Hollywood Walk of Lame

I’m such a hypocrite. Seriously. Not long ago I blogged about how cliché it is to sit and write at a coffee shop. And yet, I’m here at my neighborhood Caribou Coffee tap-tapping away on my computer, much to the annoyance of the socializers sitting next to me. I couldn’t help it. Every time I write at home, I end up hating what I write. So, I had to get out of there tonight. I’ve become the very thing I mock.

Okay, well, first thing’s first. It’s my friend Kelly’s birthday today! HBD, Kelly! AND, it’s my MOM’s birthday TOMORROW! w0000000t! In lieu of a birthday gift this year, I’m giving you guys a shout out on my blog! That, my friends, is worthless priceless.

Now that that’s taken care of, let’s move on to the big issue here today: You guys? Hollywood is totally lame these days. I’m really very disappointed in all my celebs. And I think the lack of action is contributing to my malaise as of late. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was like all nutso? Well, she moved in next door to her ex-girlfriend after getting out of rehab, and all that happened was that they had a “friendly lunch”. LAME. Miss Britney’s in the news again, but it’s because her new song is TOTALLY listenable and catchy, which is, you know, nice. I guess. All the people who are pregnant right now are like all settled down with some totally non-threatening dude who they’ve been dating for longer than 2 weeks. And all the breakups? Amicable. Oh yeah, and SNOOKIE wrote a BOOK(IE). I guess it’s fine, because I guess that means she can read, but I like my Snookie like I like my coffee. Way too dark and full of booze.

Apparently Charlie Sheen is doing something sort of crazy these days, but I don’t know what it is because I just don’t care about him. I can’t believe his stupid show is even on the air, by the way. Two and a Half Men? Are you kidding? Dumbest. Show. Ever. UGH! Look at me, people! Look what this Scandal Dry Spell is doing to me! I’m taking all my frustration out on poor Charlie Sheen, who I really liked in his tiny roll as a juvenile delinquent being held at jail in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I’m bullying him because his wacky drug-fueled antics just aren’t doin’ it for me these days. He’s on the verge of irrelevancy anyway, so it seems too EASY to rag on him. Sorry, Charlie.

What happened to all the adulterers of 2010? Where are the mental breakdowns resulting in baldness, jail, or worse? I saw a picture of AMY WINEHOUSE this week and I was so relieved. If anyone is dependably insane, it‘s her. But she’s actually performing, at an actual concert and she actually showed up. Plus, she’s gained a bit of weight back and looks healthier. And she was smiling! What is going on, people?! Are you trying to ruin my winter, Hollywood?

This week on TMZ, there were more stories about Michael Jackson’s former doctor than anything else. Oh, and no-name athletes who keep doing stupid crap. I don’t know them, I don’t care about them. Please stop writing about them, TMZ, and just start making stuff up again. I want that. I need that.

Where’s the HEART man? Where’s the fire and the passion for crazy hijinks in Hollywood? Whatever happened to “All Press is Good Press”? That’s like the golden standard out there! Sad, maybe all the stars and starlettes are growing up. Like, instead of going out on cocaine benders and having fights with trees, they’re staying in with tea and updating their contacts list. If ANYthing makes me feel old these days, it’s the boredom I get from listening to the famous people in my generation do nothing. Well, nothing except, like, working. And that’s just not interesting at all.

I need a fat, juicy story. I want Rihanna to start dating Miley Cyrus. I want LeBron James to admit to taking steroids, or Natalie Portman to give birth to 16 babies. Or, better yet, how about Brad and Angelina break up because she finally admits she’s an evil demon, and has only come to Earth to start her own evil army by adopting a zillion kids, but then eats all her babies?! Can someone find out if that’s going to happen!?

Again, I feel like such a hypocrite. I used to think “God, why do tabloids write about all this negative crap?” Well, I’ve found my answer. I NEED that negative crap. I do. When I get home from work and I’m exhausted and my house is messy and I have to pay bills and I can’t fit into my jeans anymore and my phone is broken, nothing perks me up like hearing that people have way bigger problems than me. Especially people who are skinnier than me, with way more money, too. Call me immature, call me mean-spirited, I don’t care. I’m a product of my generation. I’ve been spoiled my whole life with juicy Hollywood gossip - Remember Christian Slater and Madonna and OJ Simpson? HELLO!? Now, it’s like politicians are stealing the gossip limelight, and that is really dumb. I want my politicians to make the world better, not have reality shows.

So, whaddya say, Hollywood? Let’s get back to work. Go ahead and get back on those drugs! Get arrested for something heinous, and take a wicked bad mug shot! Get married and divorced…this weekend! You can do it! I need something big to happen. It’s going to take a Tiger Woodscapade-sized thing to get this group of “stars” back in my heart. Outside of that, I’m just going to stop caring about them and move on to hoping Justin Bieber comes out of the closet…

Have a great weekend, everyone!