Tuesday, January 15, 2013

For the love of neighbors

So I was fast asleep last night, dreaming of clouds and marshmallows and rainbows when I awoke with a start. Something in my bones told me that all was not right in the world of the land of Pharon. I was in the middle of the world's most terrifying nightmare consisting of people stuck in ice screaming for help. I was basically nakie running out trying to save everyone, and just trying to get everyone away from the  invisible monster that was allegedly chasing us. But we couldn't escape the yelling.

And despite my best efforts, the screaming continued.

I rattled myself awake long enough to hear the blood-curdling screams coming from the apartment next door. I thought I had heard it in my dream, but no, it was real. I desperately reached for my phone to call 911 until I heard a less "I'm-being-stabbed" sound...


OMG. These weren't the sounds of a person being murdered. It was the sound of people trying to make a baby right across the hall from me. GROSS! They were the sounds of an insane person at 1:52 a.m., who refused to respect the rules of the quiet hours established in the building.

Seriously. This girl was stupid and loud and way over-the-top. In my head, I wrote following note that I would have TOTALLY posted to their door if had a printer on which to print it. (I didn't want to leave a handwritten note, because she could definitely hire a handwriting analysis person and trace it back to me, which is not desirable.)

Dear neighbor,
Congratulations on the spicy love life you share with whatever person showed up to your apartment tonight! (Bonus points if it's the guy I've seen you with once or twice!) While I totally admire your zest for love, might I suggest a few things?
1) I feel like you're being overdramatic. You've been screaming at the top of your lungs for one hour straight and waking up your neighbors. Call me old-fashioned, but it makes you sound like a desperate banshee...and, you know, like you're trying too hard. Hint: The entire building isn't impressed with your yelling so much as we are with your ability to stay up until 2 a.m. on a Monday night.
2) I'm worried about your gentleman caller's hearing. If I'm buried under my pillow and can still hear you yelping and screaming two walls and a stairwell away, I can't even imagine what your date must be dealing with. Have some respect, woman.
3) Did I mention that it's 1:41 a.m. on a Monday night? You have given me dirty looks for coming in later that 9 p.m. on Sunday nights. I no longer think you have any sense of right or wrong.
4) OMG. Seriously?! You made me want to call the police.
5) You're the worst neighbor I've ever had

Half of me hopes I never see them again - because GROSS! - while the other half hopes that I get the opportunity to yell at them. At 1:41 a.m.

1 comment:

SARAH ABT said...

oh my god!! That is hysterical! You must hang that note on her door! Wait...send me her address and I will mail it...I can say I heard her screaming all the way from RHODE iSLAND!!!