Take Two and Call Me in the Morning

I went to pick up a prescription tonight. Usually when I go - which is not often - the line is long, I’m in a hurry, and I’m angry I have to be there in the first place. As I’ve mentioned, I’m old school when it comes to curing what ails me: ice it, heat it, take a Tylenol. I just don’t hit up the pharmacy too much. So, when I do have to hustle my bustle over there, I’m already annoyed at my body’s vulnerability and just want to get in and get out at any cost. Tonight for some reason, though, I wasn’t so biatchy. So, you can imagine my surprise when I actually PAID ATTENTION to what I was paying for my prescription. Apparently, the sticker price is $123.00. I saw that on the package and my internal Outside Voice started screaming bloody murder “Have I paid that much before and not even REALIZED it!?” But the pharmacist shut me up post haste. “That’ll be $15.63” And that included a diet Coke. I strolled back to my car, in a pleased little daze. I’m not going to sit here and get into a health care debate. No way. But I will say this: whatever kept me from having to pay over a hundred stupid dollars for a stupid prescription is fine by me.

You know what’s scary? ALLLLLLL the things that can go wrong in a body. I’m a closet hypochondriac. Well, “closet” in the way that a lot of people know about it, but they don’t know just how serious it can get. I can keep myself up all night wondering if I’m slowly going blind, or maybe I’ll spontaneously go blind. The possibilities can be endless. Then again, I picked a blister on my hand today, and it’s already healed. Pills? I don't need no stinkin' pills. Maybe I’m magic.

Magic or not, though, I am not immune from advertising techniques. Have you noticed that like every other commercial is advertising some drug to “ask your doctor about”? The very UNhelpful thing is that they don’t exactly explain what the drug is for. Like I said, I generally don't like to medicate that which does not need medication. But, I like fancy packaging and catchy slogans. So, I wouldn’t put it past me to go to my doctor and ask her about something that ends up being a male enhancement pill, or something to ease the effects of menopause. The point is: how can I ask my doctor about something if I have no idea if I seriously need to? That’s probably how they get you.

Think about it: Every person in every drug commercial ever made in the history of time features a non-descript, vaguely middle-aged person, who is, like, super happy. I can’t help but think, “Is that how I’m supposed to feel? ‘Cause I have no desire to take a bath outside or play beach volleyball or ride a tandem bike. Clearly, I need to start taking whatever they‘re on.” Then I find out the drug is for like male-patterned baldness.

Then they come atcha with the SIDE EFFECTS! Are you kidding, drug companies? I’ll never forget the time I saw a commercial for a drug that supposedly alleviates social anxiety. The side effects were: excessive perspiration, gas, bloating, and nausea. Yeah, nothing says Socially Confident like a gassy, smelly person who pukes on your Pradas. Isn’t there a point where the scientists are like “Um, I think this is making the situation worse,“ and then they pack up their mice and microscopes for the day?

Between all the problems and all the solutions that are apparently available, it’s a wonder anyone can walk around with any maladies, let alone operate heavy machinery. There is medication for everything like restless feet, adult acne, short eyelashes, occasional perspiration, and bad breath. It's hard to take it all so seriously, especially when apparently "everyone" needs it. Here’s what I’d like to see the scientists get on, though. Cancer. That’s a biggie. Let’s cure that. Or, on a personal note, something to make you grow a few helpful inches taller. Or maybe a pill that makes your wallet fatter and your hips skinnier. Simultaneously. I feel like that would be pretty awesome. I’d totally suffer through some intense B.O. to get me some of that.

Well, none of those things come in pill form. Yet. For now, I’m going to dry-swallow a really big pill (yeah, I’m cool like that) and hope I don’t have to suffer through any of the vague side effects promised on the bottle. But I guess even if I do, someone makes a different drug to cure them. Meh, I probably wouldn't take it anyway. Sounds like a job for Tylenol to me.