Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Dear Crabby

I've gotten a lot of really awesome questions lately. I've reworked them and offered my two cents, whether they like it or not. Have a question? I've def got the answers!

Dear Pharon Square,

I have a coworker who has this habit of petting my hair. She'll come up to my desk, or while I'm talking to someone else and just pet my hair. I spend a lot of time washing and drying my hair every day, so there's no need for her to man-handle my dome. I feel like a monkey getting the once-over from a beau monkey. Any tips to get this girl off my proverbial back?

Picked On

Dear Picked On,

Gross. That's gnarly. Based on my conversations with a few friends, though, it sounds like it's a pretty common problem. My question is: Who raised these people who think it's all good to get all up people's business? Guh! Anyway, you're correct to feel uncomfortable. This person is not right. I think, though, it's not necessarily worth a big ol' discussion with the offender. You don't need to have a whole sit-down and discuss your boundaries with her, because it's not like she's your pal. No. Instead, maybe just karate chop her hand the next time she gets anywhere near your head. When she coils back like a snake, apologize, and say "Sorry, I've been really involved in Mixed Martial Arts lately, and sometimes, my muscles just have minds of their own." Then shrug your shoulders and walk away. Smiling. She'll never touch your head again.

Dear Pharon Square,

So, I'm a teen mom. I've been struggling with my baby's father to keep up with his child support, because he's all "I spent it all on a tattoo of a can of PBR on my bicep." How can I work things out with him so that we can provide a loving, safe environment for our child?"

Teen Mom

Dear Teen Mom,

Step One: Purchase Time Machine. Step Two: Develop some common sense. Step Three: Avoid this entire situation. No access to a time machine? Okay, Plan B. Contact MTV immediately. They thrive on teen drama.

Dear Pharon Square,

My boyfriend is driving me nutso! He plays video games all the time, and never wants to do things I want to do, like go to museums or have long walks on the beach. How can I tell him that spending time alone with me is just as fun as shooting fake people on a video game???????

Girlfriend Who Wants More Cuddling Time


First of all, let me start by saying that video games are built into a guys DNA. Don't fight it. Embrace it. Maybe learn how to play the game, and then his fun hobby turns into YOUR fun hobby. Admittedly, playing a shooter game is not very fun unless you have hours of time on your hands with which to waste learning how to move two doo-hickeys at the same time just to move your video guy forward. But trying to learn says a lot. It says "This little habit of yours isn't the saddest thing ever". Plus? Talking on the headset thingamabob is really fun. No other guy who is playing the game is ever expecting to hear a girl's voice, so you can have lots of fun messing with them. That being said, if the alternative to playing video games is a museum? Thanks, but no thanks. Think of something more fun.

Dear Pharon Square,

No matter how much I scrub my dishes and pots and pans, they're always dull and gross. I feel like they're never quite clean. They get spots and little marks all over. Is there a product you recommend to get rid of the spots? Or should I be using a different technique? What can I do?

Love always,

Dear OCD,

Throw all your dishes away. Start fresh.

Do you guys have a question for Pharon Square? Go ahead and send your problemos to I've got an opinion on everything, so chances are, I will either hate or love your question. Care to take a chance?

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