Monday, August 22, 2011

Sack of %$#@

I don't exactly make a habit out of learning things written on bags. Okay, so when I was younger, our neighborhood grocery store had "Thank you" in all different languages printed on their bags. I mean, otherwise how would I know that "dziękuję" is Thank You in Polish? But pretty much that was the only time I looked a shopping bag and thought "Hey, maybe I could really learn something from this item specifically designed to be thrown away!" Then I got this bag:

So, Lululemon is allegedly a very overly expensive store that sells over priced fancy workout clothes. Not shockingly, I haven't found myself perusing their racks before. But somehow, I came into possession of this bag. It's quite nice, I must say. The perfect size to carry my lunch to work in. Spill-proof. It's great. Um, then I took a closer look at it, and I think I'm going to boycott Lululemon from now on. Here are some words of "wisdom" from the bag - seriously these are taken exactly from the bag:

Do one thing a day that scares you. Um, you know what scares me? Meth. And having my face eaten by a cat. Drinking moldy orange juice. Getting hit by a car. So what, are you really suggesting I give one of those things a shot today, Lululemon? I think not. I'd consider you at fault if I ever develop meth mouth, and will be sure to send you my dental bill.

Dance, Sing, Floss and Travel Okay, first of all, I think you're missing a comma there. Also, slow your roll. Floss AND Travel? Who do you think I am, Super Woman? Sheesh. My advice is that you should have stopped at "Dance, Sing, and Floss". That's cuter, more succinct. Not as pretentious-sounding. Don't you think I'd LIKE to be traveling right now, inanimate bag? If only we were all so lucky to NEED A REMINDER to take a vacation.

The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness. WHOA. That's horribly depressing. Also, haven't they ever heard the phrase "It's not the destination, it's the journey"? Lighten up, shopping bag.

Drink fresh water and as much water as you can. Water flushes unwanted toxins from your body and keeps your brain sharp. Where do I even BEGIN with this one? First of all? "Less than 1% of the world's fresh water (~0.007% of all water on earth) is accessible for direct human uses." Sure that doesn't have the same ring to it, but hey. It's the truth. Oh, and one more thing, Bag. "Water intoxication, also known as overhydration, is a potentially fatal disturbance in brain functions that results when the normal balance of electrolytes in the body is pushed outside of safe limits by over-consumption of water." Yup, I just schooled you, Bag.

Okay, this is a long one, but...Nature wants us to be mediocre because we have a greater chance to survive and reproduce. Mediocrity is as close to the bottom as it is to the top, and will give you a lousy life. OUCH! What the H, Lululemon? First of all, the first sentence tricked me into thinking "Hey, sometimes it's okay to be mediocre, because then I have a great chance to survive and reproduce." Then they say I'm going to have a lousy life? Get your crappy advice straight! And hurting my feelings via screenprinting is just cowardly. Where's your clever, quippy quote for that, Lulu? "Cowards are okay, as long as they work out and never really have any problems." Jerks.

One more long one. Communication is complicated. We are all raised in a different family with slightly different definitions of every word. An agreement is an agreement only if each party knows the conditions for satisfaction and a time is set for satisfaction to occur. Um, is this a shopping bag or Westlaw? Did I just pass the LSAT?!

I don't know why I got all worked up reading this stupid bag. All I know is that it sounds like there should be a position available as "bag writer" at Lululemon. Because anyone who writes "Jealously works the opposite way you want it to" just isn't doing jealousy correctly and doesn't deserve to write about it.

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