as the mysterious stranger in the back unstraps baby Voey and kidnaps her. She tries desperately to scream but only a weak whisper comes out. “Vanessa….” Just then, Violet passes into unconsciousness, never again to remember what she had just experienced.
Cue opening credits…
*** Sixteen Years Later*** A young girl, age sixteen, named Voey is suffering from what she believes is just a sudden nasty nose ring infection. But her doctor and her “mother” Vanessa are being quite secretive about the diagnosis. Fed up with being kept in the dark by her mother (Voey has always sensed an evilness about her) she decides to take matters into her own hands and tears through her mother’s office. She finds a thin accordion file with “Voey” scratched across the top in thick marker. She rips it open and finds only a few pictures from recent years. "Why aren’t there any pictures of me as a baby?" she wonders. She digs a little deeper through boring crap: her first tooth that she lost, a postcard that she sent from summer camp, a receipt for her bike. “Where are all of my important documents? No birth certificate, no social security card?” At the bottom of the file she spots a small blue post-it with the phrase Endomisitisis Psychoeroticitis neatly printed on it. A quick iPhone search (movie to be sponsored by Apple…lots of product plugs periodically) reveals that Endomisitisis Psychoeroticitis, MSP for short, is a rare disease that can only be passed from mother to daughter. MSP causes ugly, hideous, grotesque cancerous spots on your nose and can only be cured by mixing the biological mothers blood with the daughter’s blood. Mixed blood transfusion MUST occur immediately as patients will die within 72 hours of first outbreak without it.
Voey suddenly feels weak. She touches her nose ring. It’s not an infection at all, is it? She runs over to the family Mac (Apple product plug #2) and pulls up the calendar. Her nose has been infected for 2 days. That only leaves her…24 hours to find antidote!!!! Panicked, Voey looks back at the blue post-it. There is something written on the back: MOTHER NOT A MATCH. Zoey vomits. “My mother…isn’t my mother?!?!” she gasps, “I was kidnapped!!!!” Realization hits Voey just as she faints. While unconscious, she has the same dream that her REAL mother, Amesia Mom Violet, has been having for several months. It’s suddenly clear to both of them. They MUST meet and combine their blood to make an antidote! It must be now. And it must be at Mount Rushmore!
Montage of Voey and Violet each rushing to Mount Rushmore. Flash to evil Vanessa arriving home, finding her trashed office and realizing that Voey has learned the truth. She sets out after Voey to prevent her and Violet from meeting and discovering that SHE caused the car crash in the first place. It was all an evil plot of Vanessa’s to steal her sisters baby after learning that she could never have a child of her own. After all, Violet always had the perfect life, she was prettier and more popular with woodland creatures than Vanessa. She had the perfect job and perfect husband. She was the good twin, and Vanessa got all of the “left over” genes. Evil Vanessa wanted Violet to know the pain Vanessa had felt her whole life.
Movie climaxes with all three characters meeting on the nose of Abraham Lincoln. There is a struggle and evil Vanessa falls and is dangling off the tip of nose. Violet and Voey consider letting her fall to her death as they piece together all of the years of torture that Vanessa has put them through. Just then a handsome doctor comes swinging across Washington’s eyebrows. “Stop!” he shouts, “You have to combine your blood and make the antidote now!!” The handsome doctor whips out a petri dish, mixes up antidote and injects Voey. The color suddenly returns to her cheeks and the heinous, gaping sores in her nose begin to heal instantly. Violet walks over to her sister still dangling off the tip of Lincoln’s nose. It's just not in her kind nature to let her sister fall to her death, even if Vanessa was the one who orchestrated a car crash, killing Violet’s husband, leaving her with amnesia while Vanessa kidnapped her only child and fully intended on letting that child die of a rare cancerous nose blister disease all to keep her own past deeds a secret. She pulls her sister to safety and they embrace. Evil murderous plan be dammed. Sisterly love always triumphs.
Fade to last shot of Violet, Vanessa and Voey sharing a picnic in a meadow and swapping stories of the years that they missed of each others lives. Voey’s nose is completely healed and she is carrying an iPad (Apple plug #3). The handsom doctor is waiting in the car for the ladies to finish lunch. He and Violet have fallen in love and are planning a fall wedding. As the screen fades to black, the camera closes in on Vanessa’s face. We see an evil look flash across her eyes as she looks over at the handsom doctor’s car. She glances back to Violet and we see the slight snarling of Vanessa’s lips. Maybe there is still evil jealousy in her after all. Fade all the way to black. Leave open ended for potential sequel.
Roll credits.
Casting-wise we are thinking former Melrose Place actress Daphne Zuniga in the roles of Violet/Vanessa and Selena Gomez as Voey.
Here are photos of us working on original storyboard, as proof that this story is an original:
Congratulations, ladies! Thanks for this awesome story! When you get your shirt, post a photo on the Pharon Square Facebook Page and make all your friends jealous!!
Setting: Minneapolis and South Dakota (Mount Rushmore Area), circa 2010
Characters: Voey (rhymes with Zoe, also we think this will be a hot baby name in 2011 upon the release of this film), a sassy teenager who is suffering from a mysterious nose ring infection that just wont go away. Vanessa, Voey’s "mother" who has an evil way about her. She is hiding the true secret of Voey’s “medical condition” and their true relationship. Violet, Vanessa’s beautiful and kind twin sister born 2 seconds earlier who is currently living with amnesia in South Dakota, following a car accident 15 years earlier that left her with no memory of who she is or any details of her life. She has been working as a waitress to pay off her medial bills. Recently, Violet has been having re-occurring dreams of having a teenage daughter with a rare disease.
Synopsis: Story opens on a car, after it has flipped three times and sits in ditch off dark highway. Violet’s bloody hand reaches out and attempts to wave for help before giving up and falling to her side. She looks at her husband in the passenger seat. Is he dead? She looks behind her at her infant in the back. Is she dead? Feeling certain unconsciousness setting in, Violet focuses all of her remaining strength to look in the rearview mirror at her infant daughter, Voey, strapped in a car seat. She then sees another face staring back at her in the mirror. Is it her own face in the mirror? Where are the wounds that her face surely has after such a horrific car accident? “It can’t be my own reflection,” Violet thought. Could it be… her evil twin sister, Vanessa? Violet watches helplessly as the mysterious stranger in the back unstraps baby Voey and kidnaps her. She tries desperately to scream but only a weak whisper comes out. “Vanessa….” Just then, Violet passes into unconsciousness, never again to remember what she had just experienced.
Cue opening credits…
*** Sixteen Years Later*** A young girl, age sixteen, named Voey is suffering from what she believes is just a sudden nasty nose ring infection. But her doctor and her “mother” Vanessa are being quite secretive about the diagnosis. Fed up with being kept in the dark by her mother (Voey has always sensed an evilness about her) she decides to take matters into her own hands and tears through her mother’s office. She finds a thin accordion file with “Voey” scratched across the top in thick marker. She rips it open and finds only a few pictures from recent years. "Why aren’t there any pictures of me as a baby?" she wonders. She digs a little deeper through boring crap: her first tooth that she lost, a postcard that she sent from summer camp, a receipt for her bike. “Where are all of my important documents? No birth certificate, no social security card?” At the bottom of the file she spots a small blue post-it with the phrase Endomisitisis Psychoeroticitis neatly printed on it. A quick iPhone search (movie to be sponsored by Apple…lots of product plugs periodically) reveals that Endomisitisis Psychoeroticitis, MSP for short, is a rare disease that can only be passed from mother to daughter. MSP causes ugly, hideous, grotesque cancerous spots on your nose and can only be cured by mixing the biological mothers blood with the daughter’s blood. Mixed blood transfusion MUST occur immediately as patients will die within 72 hours of first outbreak without it.
Voey suddenly feels weak. She touches her nose ring. It’s not an infection at all, is it? She runs over to the family Mac (Apple product plug #2) and pulls up the calendar. Her nose has been infected for 2 days. That only leaves her…24 hours to find antidote!!!! Panicked, Voey looks back at the blue post-it. There is something written on the back: MOTHER NOT A MATCH. Zoey vomits. “My mother…isn’t my mother?!?!” she gasps, “I was kidnapped!!!!” Realization hits Voey just as she faints. While unconscious, she has the same dream that her REAL mother, Amesia Mom Violet, has been having for several months. It’s suddenly clear to both of them. They MUST meet and combine their blood to make an antidote! It must be now. And it must be at Mount Rushmore!
Montage of Voey and Violet each rushing to Mount Rushmore. Flash to evil Vanessa arriving home, finding her trashed office and realizing that Voey has learned the truth. She sets out after Voey to prevent her and Violet from meeting and discovering that SHE caused the car crash in the first place. It was all an evil plot of Vanessa’s to steal her sisters baby after learning that she could never have a child of her own. After all, Violet always had the perfect life, she was prettier and more popular with woodland creatures than Vanessa. She had the perfect job and perfect husband. She was the good twin, and Vanessa got all of the “left over” genes. Evil Vanessa wanted Violet to know the pain Vanessa had felt her whole life.
Movie climaxes with all three characters meeting on the nose of Abraham Lincoln. There is a struggle and evil Vanessa falls and is dangling off the tip of nose. Violet and Voey consider letting her fall to her death as they piece together all of the years of torture that Vanessa has put them through. Just then a handsome doctor comes swinging across Washington’s eyebrows. “Stop!” he shouts, “You have to combine your blood and make the antidote now!!” The handsome doctor whips out a petri dish, mixes up antidote and injects Voey. The color suddenly returns to her cheeks and the heinous, gaping sores in her nose begin to heal instantly. Violet walks over to her sister still dangling off the tip of Lincoln’s nose. It's just not in her kind nature to let her sister fall to her death, even if Vanessa was the one who orchestrated a car crash, killing Violet’s husband, leaving her with amnesia while Vanessa kidnapped her only child and fully intended on letting that child die of a rare cancerous nose blister disease all to keep her own past deeds a secret. She pulls her sister to safety and they embrace. Evil murderous plan be dammed. Sisterly love always triumphs.
Fade to last shot of Violet, Vanessa and Voey sharing a picnic in a meadow and swapping stories of the years that they missed of each others lives. Voey’s nose is completely healed and she is carrying an iPad (Apple plug #3). The handsom doctor is waiting in the car for the ladies to finish lunch. He and Violet have fallen in love and are planning a fall wedding. As the screen fades to black, the camera closes in on Vanessa’s face. We see an evil look flash across her eyes as she looks over at the handsom doctor’s car. She glances back to Violet and we see the slight snarling of Vanessa’s lips. Maybe there is still evil jealousy in her after all. Fade all the way to black. Leave open ended for potential sequel.
Roll credits.
Casting-wise we are thinking former Melrose Place actress Daphne Zuniga in the roles of Violet/Vanessa and Selena Gomez as Voey.
Here are photos of us working on original storyboard, as proof that this story is an original:
Congratulations, ladies! Thanks for this awesome story! When you get your shirt, post a photo on the Pharon Square Facebook Page and make all your friends jealous!!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Quick Reminder / Nag-a-thon
Hey guys, I just wanted to give you a quick, and FINAL, reminder that I'll finally be choosing my Lifetime/Cheesy Movie Premise winner this weekend! Get your submissions in for your chance to be have the story published on pharonsquare.com AND a radical Pharon Square t-shirt!
Methods of Submission: Your best bet is to email your synopsis/outline/etchings/summary/one-liners to me at pharonsquare@gmail.com. I guess you could also POST it on the Pharon Square Fan Page on Facebook (which you BETTER be a Fan of, or I'll sneak into your house and rearrange all your cupboards, making you think you've gone insane, thereby catapulting you into a long, slow descent towards a massive psychotic break), but that could give away your bomb ideas.
Deadline: I'll be choosing the winner this weekend. If you're a rebel/outlaw, you could wait until Sunday night to submit, but that could be too late. If you want to play it safe, I'd send it in before then. Either way, I'm too flaky to give a specific time, so hedge your bets and get 'em in early.
Good luck!
Methods of Submission: Your best bet is to email your synopsis/outline/etchings/summary/one-liners to me at pharonsquare@gmail.com. I guess you could also POST it on the Pharon Square Fan Page on Facebook (which you BETTER be a Fan of, or I'll sneak into your house and rearrange all your cupboards, making you think you've gone insane, thereby catapulting you into a long, slow descent towards a massive psychotic break), but that could give away your bomb ideas.
Deadline: I'll be choosing the winner this weekend. If you're a rebel/outlaw, you could wait until Sunday night to submit, but that could be too late. If you want to play it safe, I'd send it in before then. Either way, I'm too flaky to give a specific time, so hedge your bets and get 'em in early.
Good luck!
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