Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dear Crabby

Well, I had two conversations tonight - one with my mom, another with my dad - wherein I said the phrase "Yes, you're right" more times than I care to admit. I believe that my ability to actually listen to my parents, and then agree with them means that I'm a full-fledged adult. Huzzah! But, I need to get back some of the control and know-it-all isms that I'm so used to. Therefore, awaaaaay we go with Dear Crabby!!

Dear Crabby,

So a girl friend of mine is about 8 years younger than I am. Well, she's about 8 years younger than EVERYONE in our group of friends. Recently, she's been taking all these jabs at us, because we are older than her. "I don't know who Jem and Holograms are, but that sounds lame". And once she asked us how we deal with our grey hair. Needless to say, her new-found attitude is not going over well with us. What do we do?!

Thanks, Crabby!
-Bold and Old

Hey Bold and Old,

First of all, this chick sounds lame. My first suggestion is to stop hanging out with her. She wants to make jokes about grey hair? Make jokes about the fact that she can't rent a car or become president or something. Also, you should probably let her know that just because she's young, doesn't make her cool. If that were the case, babies would be the coolest people on the planet. And they're not, because they can't even talk yet! My point is, maybe it's up to you to just realize that she's dumb and you should stop inviting her places because she can't appreciate how totally awesome you are. More importantly, you can rest assured that one day, that very lame, immature girl will wake up and realize she is, in fact, lame and immature. And it will have nothing to do with her age.

Dear Crabby,

GROSS. My friend is throwing her birthday party on the same night as me. We share a bunch of friends, too. Do I reschedule my party so that everyone can go to both? I really don't want to, because I've gotten a nice VIP room at this bar by my house, and I don't want to cancel it. What do I do?!

-Party Pooper

What up, Party Pooper!?

Is there ANYTHING worse than two parties in one night? Yes. There is. Genocide, poverty, war, etc. You catch my drift? Anyhoozle, here's what you do. As long as you can guarantee your party is better than the other one, KEEP THAT VIP ROOM. Bribe people, if you have to. If you're not so sure you can tempt people away from the other party? Quietly cancel yours ("Oh, they lost our reservations! RUDE, I know!") and then plan the best party anyone has ever dreamed of for the next weekend. Next year, there will be no choice. They'll pick you every time! If you DO reschedule your party, though, don't be a giant martyr about it. Go to the other one, be the life of the party, and have a good time. You won't regret your decision either way.

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend and I are foster parents for dogs. We've had some good ones, some bad ones, and some really tragic ones. The puppy we just got today, though, takes the cake. She only has three legs! She is tiny and sweet and we love her. She has a terrible dog name right now: Billie, so we want to rename her, obvs. Any suggestions for a new name?

-Three Legs are Better Than Two


Names for a three-legged dog? Oh boy. Here we go: Tri, Tre, Trois, Pod, Company, Lucky, Legs, Menage, Pete, Poli, Trip, Crown, Athalon, Good Thing Happen In, Some. Um...that's all I can think of off the top of my head. Any of those working for you? If not, let me know and I'll come up with a FEW more. (Get it? Few? Three? HA!)

Well, I think I can safely say that I've solved all those problems. Have a question for me? Send in your questions to and I'll try my best to fix your life. Although, maybe I should have my mom or dad answer these. Turns out, they have all the answers! Mom? Dad? Whaddya think?

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