Monday, February 21, 2011

Crazy is the New Black (I Hope)

Okay, fine. I’m crazy. I get it now. My head, whirring around with constant thoughts of celebrities and shoes and schedules and lists, has taken over and it’s turning me into madwoman. Randomly, in the past month or so, I’ve just been kind of a mess of racing thoughts. I can convince myself to be paranoid about car rides or brain tumors or diabetes. I’ve literally talked myself into having everything from headaches to acne. So, natch, I decided that I’ve snapped.

Last month, I finally bucked up and visited a doctor and explained that “Doc, I've lost it, I think. I am driving myself crazy,” and then I just cried for no reason - Ugh, what a girl. She listened, was very nice, and explained that I am probably suffering from anxiety attacks. I helpfully suggested that maybe they should do a full body scan and maybe do some sort of extensive neurological testing to pinpoint exactly what is going on and how I can quit . She laughed off my suggestion and said “It’s really not uncommon. It’s not.” And then, as if to add insult to injury, she suggested that maybe working out would help. I was all “What are you, Jillian Michaels?” Instead of explaining to her that I simply don’t like working out and I don’t think it will make me feel better to do something I hate, I kind of just hung my head and nodded. Accepted my punishment.

So the doc was all “It could be stress” and “It could be a seasonal thing” and “It could be the fear of your future” and, my favorite, “It’s probably nothing.” So…uh…riiiiiiight…okay. None of that is really helping, here, lady. None of that changes the fact that all of a sudden, I’m freaking out over the protests in Wisconsin because I’m assuming they are going to lead to mutiny and then how will we stop the anarchy?! Wait, what? How did I get THERE, you ask? I have no idea…my mind just wanders and then BOOM. The worst-case scenario just sort of pops up and suddenly the purse I just bought isn’t cheering me up like it did yesterday because Wisconsin is ruining everything. RUDE. You can see why I think I’ve gone insane, right?

Anyway, so back at the doctor’s office. The very nice, patient, understanding doctor suggests I take some good ol’ anti-anxiety pills for the road. I interrupt her Rx writing, in protest. I explained that I don’t WANT to take medicine. I don’t know what it does exactly, and I’m worried it may interfere with my very infrequent use of Advil and cause a blot clot or something. She says, markedly less patient now, “You are the exact opposite of patients I typically see. But I’m giving you the lowest dose humanly possible. It’s not going to do anything except calm you down and interrupt your racing thoughts.” And, she assured me, it won’t turn me into a zombie, when I explain that my sister takes anti-anxiety medicine to fly, and then she just falls asleep for hours and that’s why she can’t fly alone.

Does this happen to any of you? Do you guys ever get into these modes where you just can't, like, LOGIC your way out of it? Good lord, I hope so because otherwise I'm a medical anomaly which greatly adds to my anxiety. I would love to hear your stories/reactions/suggestions if you've ever cartwheeled down the steep anxiety slope. You know what they say: insanity misery loves company!


JessiferSeabs said...

I come from a long line of worriers, so yes, I do this sometimes. Mike will be 10 minutes late getting home and I've talked myself into the idea that he's dead on the side of the road. I've only ever had two full blown anxiety / panic attack, and it was for good reasons -- the first was when I tried to drive for the first time following my ginormous roll-over car wreck; the second during the disintegration of my very dysfunctional past relationship. Uncontrollably crying, hyperventilation, shakes, headache, sweating, etc. AWFUL.

For run of the mill anxiety, I hate to tell you, but exercise DOES help - if for no other reason than it makes you too tired to freak out. ;-)

Pharon said...

Jess - Holy smokes. I didn't know about your car wreck! Talk about ANXIETY! Wow. I think I'm just going to buck up and work some exercise in to my life. Jess, how do YOU fit it all in? The work, the social life, blogging? Are you a morning person or something??

JessiferSeabs said...

Oh yes. Total morning person. I am up with the birds. My boyfriend hates me -- says he hasn't gotten a decent night's sleep since we met. ;-)

How do I fit it all in? Here's the secret: I DON'T. I fit most of it in, most of the time... and that's just the best I can do. I've had to learn to be a little nicer to myself this year. :-)

Pharon said...

Oh boy...a morning person, eh? I'm NOT a morning person. In fact, I'm cranky and tired until about 11 a.m. Arguably, people would probably say I'm cranky until 11 P.M., but those people suck. :)

I like that, though: Be nicer to yourself. I'm turning that into my new mantra. Thanks, Jess!!

cindi said...

You are not are CREATIVE !!!!
1. Creative individuals have great physical energy, but they become extremely quiet when they are at rest. This restful period can lead others to think that they are not feeling well or that they are unhappy, when the truth is they are fine.
2. Creative folks tend to be both highly intelligent and naive at the same time.

3. Creative people are disciplined and playful simultaneously. In some creative people, this can mean that they are responsible and irresponsible at the same time as well.
4. Creative minds move between a spectrum of fantasy and imagination and a firm grounding in reality. They understand the present and need to keep in touch with the past.
5. Creative individuals seem to be both introverted and extroverted, expressing both traits at once. An image to explain this might be that they are shy showoffs, if you can picture that.

6. Creative people are sincerely humble and extremely proud in a childlike way. It requires ego to have a risky, fresh idea. It takes self-doubt to hammer it out to a workable form.

7. Creative folks don’t feel as tied to gender roles. They feel distinctly individual. They don’t feel the barriers of authority or the rules of what they are “supposed to do.”

8. Creative individuals are thought to be rebellious. Yet, in order to be creative one has to understand and have internalized the traditional culture. Therefore creativity comes from deep roots in tradition. Creative people are traditional and cutting edge.

9. Creative people are deeply passionate about their work, yet can be extremely detached and objective when discussing it.

10. Creative people are highly open and sensitive, which exposes them to pain and suffering, but also allows them to feel higher values of joy and happiness.

Anonymous said...

Actually the doctor is right! You need to get that Dopamine release that comes with exercise - it's a natural HIGH - so you wouldn't need any drugs.
And yes it is obvious you are a VERY creative person!
The best part about this blog is you keep it REAL (other than the girl in the rowboat that had to pee story!) and very entertaining! And I am sure it is comforting to those who have many of the same feelings and thoughts!
If anyone in this world is not experiencing some form of anxiety - they must be in a coma!

Pharon said...

Cindi, I totally love all those! They actually make total sense to me. Where did you find those?

Pharon said...

Anonymous - I'm highly relieved I'm not the only one who's a little on edge these days! Maybe now I'm part of the popular group? I LIKE that! :)

And that whole Dopamine thing sounds downright good. Hmm...turns out the advice from "anonymous" readers can make much more of an impact on me than a doctor's. Do you make house calls??