Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Story Hour! Part Four

Last week on Story Hour: Louann is still stranded on the island because she broke her own leg and is an idiot. We find out that Louann and Xavier were in cahoots to do something bad, and also Louann hates her parents but she had suspiciously - and not so subtly - planned a romantic evening for them on her father's yacht, and she gave her father's gun to Xavier, along with some of the money she owes him. Okay, moving on:

Louann had no idea how long she had been asleep on her yoga mat on the island. A day? Two days? It had to have been quite a long time, because her skin smelled like fried chicken. She had passed out in the sun, and quickly realized what a spectacular tan she’d have when this was all over. Melanoma be damned! She winced at the pain of her broken leg, but was able to finally stand up. The lake around her was silent. How no one saw her escape her parents boat on the dinghy would remain a mystery to her. Louann looked at her infected leg. It was pretty gross. Suddenly she was overwhelmed by a craving for Taco Bell. “I have to get off this island,” she thought as she tied her long, gnarly hair into a ponytail. She decided she would paddle back to the main land after dark, because she would be way too embarrassed to run in to someone she knew in her current state. Oh, yeah, and also the police were probably still looking for her.

As the sun set, Louann gingerly hopped into her boat and started paddling back across the huge lake. It would take hours to make the trip. Halfway across the lake, Louann took a break and set down the paddle. She started thumbing through the box of files she had stashed in the boat. Her bank records showing a $0.16 balance, the receipts from all the withdrawals Louann had made from her mother's "rainy day" accounts with forged signatures, and, of course, her mother's Will with the damning evidence written in black and white. She tucked all the papers back in the box and rowed harder than ever.

Louann's mother was no saint. She was, in fact, kind of skanky. Ann had cheated on Lou many times in the course of their marriage. Sometimes it was a tawdry affair with the acne-scarred boy at the grocery store, sometimes it was as cliche as a quickie in the pool shed with Ricardo. But Lou had never caught on. He was brilliant in his job, but when it came to Ann, he was an idiot. He figured he was the only one who could ever love Ann, you know, looking the way she did. Ann had to wear an eyepatch to hide her horribly disfigured right eye and had one leg that was much longer than the other (4 3/4 inches). Yet she still managed to attract men with low self-esteems and very specific turn-ons. For the entirety of their marriage, Ann had cheated on Lou at every chance she got. And one of those times was 19 years and 9 months ago. Louann's 20th birthday was next week.

When Louann felt the bottom of her boat skidding along the rocky sand of the shore, she stared into the pitch black night. No sirens. No police lights. She picked up her box and started running as fast as she could. The abandoned warehouse she had seen on her way to her parents yacht a few nights ago stood in the distance. She ducked under bushes and rusty fence posts whenever headlights peaked over the hill on the busy street separating her from her safehouse. Finally she heaved open a heavy wooden door that led to a machine-y type room in the warehouse. She set the box down and immediately collapsed to the ground. She'd sleep here during the day and then plan her next move. First though, she picked up a discarded piece of sandpaper and went to work fixing up her broken, brittle finger nails. A girl's got priorities.

Back at her parent's house, Lou and Ann had finally started to wonder where their good-for-nothing daughter was. Lou needed her help changing his ringtone on his phone from Ascending Chimes to Starlight, and Ann was sure Louann had hidden her strawberry gin somewhere and she needed it. Even on the worst weekends, Louann never stayed away from the house for more than a couple nights before coming home and getting money or clothes. It had been 4 nights since either one of them had seen Louann. Lou started to call Louann's cell phone when someone suddenly banged on their front door.

Ann opened the door and was delighted to see two strapping young police officers who tipped their cute little hats in her direction. "Oh my, can I help you officers?" She batted her one good eyelash and stood up straight on her one tall leg. "Mrs. Reynolds?" the first officer asked. She batted her eyelash affirmatively. "We're actually, uh, looking for your daughter, Louann. We think she's involved in a very dangerous situation."

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