Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Story Hour!

Okay, quick explanatory paragraph. I’ve been missing the consistency of Wednesday Winners. I’ll admit that it was kind of easy to at least know the SUBJECT of a blog before mindlessly staring at a blank Word document. But Wednesday Winners, much like my addiction to noodles and ranch dressing, had to go. Then last night, Geo was talking to me about a podcast he likes. It’s a dude who basically tells a story every week. Or more accurately, a PART of a story. Then every week he continues the story from where he left off the week before. I like that a lot. And in wake of realizing I only write, eh hem, Non-Fiction, I decided that fictional storytelling is something I could use some work on. So, I’m going to give this a shot. I’m going to start a story today, and then next week, I’ll pick it back up and continue with the next chapter. Like this idea? Hate this idea? Have something else you need to get off your chest? Slap it in the Comments, friends.

And so it begins...

Louann clung to the side of the row boat, relieving herself in the lake. She noticed the chip on her nails and thought, "As soon as I'm done running from the law, I've got to get a manicure". She finished up and hauled herself back in her little boat. As she sat thumbing through the files she managed to keep dry in the boat, she briefly considered what she would be doing on an average Wednesday night. You know, had she NOT been currently on the run from the law. She could almost taste the caviar and champagne she'd, no doubt, be enjoying at her parents castle at the top of a lush green hill. She missed her pet unicorn, Corny, and a tear slipped down her chin.

As soon as Louann started paddling to the deserted island in the middle of the lake, she panicked. The memories pummeled her brain, relentless. Flashes of blood, the broken Xbox, a recent sale at Anthropologie she was missing out on, and Xavier's desperate eyes. He had crossed a line, no doubt, but Louann knew she also had gone too far when she did what she did. She paddled harder, knowing that dusk was approaching. As she drifted silently to the shore, her paddle slipped out of her hand and into the murky, pee-filled water. Louann secured her boat first, and headed back to the water to retrieve the paddle. Her bedazzled nightgown floated effortlessly around her. Carefully, she reached into the dark water and felt around for the paddle. Her trembling hand found the paddle just as a water snake (snakes live in water, right?!) slithered up her naked leg. She smacked at the snake with her paddle, over and over until the snake slipped into the water. Louann quickly realized she broke her own leg, and the snake was not a snake, but a strand of seaweed.

Louann had never graduated from college. Her high school diploma was a copy of Bouanne Reynolds' diploma, cleverly whited-out and copied at the corner Kinko's. No one could accuse Louann of being too smart. Her mind was on men and money, and despite the warnings of her financial staff, money had brought her happiness, and the men had brought the money. And also syphilis. Louann also had syphilis because she really got around.

As Louann waded through the used hypodermic needles that bounced back and forth against the shore with the waves, she briefly wondered where her charmed life went wrong. Could it have been the murder? Maybe, Louann could not know. She noted the broken bone sticking out her leg and sighed. Louann laid back, staring at the stars, wondering if broken bones are contagious. To be safe, she took her bra and covered up her bone. In an effort to tie off the contagious germs, she inadvertently reset the broken bone and passed out from the pain.

Her dreams were uneasy. They drifted from the peaceful memories of her pony and diamond-studded toaster oven, her purses made out of $50 bills, and her staff of 130, to flashbacks from a few nights ago. She tossed and turned, and in her dreams, she thought briefly that she had caused all the damage. Her dreams turned even more ugly as she imagined her perfect teeth crumbling out of her gums, and being naked in front of her high school Latin class, and being at her house but it wasn't really her house, it was kind of like Seth's house from elementary school, but there were like lions everywhere holding umbrellas...but when Xavier appeared (in the body of a chimpanzee), she woke up with a start. Louann knew what she had to do.


Grandmaman said...

GOOD GRIEF! Far out!

Anonymous said...

Tell me that is what you submitted to that writing agency - then I will understand why you thought they thought - "uh! is this chick serious"

Totally outrageous and I bet they read it more than once in case they missed the point. There was one right? You probably spooked them a tad. It did me!

Can't wait to hear what happens to The Lady of the Lake next week!

Pharon said...

Hahaha...I didn't submit the whole thing. Kind of just the first few lines (I brushed 'em up for sake of a longer story). Is this really THAT crazy!? I thought it was funny!