Crap on an App

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, shivering my tootsies off. My room was a blistering 62 degrees and I woke up with a nose so cold that I was afraid it would snap off. Anyhoodle, I woke up angry, cold and a little delirious. I have this bad/hilarious habit of waking up mid-REM cycle, convinced I have come up with several GENIUS blog topics. I jot them down on my Notes app on my phone and then go back to sleep to try and get back to being on stage with Guns n' Roses at my house, which isn't REALLY my house but kind of more like my college dorm, while Ryan Gosling ties my shoes and tells me how happy he is that I don't have cankles.

The next day, I wake up with only a fuzzy memory of what I put in my app and assume it was genius. Then, on nights like tonight, I click back into the app for some great ideas and inspiration.

I'm never NOT disappointed. I'm an idiot at 4 a.m. I am not creative, funny or interesting in the middle of the night. And yet, I still convince myself that I have come up with some absolute blogging GOLD.

So tonight, I go to my list because today was uneventful, but I felt like blogging and needed some blogging gold. Instead, I found a list of sleepy topics that, on their own, are straight garbage. But as a group, they "work."

Here we go. Here is the list of "great blog ideas" I had, written exactly as they appear in my phone:

* Am I old now that I put hand lotion on before bed? Like on TV shows, aren't  moms and grandmas like always putting lotion on while yelling at their husbands about their kids or whatever?

* Pretty sure Subway sandwiches are not actually 6 inches long. [Editor's note: I wrote this BEFORE some dude in Chicago filed a lawsuit against Subway for screwing customers out of that crucial 12th inch on their footlong subs. Read that full story HERE.]

* GENIUS IDEA: Magazine for after weddings? Too depressed!

* Could I still play a song on the flute? Can you forget how to play music? Like, what the notes look like?

* I feel like turtles' bodies would feel disgusting without a shell

* Food. Patina. DSW. Urban? [Editor's note: Turns out, this was just a list of places I wanted to shop the next day, I think.]

* Try to give up using a fork or a knife for a week.

* How does one sock ALWAYS come off in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping? Beds=Dryers???

* I should start saying "Second that emotion" more often, other funny phrases from songs as words

* Pants made out of blanket? Pankets! (MAKE THESE)

What?! These are so amazingly bad that I question the quality of topics I actually DO write about. I'll admit, I've pulled a few posts from this Notes app list in the past, so I shudder to think what people think about them in the light of day. Oh well, I can't be amazing all the time.

Oh, also? I'm pretty sure that Pankets idea is genius.