Thursday, January 20, 2011

Cold Feet

I've waited as long as possible. I've held my tongue, I've waited for it to change, I've tried to see the bright side. And yet, there is no denying it any more. It's really effing cold out. Like: surface of Pluto cold. I know, I know. Back in November I talked about how people need to get over the coldness of Minnesota because it's MINNESOTA. But we are barely (if even) halfway through the winter, and my eyelashes froze together this morning. Very uncool.

So, okay so you know how the heat and humidity remind me of swimming in pea soup and being punched in the face with mayonnaise? Well the cold, man. This crazy frigid cold. It's like standing in a wind tunnel while shards of glass fly at my face at light speed I while wear a suit made out freezer burn and my blood has turned into a Coke slushie...or Rumpleminz. It's all sharp and jagged and unyielding. So yes, I'm officially complaining about the weather.

It's not the snow that gets me. It's not the impossible parking restrictions, it's not even the slippery sidewalks. It's the absolute PAIN of freezing from the outside in. It's the crickly crackly frozen feeling of my skin, the fear that my nose will snap right off my face, and the sadness I get when I lose all the feeling in my toes. Sometimes I worry about whether or not toe-amputees can still wear peep-toe heels.

Despite the frigidity outside, I've been living in a 65 degree house too - for those who don't know, that's COLD. But tonight, I got gutsy and turned the thermostat up to Sixty Seven Degrees. Then I pulled out some duct tape and fixed the little tears in our window plastic that fancies up our house. (Okay, so I understand that putting plastic on your drafty windows keeps your house warm, but why can't someone make window plastic that doesn't tear and come off with the slightest breeze? Come on, Science.) I've got some bedazzled Vikings sweatpants on, a pink furry fleece sweatshirt, and wool socks tucked into fleece-lined slippers. I do NOT look good. But I'm warm. That's the main problemo with winter. I don't care how many pairs of tights you have, or how many sweaters you layer, or how inconspicuous you think your long underwear is, NO ONE LOOKS HOT IN THE FREEZING COLD.

I once heard of a girl in middle school who walked outside in winter with wet hair, and when she brushed her fingers through her hair, all her hair just snapped right off. So, you can imagine my horror when I was walking to work this morning, and the homocidal, stabbing cold wind started smacking me in my face until my eyes watered. I tried to not blink. I stared into that bitter wind like it stole my purse. I felt my tears smearing my makeup, but I didn't want to blink. I willed my eyes to stay open. I felt my contacts freeze to my eyeballs, and all of a sudden I just did it. I blinked. The corners of my lashes stuck together like a tongue on a lamp post. I started to panic, imagining that girl snapping off her own frozen hair. I wondered what I'd look like without eyelashes. It wasn't pretty.

As soon as I walked into our building, though, my frozen tears mercifully thawed and my fears subsided. That, my friends, means it is officially too cold. The disturbingly tan weather man has been throwing around words like "tundra", "icy" and "permafrost" lately. That's not weather, people, that's uninhabitable terrain. I'm not complaining about a little chilly weather, you guys. I'm not all "Oh no! I can see my breath!" It's more like "I'm afraid of losing appendages while I'm waiting for the bus".

I guess I just have to focus on July, when it's BOUND to be warmer. Though, by then it's all back to pea soup and mayonnaise punches. You just can't win here, huh?

Well, (try to) stay warm, kids, and have a wonderful weekend!


Peter said...

I remember the frozen eyelashes when I worked downtown - and that was only from walking about half a block from bus stop to the Revolving Door of Warmth and Solitude.

Here's the plus side: You wrote this yesterday. And today was 15 degrees colder, minus the wind. If you can make it through today without losing any of your appendages, I would consider that a victory.

If any of my 7th graders show up to class with missing body parts, I'll know that they probably had to wait too long for the bus this morning. Thanks for the heads up!

LanaMadonna said...

i love that you were more worried about your eyelashes than your eyeballs.

and though i don't LOVE winter, i do like it much more than pea soup or mayonnaise...

sarahabt said...

oh man, I am laughing out loud! Bill keeps asking, "What are you laughing at Sarah?"
I agree with LanaMadonna, you worried about your eyelashes and not your contacts freezing to your eyeballs! That was A HYSTERICAL blog...

Anonymous said...

That was a totally incredible great read! I loved it! You were totally zoned into the experience! Or had me zoned in!
I am so happy I live in warm weather but got the experience to read what living in REALLY REALLY cold weather is like!
Well at least a glimpse of it anyway!
Not that I enjoy another's misery either!


another anonymous aunt

p.s. hate to say - but a couple of weeks ago on a ski trip - I was so damn excited when I could SEE my breath! Not that I needed validation that it was there - but I kept saying "look look you can see your breath!" I was trying to make those smoke rings smokers used to make to be cool.
Didn't work.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if they make some sort of antifreeze based mascara?
Actually I would think if you forced your eyes to stay open and not blink you would cause MORE tearing and thus increase the risk of your lashes freezing together.


Anonymous said...

Actually I just read you could put a little vaseline on your eyelashes and eyebrows to prevent water droplets from collecting so you won't have a freeze problem.
Although what about waterproof mascara? Wouldn't that work?

Just wondering...