Monday, August 15, 2011

Neighborhood Watch

Okay, so you remember a looooooooooooong time ago when I wrote an open letter to my neighbors? Well, go refresh your memory if you don't. At any rate, being that I've been in the new digs for almost 2 weeks, I feel completely qualified and prepared to address my NEW batch of neighbors.

To the people who walk around the neighborhood All. The. Time. Where are you going, exactly? You're just walking around with no real destination? It's a foreign concept to me, since I used to live a mere 7 houses away from a big ol' lake with a walking trail around it. I was used to people walking TO the lake, then AROUND it, and then back home. Without a lake anywhere near me, I'm confused by the concept of just walking around your own neighborhood. Wouldn't that be boring? Plus, it's almost spying on your neighbors, I would argue. You're all strolling around, watching as people cook out in their backyards, listening to the dinner conversations of people unaware that you are meandering just outside their bushes. It's rude, right? I mean, I can see walking around the 'hood every once in awhile, but people in these parts do it pretty much every night. Neighborhood walkers? You're creeping me out.

They are also making me feel like a crazy person. Please note that I am definitely NOT a crazy person. I mean, in most neighborhoods, I'm the least crazy person ever. But here, all the people are all "put-together" and "wear matching shoes all the time" and probably don't "eat handfuls of Bac-Os for dinner". Because my only interaction with my neighbors has been at the bus stop thus far, I will have to go ahead and generalize. Everyone around me is a 20-something lawyer, who is happily married, possibly trying for a couple rugrats, eats a balanced dinner every night, and chats about how much you are allowed to water your lawn. Then here comes The New Girl (a.k.a. Me). Sometimes I have wet hair at the bus stop. There are days when I'm listening to Lil' Wayne very loudly on my iPod. I watch Saved by the Bell in the mornings, not the news. And I am not against going to the grocery store in my pajamas. Over in the old neighborhood, I blended in quite nicely with the hipsters and the very old people. At the very least, I was invisible amongst the masses of people doing everything they can to stand out. But here, I feel like I'm the delinquent squatter intruding in Picket Fence town. I'm like the eccentric lady who sews her own wigs out of cat sweaters or something. At least that's how it feels. They all seem to have this smug sense of satisfaction with their briefcases, and their $100 haircuts, and phones that have working internet. Well, you're making me feel weird, Very Young, Successful and Responsible People, so cut that out post haste.

Finally, please - for the love of all that is good and holy - learn how to parallel park if you insist on parking your Prius in front of your house instead of in your garage. Do you REALLY need 5 feet of space between you and the car in front of you? No, dudes. You don't. And what's wrong with parking next to the curb instead of on top of it, or 26 yards away from it? The curb is your friend, guys, not something to be afraid of. Oh yeah! And when I'M speedily parallel parking, feel free to NOT almost side-swipe me because you can't be bothered to tap your brakes. It takes me all of 15 seconds to ace my parking job, so just hold your horses and wait a second. Maybe take some notes while you wait...I'm basically the best parker ever, so Bad Parkers, consider yourself lucky to be getting a free lesson.

That feels good. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Chances are, I probably have a lot more in common with my neighbors than I think, but sometimes you just can't help but judge a book by its cover. In this case, they are an Encyclopedia (for all you youngsters, an Encyclopedia is a book where information is. Like a hard copy of Google) and I am a tattered, but still totally awesome, paperback copy of Summer Sisters by Judy Blume. Both are good, but you don't really put them together on the book shelf. Regardless, we are all books and are full of good stuff. Meanwhile, this book analogy has gone on long enough. Let's just close this chapter, shall we?

The End.

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