Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Do These Shoes Go With this Lasso of Truth?

Heeeere I come to save the daaaaaay!! Here's a little math riddle for you: If a furnace stops working on one of the coldest days of the year, and if 4 out of 4 roommates notice that the house is freakishly cold in the morning, how many of them will do anything to resolve the problem? The answer, mathletes, is One. Me. I'm the hero today. Okay, yeah, 4 out of 4 of us were out of the house at work all day and couldn't really take swift action, but still. I left the house this morning and it was 55 degrees. I came home and it was 52 degrees. For those of you keeping track, that's approximately 40 degrees too cold to function inside a house. So, my heroic fingers dialed up our brave maintenance man, and 2 short hours later, we are sittin' pretty at 53 degrees. With great power comes great responsibility, I guess.

I don't care how little recognition I'll get for this. Sure, it'd be nice to hear "Thanks for springing into action and saving our freezing, chilled bones, Pharon! What can we EVER do to repay you?!" But this will be a self-congratulatory win, I'm sure. Whatevs. You can't argue with...54 degrees!

I feel good. I feel like I've really done something to help out my fellow human. The last time I felt like this, I was helping up an older man who slipped on the ice outside of my work building. I'm expecting my Purple Heart any day now.

Now, I don't want to say I "fight crime" or anything, but yesterday a strange man got of the bus at my bus stop and I watched him walk for 3 blocks before I decided he posed no threat to me the children in my neighborhood. And when my crazy neighbor would get into juicy, screaming matches with her equally insane boyfriend, you better believe I was carefully monitoring the situation from my balcony with a bag of popcorn to ensure it did not escalate. Justice never sleeps.

You know, people throw around the term "hero" a lot. And okay, no, I haven't saved any lives, or rescued any kittens from a tree or anything, but, like, I've saved sooooo many people from embarrassment. Toilet paper stuck to your shoe? I'll sneak up behind you and tug it away with my own shoe without saying a word. Have a giant zit on your face? I will NOT look at it. I won't. And I won't be OBVIOUS about not looking, either. When I used to play Halo on XBox with the guys every once in awhile, I'd make my guy just go and hide so I wouldn't get killed 100 times to save my team the humiliation of having one of their own ruin the whole game. I'm a giver, people. And if that makes me a "hero"? Fine, I guess. I'll take it.

So saving my entire household from frozen pipes and uber-dry skin by making a phone call is but the latest in a long line of heroic activities I can't help but perform. It's like I was born to watch out for my fellow man. But I'm not going to lie. I wouldn't turn away another superhero should one come along. I could use some help every once in awhile. I can only laugh at so many bad jokes by myself. And it would be nice if I weren't the only person in the world who tries to help other drivers improve their technique by yelling helpful tips out of my window (and sometimes illustrating with equally helpful hand gestures). Anyone available to help my friends drink wine during the week? 'Cause that's a burden I've carried alone for too long.

The point is: it's 57 degrees now in my house and it's all because of me. Little does everyone know, though, that I've also bumped our "ideal" temperature from 67 to 72 degrees. Hey, I've gotta be warm if/when I must spring into heroic action.

2 comments:

LanaMadonna said...

you remain my best excuse to drink more wine--why give it up, hero? see you at 6:30 for your weekly act of good will...

cindi said...

hysterical................