ZOMG. Okay, so a couple days ago, I asked my super-preggo sister Prinna if I could come over to her house and help her with any final projects before she adds a whole other person to her brood. She’s all “Definitely! Come over on Thursday!” I was all “Super! See you then!”
It is Thursday. And now I’m scared. I’m scared because I’m pretty sure Prinna is going to have her baby WHILE I’m at her house cleaning her refrigerator or something. Here’s how I imagine it’ll go down:
Prinna: Gack! My water just broke!
Pharon: Nasty! [runs maniacally around the house screaming for the Purell]
Prinna: Calm down, Crazy.
Pharon: Boil some water! Get some clean sheets! Someone call the police! Where are your scissors?
Pharon: ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod [continues circling room at increasingly high speeds]
Prinna: Riiiiiiight. Yeah, I’m just going to drive mySELF to the hospital, thankyouverymuch.
Needless to say, I’m not exactly “cool under pressure”. Nope. I’m more like a bottle rocket. Set me off, and just watch my tear around a room screaming until I tire myself out. I mean, I’m FINE with the whole prep stage. You know, the organizing, ironing, cleaning, dusting, folding, prepping the wine rack for my sister’s grand return to it, etc. But the second she starts “heee heeee hoooooo”ing, I’m outta there.
She started having contractions as my mom and I were kind of mulling around, getting ready to leave. We stayed around for the next 9 minutes until her second one. She said "This could go on for days, and they're not even that painful yet." So I took that as my cue to hit the road. I did take my opportunity to feel Prinna's ginormous stomach during one of the contractions. It felt like her belly was full of cement. I said "I just don't see how it could hurt that bad." My mom and Prinna laughed their heads off. I said, "What, so it's like bad cramps or something?" And Prinna said "Yeah, it's cramps, but they make you feel like you're going insane. At one point when I was in labor with Annabelle, the epidural guy came in, grabbed my face, and got like 1 inch from my face. He kind of yelled at me 'I'm going to help you. My name is Doctor Something-Or-Other. I have your epidural.' You can't even process anything around you. THAT'S how bad it hurts." I decided it's probably about as bad as any hangover I've ever had. Nah, it can't be THAT bad.
Anyway, so far we are still in the pre-labor stage ("we"? Really? I have no part in this other than to show up and spoil that baby rotten as soon as I see him). Prinna and I both decided that she is GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY TONIGHT. I'm way more freaked out than she is. Prinna was googling "kids football ceiling fans" while she was timing her contractions. I just sat there holding my breath and wondering what I would do if a placenta fell on the floor. My conclusion? Puke and then start crying. But Prinna and my mom were both cool as cucumbers, so I took their lead and decided to start breathing in and out again. I got in my car to come home, and started re-planning my weekend around the inevitable arrival of a new baby.
Hopefully I'll have some crazy cute pics to show on Sunday night! And, for your sake, I hope they're of an adorable baby and not me with a green balloon leprechaun hat on. Maybe both? Let's hope so! Have a great weekend, everyone!